DD 16 overeating

[lbab1702]

My DD was in tears on Thursday and finally told me that she's fat, wants to be thin, but can't stop herself from eating too much. She is not fat, she has an athletic build, is 5ft 9 and weighs about 68kg. The girls in her friendship group are no where near as tall as her and are very thin, and I know she's comparing herself to them. Anyway, over the last year or so, this scenario has happened fairly regularly and I've encouraged healthy eating and regular exercise. On Thursday however, she also told me that she'd made herself sick after eating too much. I made an appointment with Dr who we got to see on Friday. The Dr wasn't overly helpful but did say she'd refer DD to an Eating Disorder Clinic. In the meantime, DD has asked me to control her eating for her, by doing all our meals, something she used to always help me with. This is fine with me but I feel so overwhelmed by this all and now the whole weekend is revolving around DD talking about food all the time. I'm also worried about week days as her worse time for overeating is when she gets home from school and is home alone till I get in from work. I just don't know how to handle things without it getting worse. It's just myself and DD at home. Any help or advise please ( sorry for the rambling post ).

[cathyandclaire]

for you, I don't have much helpful advice I'm afraid but I went through exactly this and ended up being the food police, which wasn't good for me or dd or our relationship.
What about some counselling? Something like this [ http://www.rethinkyourbody.co.uk/ ]
Pm me if you want to.

[lbab1702]

Thank you for the link. I think counselling would be exactly what she needs. She really wants to stop and isn't doing anything in secret at the moment ( well, tells me about it afterwards). I don't have any rubbish food in the house anymore so when she had a binge at least it's on healthy food (fruit etc). She just has no control to stop. And she talks about food/her next meal all the time. I'm overwhelmed by it and so stressed. Unfortunately, when I'm stressed I loose my apetite so don't want to eat much at the moment so not setting a good example. We probably need family therapy too as I'm loosing a grip on what is a healthy amount for her to be eating.

[Millyonthefloss]

Hi lbab, sorry your dd has made herself sick. That is our worst nightmare as parents I think. However, it's great that she was not secretive about it and that she agreed to go to a GP with you. A very good sign I would say. You must be a really good listener.

My younger teenage dd also has a much more solid body than her best friends who all seem to be very willowy (not all of them are I'm sure but it just seems that way to dd). She is just starting to talk about her own body negatively. I was a similar solid build but not overweight at that age. I never minded but I think the fashions were more forgiving then and we didn't spend so much time looking at photos of ourselves.

I point out women like Beyonce or Scarlett Moffatt to her . Women who are gorgeous but not super slender. She pretends not to be interested but it must go in.

Counselling would be a good idea but I think you should also firmly tell your dd that she is fit and beautiful as she is. She may not agree immediately but it will sink in.

I bet your daughter is lovely. Tell your daughter that she does not need to lose weight. Tell her she is beautiful enough as she is. If she is fit and healthy and she is not happy about the way she looks, then its just her clothes that need changing.

I am thinking of treating my dd to a personal shopping session at Topshop soon to help her find a great look for her shape. I've got a feeling they will be lovely and complimentary and it will give her a real ego boost. Could you do something like this? It can really help to have someone more knowledgeable show you which jeans will make you look better. Much healthier than going shopping for skinny jeans with much slimmer friends!! If you can afford it and you know the right shops to go to where the assistants are tactful, you could also take your dd to get a bra fitted, a swimsuit fitted etc etc - like the people over on the Style and Beauty thread do. That will make her feel gorgeous.

Sorry this post is so long. I feel very strongly about this subject!!!

In fact I have a long rant which my dd sometimes has to endure which points out that most real life women who are really at the top of their game in politics / business / singing / journalism /comedy / writing /architecture /acting /cooking / science / poker / police / etc etc etc are rarely skinny like models (or the actors who play these real life women in films) - because unless you are naturally really slim being skinny is actually a full time job. Imagine if all those women had concentrated on being skinny and obsessing about food instead of getting on with their lives. The only reason to be super slim is if you want to be a fashion model or an American actress or you live in a house with a very narrow door.

You are a lovely mum. Hope your dd feels better about herself soon. It's a mad world.

[Millyonthefloss]

This is quite an interesting TED talk about weight obsession:

www.ted.com/talks/sandra_aamodt_why_dieting_doesn_t_usually_work

She starts off with an interesting comment about her teenage self "I didn't need a diet I needed a fashion consult".

[lbab1702]

Thank you Milly for your lovely message. I do tell my daughter she's beautiful but maybe not often enough. I shall definitely start pointing out successful women to her. She mentioned yesterday that all her friends are on diets now in preparation for the prom night in June. It's just mad, and makes me so cross. I know lots of girls wouldn't be influenced by what others around them are doing, my DD unfortunately is.

[Millyonthefloss]

I think we are all influenced by what others around us are doing, lbab. I know I have been on diets in the past and may be again for all I know. I'm sure your dd will get past all this though. Her openness with you will get her through it.

Your post made me think about what I can do to help my dd be happy in her own skin. As well as getting some experts in to help her dress to flatter her shape and realise her own beauty, I think I should do everything I can to encourage her to just enjoy life and do more fun stuff - so that it's not so much about looks and achievements and trying to be perfect all the time.

One of my friends took her teenage dd to have her colours done. It sounds weird to me but she said the colour consultant was really charming and said lovely things about her dd and it gave her dd a real lift.

[lbab1702]

"Do more fun stuff".....that sums up exactly what I'm going to do with my DD once we've got through the next few weeks of GCSEs. The last few months haven't been fun, with all the weekends taken up with course work and revision. Thank you for your ideas. I'm feeling more positive already. I've also ordered the book Brain over Binge which was recommended to me and I hope it will help me understand how my dd has got to the place she's in, which may, I hope, help me help her get out again.

[Millyonthefloss]

Good luck! With you looking out for her, I'm sure she will get out of the place she's in. Hope you both have a really lovely summer.

[BoboChic]

I agree with other posters: there is nothing terribly wrong with your DD's weight or ED (yet) but she clearly lacks confidence in her appearance. Working on hair/skin/clothes sounds like a positive approach that doesn't mean she cannot watch her diet but she won't make it the sole focus of the solution to her appearance issues.