My 16 year old daughter

[Desperateat50]

Hi First time on here and really need advice on what to do. I recently found out that my 16 year old daughter was in a relationship with a 21 year old. I found messages between them on my tablet which she had been using. The messages were very sexual explicit and referred to degrading sex acts. He called her his dirty slutty sex slave and she had to call him master. He also spoke of him hurting her, slapping her around, shoving a bottle up her vagina and bottom, pulling her hair and choking her. He talked of her having 3 cocks up her.... he also said he wanted to f**k her in public in front of her friends. He also wanted sex without a condom.
I confronted her about the messages and she admitted to me that she has had sex with him including anal sex.She denied having unprotected sex, having sex outside and that he hadn't tried to choke her and put bottles inside her as she wouldn't let him.
I have since found out that she has had unprotected sex and has had sex outside.
I feel I don't know my daughter I also feel that she has been manipulated by someone who is 5 years older than her.
I have contacted the police but although they agree that it is worrying it is not illegal....
I am going to talk to my doctor about her and show her the messages as I want her to be checked out for disease, pregnancy and and signs of violence.
I don't know what else I can do, I have remained almost calm with her and tried talking but I find it very hard to trust what she is telling me.
Please help

[MagnifiMad]

Oh gosh- I read and hoped that that somebody else would reply with some wisdom.

First thing first, I am really impressed that you spoke to her and spoke calmly.

It obviously is distressing to read and imagine she might consider the bottle or unprotected sex etc. Do you think you could have a discussion about how this 50 Shades of Grey stuff is not the norm for a sexual relationship and she should only ever do things if she genuinely wants to try- and only then within a safe and strong relationship? And that some things - anal, glass bottles- need particular care and precautions? Do you think it might be directly inspired by the 50 Shades of Shite book/film? In which case maybe exposure to other, less S&M erotica might be helpful?

Not that I am inherently against S&M but I guess I would worry that it's not the best introduction to sex at age 16 with a somewhat older guy.

[corythatwas]

OP, really sorry to hear this, must have been majorly stressful.

I think the best way to help your dd and enable her to move forward is to encourage her to feel that she should be in charge of her sexuality. What was wrong with this relationship was not that she had sex in itself, but that she had sex in a way that was not about her wants and desires, that she was being manipulated by an older man who tried to exert power over her in an abusive way.

The best protection against that ever happening again is to empower her. So make it clear to her that you do not for a moment blame her or feel she has blotted her copybook, but that all the blame is on the man, that this is not normal or healthy and not the way she had a right to have her first experience.

And then I think it would help if she makes any medical appointments; you want to foster the idea that she can be in charge. But do point out to her that this is almost certainly a good idea; as she will have been taught at school, many STD's are treatable, but if untreated they can cause a lot of trouble. Also suggest that she should do a pregnancy test.

I know your instinct is to wrap your little girl up in a blanket and protect her. But her confidence will have been badly knocked by this experience, and it is essential now that she regains it and does not feel that she is hopelessly incompetent and unable to manage her sexual life: otherwise she will be in danger from the next man who comes along.

[Clare1971]

You could call the NSPCC for advice. There advice on child sex exploitation (which is what this sounds like) covers guidance for young people up to 18. The police sound like they were less than helpful - do you know if the relationship started before she was 16?

[slgsue1979]

Wow I didn't expect to read that. My gosh you must be pulling your hair out I know I would be!
I think that you sound like you are doing amazingly well at staying calm. Have you tried talking to her about what she views as a "normal" relationship and what she wants out of one. At 16 it's very hard to know but maybe talking will help.
Do you know this person?

[PacificDogwod]

Is she a confident happy girl?
Is she having a happy, relaxed time in her sexual relationship?
Does she realise that sex is meant to be fun?
Does she feel she could say no to anything?

These are the kind of things I'd consider.
Girls are under tremendous pressure to agree to sexual acts at a very young age that would have been considered very hard core not that long ago.
Anal sex seems to be a particular obsession, apparently because it is percerceived to not cause pregnancy

Is she using contraception?
Does she know about STIs? Using condoms on top of another form of contraception?
Have you met the man in question?
Is he aware of her age?

You need more information.
Most crucial thing is that you do everything in your power to keep lines of communication open.

Here's another thought, do you think she wanted to be found out, what with using your iPad for explicit messages??
Her GP cannot discuss anything with you without her consent, although you can see him for support for yourself and you can of course pass on the information you have come across.

[Desperateat50]

Thank you for your replies. I have now spoken to her head of year at school and a child protection officer.The issue is not about her having sex, it is about the type of sex, unprotected sex and the messages which are very abusive. I believe and hope my daughter understands the full implications about the type of relationship she had with this man. We have had an open and frank discussion and are working through the impact it has had on our family. I have booked her in with the doctor and gave her the choice about me being with her and she wants me to go with her, which has put my mind at ease. It is not something I can forget easily but hopefully we can move on from this.

[AnyFucker]

Can I just congratulate you on how brilliant you have been about handling this.

Has she agreed to not see him again ?

I don't know how you have stopped yourself from arranging for this sexually abusive groomer to meet with a little "accident" on his way home from the pub one dark night. Hats off to you.