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Feeling frustrated by teen daughter

(11 Posts)
Lenmum Fri 29-Apr-16 17:27:56

I really don't know what to do about my 13 year old daughter she is a good girl and doing well in school but is hard work to communicate with and lacks in social skills even with friends. For example a fair comes to town every year in May and she says she wants to go up with friends but I've had to push her into asking them as they haven't asked her. She said one girl was talking about it but she didn't get involved in the conversation when I asked why not she just said I was busy. I then said why don't you ask her about it then but then also couldn't understand why if she really wanted to go why she didn't say anything there and then. The next day I asked had she talked to this friend and she said no shed forgot but another friend had asked her but this friend has since changed her mind. So suggested that if she wants to go then ask the other friend again by this time I feel like I'm pushing her into going and I have said to her many times if she not interested in going that's fine only ask your friends if you want to go not because I'm telling you to but she says she wants to go. She then txt this friend that night but when I asked the next morning if she had a reply as she was on her way out to school she just said she didn't know because she hadn't turned her phone on yet. Which again I can't understand because if she really wanted to go why is she not checking her phone. She then came home tonight and said this friend is not going, I then asked her although she said she's not going does that mean she doesn't want to go and she just said I don't know, so I pointed out maybe if she asked if she wanted to go she might get a better answer I have now left her texting her mate and waiting to see what she comes back with. I feel so stressed because I feel like I'm pushing her into going which is not my intention at all I just don't want her to miss out as me and my friends used to love it when the fair came round at her age and yes I know we are not all the same which is why I have said to her if she isnt interested in going just say and I'll stop asking as it is I have made arrangements to go up with a friend and her daughter but she has said she also wants to go with her school friends. I think part of the problem is she has got used to people organising things for her because when she was at primary school I would arrange things with friends mums to do things and last year her friends that she would hang out with would make the arrangements and invite her but her best friend left school in sept and she stopped hanging round with the others I don't know whether that was her choice or theirs but I know she still talks to them sometimes but this new bunch of friends apart from the odd trip into town she doesn't do anything with them outside of school. I know I should sit back and leave her to it but I just don't want her to be lonely as she is an only child.

MrsJayy Fri 29-Apr-16 17:36:04

Tbh she sounds like an ordinary dithery 13 year old girl mine were the same at that age couldnt organise anything without texting a million times going not going maybe going <sigh> I just left them to it drove me nuts I think its the transition from us organising them to them oraganising themselves, but I cant remembering dithering so much when i was 13. It was a case of going to town saturday yip get you at the bus stop at 2 yip

Lenmum Fri 29-Apr-16 18:01:03

I know what you mean about not being like it when I was 13 me and my friends would just say at school shall we go do this and and arrange time and day amongst our selves and that was that my mother never needed to get involved but she's been at school with her friends all day and not even discussed it with them is the thing that gets me and it's taken for me to suggest that she ask in a different way to now start the ball rolling on organising something.

JustDanceAddict Fri 29-Apr-16 20:31:58

Mine is similar. I just asked if she was seeing a friend on Sun who asked DD in the week if she was free (a rarity in itself). DD said 'I dunno, probably not.' Eh? She said she'd text her anyway. She's not exactly overwhelmed with friends so needs to grab these opportunities. I need to know as I said I'd drop DS at his friend's, plus I need to organise my own day!!

katemiddletonsnudeheels Fri 29-Apr-16 20:32:54

To be honest and meant very nicely, but I think you're being a bit over involved, there is nothing worse than 'why didn't you / you should have said / why on earth ...' When recounting a conversation and it may well make her self conscious.

MrsJayy Fri 29-Apr-16 20:38:33

I agree with you kate best leave them to sort it out

corythatwas Sat 30-Apr-16 10:41:45

I feel the same as katemiddleton here. There is a good chance that if she hasn't made proper arrangements she doesn't actually care that much about this particular outing; I don't think you want her hung up on the idea that every meeting-up that doesn't get off the ground represents some kind of failure. Her social life should not be about reassuring you that she is a certain type of person.

It may be that she finds she sees enough of these new friends at school. It may be that now she is at secondary and a teen- lots of changes to her body, lots of changes to her life - she needs time after school to as down time.

I think as adults we can get fixated on the idea that all teens, at every stage of teenagehood, have a vibrant social life and that this is some kind of signifier of what they will be like as adults.

It is very normal for teens at this age to go into a sort of cocoon and emerge eventually with a new set of friends, new interests, even what seems like a new personality.

Obviously, look out for signs of actual depression, make sure she has basic social skills to get on with people without hurting and upsetting them (which is not the same as going out with them), but other than that- give her time.

Lenmum Sun 01-May-16 07:56:36

I understand what you are all saying and the last thing I want is to make her feel pressured by me to do things that she doesn't want to do and I did say if she wasn't interested then don't worry about asking anyone but she kept saying she did as it is after saying to her friends do you want to go (rather than are you going) they've now organised between them a time and a day to go.
I do however wonder if part of the reason she holds back doing anything with anyone is because she is scared to get too close to anyone as her last best friend and her where inseparable and did everything together and I know she was upset when her friend had to move away, although she didn't show it as she does not talk about her emotions or feeling which makes it harder to understand how she is really feeling. Also she had a hard time the last couple of months of primary when her and her best friend fell out and she was isolated by the girls. She did make up with this girl at secondary and was quite friendly again with her again last year but again this year she seems to have gone off the scene again. she is also not like your typical teen girl into make up hair boys which I think is fine and she seems happy that way but because of this she has even said herself that she doesn't related to a lot of the girls in her class (it's an all girl school)but at the same time she does not want to go to a mixed school as she doesn't want to be with boys. I do spend a lot of time with her we have shopping trips and cinema trips and do other things together which I think is great as I never had that relationship with my mum but I can't help worry that she relys on me too much these days and should be from time to time with friends of her own.

JustDanceAddict Sun 01-May-16 12:46:03

I totally understand where you're coming from, and parents of kids who are sociable would not really 'get it'. DD did contact her friend and they have gone out today, but if I hadn't asked, she may not have texted her to firm up the arrangement. I think non-girly girls have a harder time making friends and fitting in as so much seems to be about what you look like, boys, etc. and while DD is interested to some extent, it's not her main interest in life!! She used to be very anti-girly stuff but has got into make-up and clothes more as she has got older, which has helped her fit in a bit more I suppose (she is coming up for 14).

BackforGood Sun 01-May-16 12:58:06

I agree with Kate and others - you are over invested in this.
Leave them to it.
All young teens go through a phase of not going out / meeting up, it's just a transition between parents organising things and them being able to do so efficiently / confidently as adults. At 13, there's 1001 messages to end up with nothing organised, IME.

MrsJayy Sun 01-May-16 13:02:26

I blame T'nternet for the 1001 messages thing Dd is 18 and they still do it she was going to Nandos last night they had a nando group chat confused

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