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14 yo old DD had sex

(53 Posts)
whatdoidowiththis Sun 24-Apr-16 19:05:13

Found out my 14 yo DD has had sex with her boyfriend. She was only going out with him for a month.

A friend she told told her mum who text me. So I've spoken to my daughter who admitted it. They were careful ( thank god). They broke up a week later.

I have been open and honest with my daughters about sex, consent, self respect and what have you.

I'm upset and angry about it, whether that's right or wrong. She's too young for all this. I'm a complete fucking idiot and trusted her when she said nothing like that was going on. Although I appreciate she's hardly going to tell me.

What do I do? It's happened and that's it. We've just had a big row and she's upset and mortified.

Daffolill Sun 24-Apr-16 19:13:10

Sounds like it was a big shock to you op flowers. I'm not sure what you can do apart from having a no boyfriend upstairs rule and imposing a strict curfew. Thing is if they want to do it they will find a time and a place.

Have you discussed long term contraception with her eg the pill or implant? Obviously to be used as well as condoms.

I know it's hard not to shout and be upset but please try not to make her feel that she can't talk to you, at 14 I would be very concerned about the emotional side of having casual sex.

SoupDragon Sun 24-Apr-16 19:15:59

What's done is done. I assume they were both similar ages?

I would go give her a hug and apologise for being angry but explain why you were upset and angry. I think that if you don't she will never tell you stuff in the future.

whatdoidowiththis Sun 24-Apr-16 19:22:58

I have shouted and I'm gobsmacked as I naively thought she wouldn't do it.

They broke up a week later. She told me at the time that she was fed up with him. Now it's because he was 'funny' with her afterwards. She says she doesn't know why I'm annoyed as they used a condom- so I should know she's not immature. Obviously I'm glad about that but I'm hardly going to be patting her on the back.

She knows about the pill, etc and if she was older and in a long term relationship I would understand. She barely knew him, what the bloody hell what she was doing?!

whatdoidowiththis Sun 24-Apr-16 19:25:44

Yes he is 15, so only a few months older.

I know I can't undo it. I'm Just shocked to be honest. I'm
Keeping my distance until we both calm down then I will go and give her a hug.

TealLove Sun 24-Apr-16 19:29:27

This is why I'm going to hammer home to DD to brace herself because boys often just want to pop their cherries then run off.

SoupDragon Sun 24-Apr-16 19:31:14

This is why I'm going to hammer home to DD to brace herself because boys often just want to pop their cherries then run off.

Stop demonising boys FFS.

SoupDragon Sun 24-Apr-16 19:33:58

She barely knew him, what the bloody hell what she was doing?!

She was being a hormonal teenager. they aren't known for their common sense unfortunately!

expatinscotland Sun 24-Apr-16 19:33:59

The genie's out of the bottle now. Teal, plenty of female teens are more than glad to 'lose it', you know. I certainly was.

Heavens2Betsy Sun 24-Apr-16 19:37:04

This is why I'm going to hammer home to DD to brace herself because boys often just want to pop their cherries then run off
To be fair that's not demonising them - it happens a lot.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sun 24-Apr-16 19:37:34

Teal confused You clearly don't have sons.

RickOShay Sun 24-Apr-16 19:38:16

I bet anything she is feeling bad right now. It is done. She is your daughter, bit the bullet and talk to her, especially about how she feels about his behaviour.
flowers for you. I also have a 14 yo dd.

Ticktacktock Sun 24-Apr-16 19:38:59

Demonising boys??? It's been the same since the hear dot, only now worse because of all the internet porn they watch. My dd has been chucked 3 times because the boys were trying to get her knickers off and she said no. It was the same when I was a teen. I was also chucked for the same reason more than once.

SoupDragon Sun 24-Apr-16 19:40:24

I shall be warning my DSs about all those slutty girls.

whatdoidowiththis Sun 24-Apr-16 19:40:26

For the record I don't blame him. He is just a kid like her.
I think they both panicked afterwards as they weren't ready, based on what DD said.

I'm just shocked.

