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Boyfriends family.(14 Posts)
My DD,18, and her boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years now. For the first 2 years his family were very nice to her and she enjoyed spending a lot of time with them. In July though her boyfriends younger brother and his girlfriend started to send my DD very nasty messages and since then her relationship with the family has been hard and has ended up leaving DD very upset on many occasions.
Recently DD found her boyfriend had cheated at a party, he says he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. After a lot of tears and arguments she decided to stay with him and try work it out. But a week later the brothers girlfriend posted a status on Facebook about girls who stay with cheating boys are pathetic losers and DD felt like it was indirectly aimed at her and she said to BF about this which led to them arguing and her telling him she wanted a break for a few weeks until she can think properly about now she feels. She didn't speak to boyfriend for about a week until this weekend and he ended up telling her his mum had read their messages and said she was just throwing a paddy because she didn't get her way about something like she always does.
My DD has been really badly hurt by a lot of her boyfriend and his familys behaviour and to hear that his mum had said that really makes my blood boil. It had also really upset my DD.
I'm just at a loss what to do. DD is obviously getting really upset by things the brothers girlfriend, the mum and sometimes even the boyfriend are doing and saying. We've had a lot of tears and I don't know how to help her.
Its not so much the boyfriend and he treats DD really well 90% of the time and I can deal with silly arguments as that's what happens in relationships. It's mostly the family's behaviour towards DD.
Unless her boyfriend is willing to step away from his family a little and stop them involving themselves in the relationship, I'm not sure you can really help. Is your daughter comfortable talking to him about it? What are their plans regarding uni/ work?
It sounds like her boyfriend is no longer as invested in the relationship as your DD. People change a lot during their teens and a 15 year old is very different to an 18 year old. The boyfriend doesn't sound very nice, he cheated on your DD, he lets his family be horrible and snidey about and to her and he argues/falls out with your DD. It sounds like the relationship has run its course.
"Going on a break" is just breaking up in stages because you're afraid to and think that this is better but it just makes it drag out and more painful.
If I am reading this right, the boyfriend repeated dd what his mum said about her. He could easily have kept his mouth shut. He must have known it would hurt dd's feelings. It's a cruel thing to do.
Agree with pp, it sounds like the relationship has run its course. All you can do is be there for her and give her a shoulder to cry on.
I agree but I can't tell her what to do, if I try stop her seeing him that's only going to cause arguments between me and DD.
She talks to him a lot about things that upset her and his family has come up a lot recently and he has spoken to him mum many times but there is only so much he can do.
DD started an apprenticeship straight out of school and is now working full time for them and boyfriend has been working in an estate agents for a year.
From what DD has told me he didn't just come out with it. They were talking about her birthday which is tomorrow and he said his mum was going to make her a cake, she makes cakes as a hobby and made boyfriend and my son a cake on their birthdays, but she read the messages DD had sent and doesn't think she will be making the cake anymore. My daughter asked what his mum had said and that's when he told her.
DD is easy upset, she is very caring and a lot of the time doesn't understand how people can be so cruel so to have people being nasty towards her is very hurtful to her and to me.
The best you can do is just be there for her in my opinion.
I could be wrong but if the mother is making your son a birthday cake I am assuming it means you have a good relationship with the boyfriends family. Have you tried talking to the family about the way they are treating your daughter? Or is that just not an option?
To me it seems very odd that the mother would be reading her sons messages. Did he show them too her?
It's also my daughters birthday tomorrow haha
I'm confused as to why/how bf's mum read their messages too. He ought to be furious about that.
Does your DD have a good social life beyond her bf and his family? I'd be supporting/encouraging her to do lots of things with other people. Join groups, clubs meet new people to broaden her horizons and let her see she doesn't 'need' her bf to make her happy.
Is the boyfriend 18 too? Might seem like something silly to be caught on but I just find it very strange that the mum would read the messages, especially if she hasn't been the nicest to your daughter recently. Was she purposely looking for something so she could talk down about your daughter perhaps.
My daughter had a very similar relationship where one day the parents just turned on her. I let her make her own decisions until it got to the point where they were actively looking for things to use to upset my daughter. They were checking her and her boyfriends phones when they were left unattended, going through her bag and even went to the extent of making a fake Facebook account to check for things on her Facebook that she may be hiding.
I agree with PP, encourage her to do more activities outside of boyfriend then maybe she'll see that holding onto a broken relationship is not worth while.
