Am I being unreasonable??(16 Posts)
16 y/o DS has been with his girlfriend nearly 2 years now and she does sleep over (he admitted they had sex around 8 months ago). My only condition is that one of them stays in the spare room when she is over, a rule which they have always followed until recently. This was until a month ago... I came in to say goodnight one Saturday when she had stayed and to basically tell him to go to the spare room but I could clearly see they were both clothed & above covers on video chat to other friends, which I was reluctant to interrupt. I'd had a glass (or three!!!) of wine that night and fell asleep before I could return to tell him that he had to go next door, since then they have slept in the same bed every time she's been over. I have told him when she isn't here that I'm uncomfortable with this but he doesn't seem to understand as he's told me that they're having sex, even though I've explained I don't like the thought of them having it in my house!!! How can I get him to move without making her feel uncomfortable??
Somewhere where I am not!! He explains that it never happens when I'm in the house but I doubt this is true, I can't imagine a teenage boy holding back because family is home!!
I understand things may happen if I'm not home but I'm really not comfortable with it happening when I'm asleep only across the landing...
Presumably he has to be across the landing from you having sex. Or do you abstain when he is in the house just out of respect?
Where would you prefer they did it? In the bus shelter? The local park? The back of a friends car? At least they are safe at home. Out of sight out of mind is not the way to go.
Do you have sex when your dc is in the house? Or do you want until the dc are out? The same as you want out of respect
If you don't want your son and his girlfriend having sex at your house then you stop her staying over.
Explain to him why - its not that you don't like her, it's rather that you would prefer them to pursue their sexual activities elsewhere. Be honest with him and calm. At the end of the day its your house and you make the rules.
For the record, I wouldn't be happy either. But then I don't think 16 year olds should have exclusive relationships with anyone. I think they are too immature to be tied to one person.
OP, I am with you.
It may be irrational, but it is the way you feel
My dc have not been allowed to sleep with their bf/gf in this house even though it is happening elsewhere (not in bus shelters or the park etc ...)
"My house, my rules" seems a very unpopular principle on MN, but it is one I embrace. If my sexually active teens don't like it, they can find somewhere else to live and good luck with that. I think it is that simple.
As my dd is now out of her teens, I may relax my stance. But not for one nighters and randoms...it would have to be a committed relationship.
Urgh at the would you rather they do it in bus shelters etc comments. If they did that it just confirms, they arent ready for a sexual relationship. I would stop the staying over all together to. I think it's an adult thing spending the night and my dad allowed it and I got into a very intense relationship at 16. My own rules will be minimum 18 and only committed partners.
When my dd was 16 and thereabouts she needed a safe space to retreat to from the high drama of young love. That space was her home.
Imagine if there was abuse in the relationship ? The young person would never get away from it. I firmly believe at that age they need to keep some space and distance for themselves
I don't get why you wouldn't want them to be in a safe environment to have sex. I would say a line is crossed at noise but having a sexual relationship is a normal part of life, why should it be outside of his home
A bit lost as to why a DD wouldn't get time and space to themselves?
DD is around that age and in a relationship but has plenty of time and space to herself
Her dbf stays over but has never stayed over more than once a week + which has never been a rule.
My rule is that she is respectful as other people live in the same house and she needs to remember that
When I was 16yo I had an abusive boyfriend. My parents had no clue what he was like. Looking back it would have been a disaster had he been allowed to invade my last safe space.
Good point re the abuse. I wasnt so much in an abusive relationship but he was a very intense boy who I was with and wanted everything to move fast and I felt a lot of pressure. If my dad had of laid down the rules about no over night stays I think i'd have turned out a lot difference. I felt quite suffocated in my teens because of this relationship. At the time I thought it was cool that my dad let me do as i chose but now I wish someone would of said "no" yes I'd probably of had a strop but i wasted so many years back then.
They will find somewhere to do it and as I say, if you think they are irresponsible enough to do it i the middle of a field/alleyway like lots of other mn's assume if you don't allow it in their house, well they was never ready to take that step anyway. I count myself that i was a sensible teen and if I didn't get my house to do it in there's no way i'd have risked gross places like parks/alleys etc. I'd have been mortified at the idea!
Your safe space people may have noticed something sooner and questioned him about his behaviour.
Tbh eldest DD last bf came round and invaded our space and this lead me to question DD what was she obtaining from the relationship - you can at least get to know someone if the visit and then dealt with correctly guide some to question thier own motives much quicker
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