Flumplet Sun 24-Apr-16 19:40:34

I lost my virginity at your dd's age, op. I was in a long term relationship though (lasted until we were 19) and i went on the pill and snuck around - we were at it wherever we could be - any little cupboard, empty house. I Thought it was going to be 'forever' relationship blah, blah, blah. Like most teenagers, I thought I knew best, i hid it from my mum, and she ended up finding my pills --- and then went absolutely batshit at me, which affected my relationship with my mum badly as I had breached her trust. I didn't stop hiding things from her - though, I just got cleverer at keeping secrets to avoid the rows. please take advice from me, she'll do whatever she wants to do, you just need to manage that and educate her as best you can to make sensible choices re contraception and STIs, which it sounds like you have done. Some of us just need to learn our lessons the hard way, unfortunately.

QueenMolotov Sun 24-Apr-16 19:48:45

I'm not speaking as a parent of a teenager (my eldest is only 7yo), but I do vividly remember being a teen and my DM going off her nut at me for losing my virginity at 16yo to my then-boyfriend (he was 17). I thought he loved me - turns out I was just a rebound fling; he was 'on a break' from his proper girlfriend. We had sex a couple of times but when he went back to his long-term girlfriend, he just dropped me.

It was horrible. I thought the sun shone from him and I believed the things he said. When he dumped me, I felt so stupid, then my DM found out and went on and on about STDs, pregnancy, PIV, and I then felt stupid and dirty.

The problem is that your DD no doubt has sexual feelings due to her burgeoning sexual identity. But at 14, she is still a child and without knowing her personally, I would say a 14yo is too immature to deal with the emotional side of sex - especially when a loving partner is absent, and she is with a boy who just wants to have sex.

She may also feel peer pressure (I did. I was quite old to lose my virginity at 16 where I was from). She probably feels stupid, used, cheap, and bad for letting you down. She has done a silly thing, and it can't be undone now, but making her feel bad won't help. You risk alienating her from telling you stuff in the future.

You won't ever stop her from having sex, so don't try to do that. You can set curfews, not allow boyfriends to sleep over, etc. You can make her think about her future choices by supporting her now. A boy has to show he is worthy of her time and attention. She's not the first, and won't be the last girl to make such a mistake. The trick is to not keep making the same mistake. Be kind to her.

Good luck.

QueenMolotov Sun 24-Apr-16 19:50:59

PID, not PIV

whatdoidowiththis Sun 24-Apr-16 19:56:38

I do have curfews, this is her first boyfriend and he would never have been allowed to sleep over. Nor has she slept at his and wouldn't have been allowed. He'd only been here once and shyly said hello.

I do feel bad for shouting, I accept I shouldn't have. But that's easier said than done. I will go and make peace
With her. I love her very much

QueenMolotov Sun 24-Apr-16 20:01:21

Just trying to make helpful suggestions, OP smile I completely empathise with how difficult the situation is.

whatdoidowiththis Sun 24-Apr-16 20:03:46

I know, thanks. Just feel a bit of a crap mum right now.

Thanks for the feedback everyone thanks

TealLove Sun 24-Apr-16 20:25:15

I have seen it first hand with my stepsons. Both openly planned to " Pop their cherries" then "dump her quick". They said that all the boys in their year planned to do the same.
I don't think 15 yo girls operate in this way as much no.

whatdoidowiththis Sun 24-Apr-16 20:27:47

Not all lads are like that, that's not fair. To be honest all teenagers come out with all types of bullshit, girls and boys.

expatinscotland Sun 24-Apr-16 20:28:37

'I have seen it first hand with my stepsons. Both openly planned to " Pop their cherries" then "dump her quick". They said that all the boys in their year planned to do the same.
I don't think 15 yo girls operate in this way as much no.'

Well, I did. I wasn't interested in love or a relationship or forever. I wanted a good shag. I chose a 23-year-old man because he was experienced and I didn't have to pretend to love him, could just have good sex and learn how to get pleasure from it for both of us.

Plenty of 15-year-old girls hot to lose it.

StarUtopia Sun 24-Apr-16 20:31:07

I have a son and a daughter.

Rest assured, I also think 99.9% of boys want to just have sex. No emotion involved at all.

It's totally different (usually) for girls.

I'm fairly certain my son will be like those 99.9% and it will be my job to make sure he doesn't go round breaking too many hearts and getting any STD's

I'll be making sure DD knows most lads are knobs (her brother probably included) and she needs to be very picky about who puts their penis inside her! Especially in this day and age with mobile phones, snapchat etc etc etc

OP - you're not a crap mum.

Seriously. Men (boys) do think differently about these things.

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