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Ex husband throwing party for our 16 yr old daughter

(33 Posts)
Mikesmama Thu 21-Apr-16 23:17:24

Just separated from my husband, 18 yr old son lives mainly with him and 15 yr old daughter mainly with me. My ex is holding a huge party for her 16th involving all the kids chipping in money for booze, food etx (mainly booze I imagine). He isnt speaking to me so I can only find out what's planned from the kids. A load of the 18 year old's friends are going as well and they all drink and smoke loads of weed. I feel I have no say in this but I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT MY SIXTEEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER GOING TO THIS!! She is all excited about this amazing party which is incidentally totally unlike the things her friends did for their sixteenth ( meal out, small party for a few girls in the house etc). I have no control over this and I dont like the sound of it, it's not what I want for my daughter. Can I put a lid on this somehow without my daughter hating me??

leonardthelemming Fri 22-Apr-16 00:03:55

I think, since she'll be 16, there isn't a lot you can do, except hope you've brought her up in such a way that she makes sensible decisions. Just because other people are smoking doesn't mean she has to, and drinking is legal if the party is in a private house. If she knows her limits she won't have too much.

The thing I might be worried about is the possibility of other people spiking her drink with spirits or even roofies. Is she aware of this, and how to guard against it? But I wouldn't tell her - rather ask her to think about what might go wrong and how would she keep herself safe? If she thinks about the risks herself she'll avoid them.

cbigs Fri 22-Apr-16 00:24:03

Can you ask her older brother to look out for her? I'm sure she'll be fine for one night , I was doing all sorts at 16 without my parents even knowing anyway so with her dad there and brother and friends can't see how much of a problem this is. I do think it's difficult that they're all involved in this and you're not but that's life when co parenting with an ex. ( I'm there myself) Id make light comments about 'watch your drinks at the party' and 'oi misses ! Not too many drinks ' etc. And let her get on with it. She'll probably have a great time .

corythatwas Fri 22-Apr-16 11:38:45

I would let her go and just make sure you have had a calm talk with her beforehand. Start from the premise that there will be drink there, discuss with her how she can handle it without getting overwhelmed (it should be fairly simple to point out that vomiting or urinating in front of her friends is not going to be a pleasant memory). Talk about practical measures (plenty of soft drinks in between etc) and make it clear that you assume that she is old enough to take responsibility for this. Also perfectly fair to say "I really do not want you to smoke weed". The calmer you are, the less outraged you seem, the easier it will be to get through. These situations will keep arising from now on: the most important thing is that she knows that she can talk to you even about potentially very shocking things, and that she need never hold back from asking your advice or calling on you in an emergency.

Sunshine87 Fri 22-Apr-16 11:44:23

I wouldn't let her ago it's not apporiate she has only just turned 16. What is your exh playing at? The drugs is enough of a red flag. Maybe suggest a sleepover with her girls abit of alcohol that way you can control the environment.

cbigs Fri 22-Apr-16 16:02:32

Sunshine it's with her dad who I assume is a co parent. I had access to far worse than someone with a joint at 16 ! Atleast you know where she is and she's with a parent and a sibling . Maybe just different upbringings but at 16 is let her go after a word about don't go crazy etc .

FreshHorizons Fri 22-Apr-16 16:06:29

How can she do that Sunshine - he is an equal parent and she is quite likely to decide to go and live with if OP gets too heavy. It is only 2 yrs until she is an adult.
I would follow cory's advice.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 22-Apr-16 16:09:05

Apart from the weed, I can't see what's wrong with it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Fri 22-Apr-16 16:11:35

I know plenty of families where the kids jointly have get togethers or gatherings I think they tend to call them, so mixed age groups. Two years age difference is nothing.

WorraLiberty Fri 22-Apr-16 16:15:47

I would sit her and your son down together and discuss your concerns.

Make it clear what you expect from both of them and leave it at that.

There's really not much else you can do.

mamas12 Fri 22-Apr-16 16:45:26

If I Were You I would go to the party too, take a friend or your mum with you and tell your ds that you'll just stay to toast her birthday
Just get a feel of the place then, I'm sure it will be ok I. The end it s just nerve racking sometimes isn't it

Bluelilies Fri 22-Apr-16 17:16:36

I don't think you can stop a 16 year old going to a party that her own parent is organising for her. The best you can do is to talk to her about staying safe, how to count your drinks, avoiding spirits or punches (as you can't count how much you've had) and what to do if other people are getting drunk, or passing drugs around. She'll be going to plenty more parties you can't control either over the coming years so no point trying to stop this one, as it's likely just to cause conflict with your ex.

I get that you think he's trying to be the cool parent allowing more than other parents do, but you have to leave him to it tbh. It's his house they'll be trashing, not yours.

If you have any influence at all with your ex, I'd try and persuade him to stick to beer, cider and alcopops under 6% alcohol, as it's not so easy to get drunk on them. Definitely avoid spirits as that ends badly with teens.....

Mikesmama Fri 22-Apr-16 18:49:48

Each kid invited is contributing ten quid to the 'booze fund' apparently, there will be lots of spirits, one of the 18 yr olds mixes cocktails. Me and ex are not speaking much so he wont let me in the house. Ive just found out he wont even be there till after ten pm as he will be working!!!
It is 'his house' however legally it is still half mine. I get that kids want to have fun, Indid at that age, but this sounds uncontrolled and it's not a party I'd be happy letting her go to if it was at someone elses house!

Bluelilies Fri 22-Apr-16 19:29:53

Sounds a recipe for a disaster. I wouldn't want my 16 year old going to a party drinking £10 worth of booze (that's masses shock) and unlimited cocktails.