From what I understand, boyfriend got nose bleed whilst driving home from ours, he put his phone down and called his mum in to help him clean up the mess from his nose. He had forgot to lock his phone and his mum being nosy had a look at what was open. This isn't the first time this has happened though. In June my ex husband and his partner took my youngest son, daughter and he boyfriend on holiday for a week to Tunisia. One evening after dinner boyfriend was not feeling well so went back to the room on his own, he was talking to DD through Facebook until she went back to their room not even an hour later. The next day his mum came over to speak to me about her being unhappy about her son going back to their room on his own and then DD walking alone a bit later. She was just worried and I explained to her that they are both 18 and soon will be holidaying on their own so she shouldn't worry too much. I then asked her how she knew, I thought maybe boyfriend wasn't happy being alone and was speaking to him mum to comfort him a bit. She told me he had left his IPad at home and she saw the screen lighting up so had a look. Obviously privacy isn't a big thing in their family.
I'm sorry that your DD went through a similar thing. It isn't very nice and it just amazes me how adults can act like such children. My DD has always been encouraged to have password on her phone and luckily with the newer iPhones they have finger prints to unlock and I know no one is going to be able to access her phone if it's locked by her fingerprint. I would not be happy about anyone trying to look through her though, whether or not she had a passcode.
She works a 40 minute drive away and doesn't fininsh work until 7 most evenings so by the time she drives home she doesn't have a lot of one for hobbies and is rather tired at weekends. She spends a lot of time out with friends and has a lot planned over the next 3 weeks for her birthday celebrations.
She has a lovely group of friends but the problem is her 2 closest friends, she met the girl at the same time as her boyfriend and although has become friends with the boy in school didn't get close with him until college, all 4 were on the same GCSE maths course, so people see them sort of as a "foursome" and I think she is worried about her 2 other friends picking sides if she was to break of the relationship. I know both the friends really well as they have sleep overs a lot and spend most weekends at our house and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't feel the need to pick a side and I'm sure that the boyfriend wouldn't ask them too either as he does think the world of her.
IMO there is nothing in your posts that say that her relationship with her boyfriend isn't still good. Has she told you she wants to break up with him?
Maybe privacy isn't a big thing within their family but that doesn't make it okay to look through messages with someone else. I would make that clear to the boyfriend and his family, unless boyfriend shows mum the messages she should never be reading through them. It's very unfair on your daughter as she may be talking to her boyfriend about something very personal. For the mother to then make judgments about your daughter based upon private messages isnt fair at all either and should be stopped.
It's not very nice to dismiss someone's hurt and that must've just added to your daughters hurt.
Just out of curiosity, 3 weeks of birthday celebrations, what are they getting up to?
I'm not sure how there relationship actually is as she don't talk to me much about it unless something has upset her.
I did text his mum when I got told and just said that DD was really upset by what had been said. I got a reply almost immediately saying she is sorry, she was stressed out and pissed off with the boyfriends brother and his girlfriend and didn't separate the situations in that moment. She is going to apologise and explain when DD next goes over. As for making the cake, she had every intention to still do that but she's been really poorly and that's the reason she isn't able to do that anymore.
Birthday celebrations, Yesterday was her birthday so we went out for meal as a family, at the weekend she's going out for a meal and a few drinks with friends then during half term she is going to Thorpe park one day and a roller disco one evening with the same friends and then some time over the next 2 weeks she is going to Bournemouth with 2 of her friends as she loves Bournemouth.
I guess she needs to make a hard decision. She will have contact with this family for the rest of her life if she is going to stay with him. I would probably be encouraging her to leave him.
If she is experiencing all of this crap now - him cheating on her, his family saying unkind things about her, him not sticking up for her - then I can't imagine that this relationship is going to last.
Can you imagine another ten, twenty years of it? Can you imagine them organising a wedding and raising children? Because his family aren't suddenly going to decide that they like her, and he's already shown himself to be a cheat.
After three years, and being her first serious relationship, she can't imagine life without him and is clinging on. You can't tell her to end it op, but you can gently encourage that, and help her to see that - whilst you'll support whatever decision she makes - she is very young and will be absolutely fine on her own.
so to sum up:
she feels tied to her boyfriend through mutual friends and would find it difficult to break up with him for that reason
his mum snoops on her and punishes her for private conversations
he is supposedly sympathetic, but in actual fact tells her things like "his mum was going to make her a cake ... but she read the messages DD had sent and doesn't think she will be making the cake anymore" (when any talking on that subject should have been done with his mother)
the rest of the family are also unpleasant towards her
he only treats her well 90% of the time
Of course you can't tell her what to do, but if there is any way you can encourage her to reflect that all these things can only get worse and worse- and that there are so many nice jobs and lovely blokes with lovely families out there.