Having issues with 19 year old daughter

[Mumof2lovelys]

My daughter is going to turn 19 in 2 weeks and I don't know what to do with her. She is just finishing her last year of college and last week had her days cut down to 2 days a week, all dayThursday and 9-12 on Friday as she no longer needed to be in all week.

She has a part time job as that is all she could get due to her college hours but mow she has had them cut down and will be leaving soon I need her to get out and find a full time job which I'm not sure she is even trying to do. She is refusing to pay me rent at the moment as she is having to pay for her driving lessons and doesn't earn enough to be paying for those and paying me rent and she would be left with no money at the end. I've tried explaining to her that that's what happens in the real world but she just won't listen and tells me I'm being selfish.

Before I left for work today I asked her to tidy and Hoover her room and do the wiping up after her brother had washed up on top of her usual chores.
When I returned from work she was in her pyjamas, the dishwasher was still full and dirty plates were piling up and she had not hoovered. On top of that some washing she had put out to dry on Monday before it rained was still outside, 3 days later.

She had told me she hadn't hoovered as her cat was asleep on her bed and she didn't want to scare her. Pathetic excuse. She said the dishwasher had only finished the wash which just raises the question why was it only just finished at 6 when it was full and needed putting on when I left for work 9 hours earlier. She then told me she couldn't get the washing in as it was wet from the rain still so I went and got my stuff of the washing line to put in into the washing machine again and then into the tumble dryer.

She then threw as massive tantrum as I had left her washing out there instead of getting it in with mine, I told her her washing is her responsibility. She then goes on to say I'm picking on her all the time as I'm always nagging her when she does so much to help around the house whilst working and I'm college while her brother sits at home doing nothing and refusing to attend college.

I've tried to explain to her again that she is an adult while her brother is only 17 so she need to start acting like one. She is doing my head in at the moment as she doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility, at her age I had my own home and full time career. She just has excuses for everything and everytime I call her out she just acts as though I'm picking on her. I just need some advice on what to do with her.

[MrsMushrooms]

Sounds like a bit of a personality clash tbh. Lazy teenager stuff (not doing the chores asked of her) but I think you're also being a little unreasonable on some stuff. An 18 year old just finishing college with only a part time job spending all her money on driving lessons sounds like a good thing to me. I can understand starting to look at charging rent now, but would you rather have rent from her than let her get her licence which will help with work? Also, only bringing in half the washing is a bit petty and I can see why she feels that was a dig at her. Doesn't sound like she's out of control, just a normal 18 year old.

[MrsMushrooms]

Also, if I were 18, working, and in college and being asked to pay rent but my 17 year old brother wasn't being treated the same I'd feel picked on too.

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Personally, I would start treating her like a child seeing as though she is acting like one
Or get really dramatic and ask her what would she do if you were suddenly taken ill and couldn't work to provide the roof over her head that she has now?
Might sound harsh, but teenagers acting like your DD is at the moment really make my blood boil. When I was 19, was in the army, was preparing to go to Afghanistan for the second time, was married to DH, and in the process of buying our house. I think you have done the right thing by leaving her laundry unwashed - she's more than capable of doing it herself. If she doesn't clean her room, then it doesn't get cleaned. If she doesn't do her laundry, then it doesn't get done. If she doesn't cook her own food, then she doesn't eat etc.....a few weeks of that, and I'm willing to be she will either change her ways and start to comply with the things you ask her o do, or she will relish in the independence and actually start to enjoy taking responsibility for her own life.

[BertrandRussell]

So her brother is home all day and isn't expected to do anything?

[crazymammy]

Sounds like your teenager is going through the normal teenager stage. Buckle up and ride it out. She won't always be argumentative and pouring oil on the fire now could be detrimental to your relationship once she matures. Tbh a lot of teenagers behave a lot worse than your daughter. At least she goes to college, has a part time job and pays for driving lessons. I know of loads of mothers whose teenagers don't go to college/work and still expect their parents to foot the bill for their lifestyle.
I know it's frustrating but it won't last forever

[MyNewBearTotoro]

Nothing you're asking her to do is unreasonable BUT if she's expected to do all this whilst her brother, who is just one year younger, is fine to sit about all day and do nothing then I can totally see why she isn't happy. You are being unreasonable not to have equal expectations - there really isn't that much difference between a 17 and an 18 year old (even if the law decrees that there is).

[wannabestressfree]

They both need to be doing more..your a slave in your own house. Family meeting and labour divided including washing and cooking.

[Mumof2lovelys]

Both my children have to cook there own dinners unless I have something planned and do there own washing. I wasn't being petty by only bringing my washing in, at least that isn't what was intended. She was happy enough to leave out on the washing line in the rain for 3 days so she could deal with it.

My son is still unsure about what he wants to do unlike my daughter who knows. He is not enjoying college and is leaning towards joining the army. He knows he is on a time limit then he will be living with his dad. He has his chores too but most the time he will go out with his friends before I return from work and won't get back until after my daughter has gone up to her room so she never witnesses me having words with him but I certainly too. Where as she spends a lot more time at home so she is always there for me to talk to when needed.