Are you able to appeal to either of your DC to try to reign it in a bit? I'm still thinking it's going to be difficult to put any kind of a stop to it. Maybe warn any of dd's friends parents you're in contact with? 15/16 is very young for that sort of thing. What is your ex thinking of?

Maybe make sure your DD can call you to come home to yours if she needs to?

Mikesmama Fri 22-Apr-16 20:16:13

Why do you think I am divorcing him?! He's an idiot. Also he wants to be the kids' mate rather than their dad. He refuses to let me be there to supervise while he is out.
Plan A is warning her friend's parents what is likely to happen. Plan B is anonymously calling the police at about ten pm and complaining about the noise, lol.
I could just shrug and think 'oh well, he can deal with the fallout, pregnancies, hospital admissions etc'. Just hope it's not my kid.

GasLightShining Fri 22-Apr-16 22:56:19

If I was one of the parents I would be livid if I found out about the £10. I let my DC go to parties (thankfully not many) but they took their own alcohol so I could control it.

I also would not be happy if there was not a parent present

I would have a chat to her about sensible drinking etc and let her know she can ring if there are any problems

cbigs Fri 22-Apr-16 23:46:49

Op have a read of the thread in chat about teens drinking . I'd say more are happy to supply alcohol and know where there kids are than not and push them to lie tbh. Certainly my PoV.

Sunshine87 Sat 23-Apr-16 10:26:33

Its he fact the dad isn't going to be there to supervise it and 10 pounds each for alcohol it's going to be chaos. I can completely see your point op and regardless of it being her dad I still wouldn't allow her to attend. There's an age limit for a reason and if there will be large amount of alcohol it's going to get drunk at least if there's an adult e.g parent they can supervise it. It never amazes me on Mumsnet how suddenly a child turns 16 there an adult they are not you still need to guide them appropriately and ensure they remain safe. I don't think op would appreciate a trip to A&E to have her daughters stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning. Op has genuine concerns and rightly so. Stick to your guns or insist your dad be present at the party at least. What if she choked on her own sick, ended up in a vulnerable situation. At that age teenagers don't necessarily make the right choices than someone with more experience would. Having a parent on standby would be more appropriate.

Sunshine87 Sat 23-Apr-16 10:30:05

Having your ex husband didn't mean to type dad

leonardthelemming Sat 23-Apr-16 11:27:45

There's an age limit for a reason

But, Sunshine, it isn't entirely clear what the reason is, and there are countries which take a more liberal approach to teenagers and alcohol and have less of a problem with binge drinking. This implies that trying to ban alcohol is an ineffective strategy and may even exacerbate the problem. In any case, at a private house the age limit is 5.

But I do agree with some of your sentiments and I understand the OP's concern. I think the reason some people are saying just to leave it - since she's 16 - is because it's very difficult for parents to enforce anything at that age. She could, after all, go and live with her dad, or even on her own.

So the guidance has to be remote. The OP needs to trust her daughter to make her own, sensible, decisions. You are right that the girl is not yet an adult, but she's no longer a child. True, some 16-year-olds are immature, but so are some 26-year-olds. It's all about risk management. If the daughter thinks about the situation in advance, she ought to be able to come up with a strategy for keeping herself safe. And she is more likely to accept her mum's advice than she would her mum telling her what to do (or not to do).

soundofthenightingale Sat 23-Apr-16 16:18:58

I think your ex is creating a very irresponsible and dangerous situation. 16s and under 16s house-party, £10 alcohol per head, no adult presence until later on. The mind boggles. What to do about it is difficult though. I hope you are able to find a way to protect your daughter (and the other young people present) from this potential mess. I wish I could offer more "advice" but I can't think of any in this tricky situation. But I do think you need to find your power in this and be totally firm.

Mikesmama Sat 23-Apr-16 20:00:06

I told the ex my concerns and he has arranged for an adult mate to go round there to the 'responsible adult' until ten pm. Im still not happy about the tenner for booze thing, but have spoken to DD about sensible drinking etc. Im less worried about her than the other kids going! Theyre mostly 'nice kids' and I think their parents would be worried if they knew what was going on.
I can't really do much more, the DD is furious with me for interfering already, but I don't care!!

bevelino Sun 24-Apr-16 20:35:32

OP I have 4 teen girls and I would not allow any of them to attend or host a party like the one you describe. It has disaster written all over it. For all those who say your dd is 16 and there is not a lot you can do are wrong. There is plenty you can do and speak to your ex and say no to this ridiculous party.

leonardthelemming Sun 24-Apr-16 20:54:44

OP I have 4 teen girls and I would not allow any of them to attend or host a party like the one you describe.

So, can you please explain how you would stop them...

For all those who say your dd is 16 and there is not a lot you can do are wrong. There is plenty you can do

Please provide examples as to what the OP could do.

Let's face it, the OP's son will be at the party too - and he's 18. So, empty house assumed, the two siblings could organise it between them with no need for the ex to be involved. And without the OP even being aware of it. This is not to say I support what he's doing, I don't. But a parent's role is to provide their teenagers with the tools to manage difficult situations successfully by themselves, not to do all the risk management for them.

Bluelilies Sun 24-Apr-16 21:01:16

No, I'd agree. The OP can't just "say no" to her ex, as he's not asking for her permission confused. And doesn't need her permission to throw a party for his DD, regardless of how stupid he's being. She can't physically restrain her DD and stop her going either.

All she can do is to try and help her manage the risk as well as possible, warn other parents off, and be there to pick up the pieces if necessary.

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