I am more lenient on my son because he is younger and I'll admit that. But my daughter is 19 on the 17th and doesn't seem to realise she is now an adult and has responsibilities. She has hoovered her room now luckily as I told her if her room wasn't finished her boyfriend wouldn't be staying over for a week. This pissed her off as she tends to keep her room tidy and this is the first time in weeks I've had to actually ask her to sort it but I wasn't going to let her keep her privileges if she wasn't going to listen to my house rules.

To me driving is a luxury not a necessity, whereas her having a place to live is. so if the money is a problem she can stop her lessons until she affords it.

Although my partner had a very strained relationship with my daughter he always seems to back her up so I guess this is just another battle lost for me.

I know it will pass but I expected it to have passed a while back, she is after all now an adult. Never mind, guess I will just ride it out. Thanks.

[titchy]

Well i don't think you should charge her rent yet. She's a student and presumably you still get CB for her. Once she's finished her exams and the CB has finished then ask for a small amount if she can afford it. But not yet.

And driving is a good useful skills to have, even if not essential so you should support her doing this.

You don't sound terribly supportive at all to be honest.

[mrssmith79]

What do you mean by your son being on a time limit?

[wannabestressfree]

You are entitled to tax credits and cb for your daughter. It's your son not pulling his weight as he is neet.

[Mumof2lovelys]

Now I have read through what I post again I do feel like it all seems a bit like I'm over reacting. Prehaps I am? And that I am favouring my son.
I have just gone so many stages with my daughter that I find her harder to deal with.

I also feel like her ignoring what I ask of her is a real kick in the teeth as this weekend we went to town and I brought her a whole load of new clothes as she had lost a lot of weight and her clothes were no longer looking good on her as they were all to big. To some that might seem like it was something I had to do as her mother but to me that was me treating her to something nice.

I also struggle with ways to motivate her to do these things. My son gets pocket money so when he doesn't do what is ask he doesn't get his money. My daughter doesn't and she doesn't ask for a lot, even for her birthday she said she would be happy with whatever she was given, so I don't know what I can do as an incentive as she doesn't ask for anything from and she pays for her own phone and her and her boyfriend(as he stays over a lot) pay half each for the sky and Xbox in her room so taking tv, phones, etc from her I don't feel is appropriate. Even if I had payed for them for her she needs her phone for work so I couldn't take it anyway and I don't feel it appropriate to be confiscating things from an 18 year old anyway.

[Mumof2lovelys]

I have given my son a time within he needs to go back to college or find a job in. After that he has to live with his dad. I may not seem supportive but that is only because at 19 years old o don't feel like I should still be supporting her to the extent I am.

[imwithspud]

YABU - a bit.

YANBU in regards to the household chores. But if her brother appears to be getting away skipping college, lazing around at home then disappearing with friends for the rest of the time (and you admit that you are softer on him because he is younger although not by much) then it's easy to see how she feels hard done by.

Look at the positives. She's going to college, she has a part time job, she has an idea of what she wants to do with her life, she's learning to drive.

Also disagree with you about the driving. Whilst many people do manage without being able to drive, it's a valuable skill, gives independence and it can open many doors in terms of work opportunities. Personally I'd be thrilled if my dd at that age was learning to drive off her own back, I had to be pushed into it by my DM as I didn't realise how much freedom it would give me(although looking back I'm so glad she did).

And to be honest, driving lessons are expensive, they probably swallow up a large chunk of her wage. Many teens wouldn't prioritise them for that reason alone. It's better for her to get it out the way now, when she has less responsibility, than to leave it only to find she can't afford it further down the line due to rent and bills.

I don't think you should let her get away with murder but I do think you need to treat both of them equally. Your dd seems to be doing okay, it's your ds that seems (from the info you've provided) to be the one to worry about.

[titchy]

Agree it's your ds who's ass needs whopping not your dds.

You even give him pocket money for being a lazy git! And she gets none despite being at collage AND working!

[imwithspud]

There really isn't that much difference between a 17 and 18 nearly 19 year old. He shouldn't be getting pocket money if your dd doesn't, if you want your dd to pay rent then he should be expected to too.

[Mumof2lovelys]

Yeah my son is the bigger problem right now and he has been causing a lot of problems but that is a separate issue.

I don't give my daughter pocket money anymore as she works otherwise I would, I gave her money up until her 18th birthday even though she had worked a couple of months before this. My sons pocket money will stop too when he turns 18.

[Legendofthephoenix]

I think your daughter has got a good head on her shoulders and that is credit to you. A driving licence will help her to find jobs out of the area. You should be hard with her when it comes to chores. I think you should pat yourself on the back and just give her a little bit longer. I don't think you will ever be disapointed in her. Its always the boys who take longer to grow up leave him with his dad to teach him how to be a man.

[Mumof2lovelys]

Yes, I agree. My daughter had a lot of trouble in school and since leaving she has got her shit together but there are still things that I jut can't accept from her. Like her not thinking she should have any responsibilities.

I also agree about the boys taking longer to grow up. I was married before I had my son and daughter mentioned and had 2 sons from that marriage and since divorcing the dad of kids mentioned I've met someone else who had 2 sons and a daughter. My eldest son is in his 30s now and really does have his life together, he has an amazing career, 3 children and a wife. he had his daughter at 15 so had no choice but to get his shot together but my other son from first marriage is now 21, he moved out at 18, and is still making such juvenile mistakes. Both of my partners sons took a long time to grow up and finally accept responsibility, one of them still isn't quite there yet despite being 25.

My son is my biggest problem at the moment but this post was about my daughter as the problems with her are more easy to fix.

Thanks for all the advice anyway.

[rogueantimatter]

Here's my tuppence worth.

She should certainly contribute to the housework.

But, she's only just an adult and no more - her brain is still developing. So she needs to be treated with more patience than an older adult. Many older teenagers are still scatter-brained and overreact to being 'told off'.

Reading your posts makes me wonder if you grudge anyone the freedom that you didn't have at that age. I apologise if that's not the case. The fact of you having children early and managing well with them at a young age shouldn't affect what you expect your DD and DS to do at the same age. I'm puzzled as why to the three of you all cook your own meals? Wouldn't it be cheaper, more efficient and more sociable to eat together?

I know your posts are only a snapshot but they give the impression that you begrudge doing much for your children and don't give them credit for their achievements. Your DD is doing well to have a part-time job and be doing a college course. Many a full-time student her age basically leads a life of debauchery.

[corythatwas]

Another thought: if you want to treat her like an adult, you may have to leave her living space (=her room) for her to decide when to hoover as long as it does not impact on you or the rest of the family. Telling her that she has to have it hovered before her boyfriend can stay does sound as if you are still mummy supervising a playdate.

I also have a 19yo daughter. She has left college and is working but in a low-paid job. I think on the whole we seem to rub along better, partly probably because she is an easy-going and considerate person, but perhaps also because we don't try to control her too much and try to treat her in the normal friendly manner we would another adult living in our house. She does pay a low rent but we don't take all we could from her as she is trying to save for her future and we want to support that. What her room looks like is her problem as long as it is not a health hazard, and I wouldn't go in without knocking anyway.

As PP said, it is hard to judge from a snapshot, but some of the things you mention do sound a bit petty, like only taking your own washing in from the line. I want to cultivate an atmosphere where dd would rush out and rescue my washing if it was going to rain. I can understand that you probably did it out of frustration because of her unhelpfulness, but you risk ending up in a constant stream of mutual resentment where you try to outdo each other in pettiness.

You do sound very resentful even of things that most people would do as a matter of course for their children. Is it poverty or do you think it is a reminder of how tough those years were for you? If the former. then of course you can't give more (in time, energy or money) than you have, if the latter then you have to tell yourself that your children are not responsible for any choices you made at their age. I realise I may be in a different position because I had a pretty easy adolescence, whereas my dd has been struggling with chronic health issues, so I'm always amazed at her courage and wondering if I would have coped as well. But again, that was my life and not hers; I can't go around feeling guilty about it.

[ThreeBarrels]

Your DD sounds lovely, hard working, showing initiative, trying to get on in life. Your DS sounds a bit lazy or maybe just hasn't quite found his way, but it's obvious that he's the favourite, golden child, so no wonder if your DD picks up on this and doesn't feel that she is being loved or treated equally. I hope, for her sake (and yours), she moves out soon.

I don't think it's a pathetic excuse about the vacuuming, by the way, it's just the sort of thing my animal loving DD would do/say.

[rogueantimatter]

your children are not responsible for any choices you made at that age - that's what I was trying to say.

I agree with the comment about hovering her room too.

But I really do sympathise with coming home to wet washing etc.

It's not easy sharing with young adults.

[Mumof2lovelys]

I didn't have my children young, I meant my eldest son had his first child at 15.

We cook our own meals as i am often kept late at work and don't want the hassle of having to get home late and then have to cook for the family. I do occasionally cook on my days off but son is rarely around at meal times and if I dish him up a dinner for when he gets home it is often left in the fridge till it has to be binned as he gets home to last to eat it and then he would rather just cook a pizza the next day. When I am not cooking for them my partner sometimes will make us all dinner and there are days when I leave some food for them to make the whole family dinner with. I do think that both my children are capable of cooking for themselves though, although more often than not my daughter would rather go with out rather than get off her arse and cook.

Maybe it is like I am treating her like a child but too me she is acting like one. In regards to the cat comment, she has a deep love for cats and she treats our cat like a baby but many a time she has been in a rush to meet her friends and had no problem using her hairdryer with the cat asleep. Hovers and hair dryers are both equally as noisy.

[Ineedanapasap]

thjs may not be relevant to the post and please do not take offence but I feel your daughters health is important. You said in a earlier comment that she had recently lost a lot of weight and You have just said she would rather go with out dinner. Perhaps this is not a laziness thing but maybe more to do with poor body image and eating disorders.