This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
What to do about dd being constantly late(12 Posts)
So its not the worst thing in the world but this drives me nuts. I HATE being late and Dd is late for everything. It might be only 5 or ten minutes late for class or something, but she's still late. She seems to have no concept of time. Will sit around for hours doing nothing much, then leap up and start getting ready at the last minute. I tell her to get ready first then sit around but she'd still turn up late even if she did this.
Quite often I end up driving down the road like a formula one driver to get her places!
She just doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. Its me who's bothered.Even her friends are fed up with her but she thinks its a joke.
What can I do? I worry she will never hold down a job if she continues like this (and never leave home!).
I know the answer is just to leave her to it but please tell me she is not the only one like this.
Leave her to it. Do not drive her if she isn't ready when she knows she has to be. Let her walk or try to get a lift from someone else, or a taxi, and make her give her own excuses for herself.
Ask her when a time is being arranged what she herself is going to do to ensure she is ready to go at that time. Ask her to tell you how much time is needed to get herself ready and how much time is needed to get from Point A to Point B. Tell her you are confident she will manage to do the necessary maths in order to arrive on time, and tell her to come and get you when she is ready to leave. If there's not enough time to get there on time, then tell her you're sorry but you won't bring her to Point B late. It's on time or not at all.
It's avoidant behaviour. Is there any other area in her life where she sells herself short or does things that seem to smack of shooting herself in the foot? Does she avoid trying in case of failing?
It's also attention seeking. In her mind, is general 'quirkiness' or incompetence an attractive personality trait she is trying to develop? Does she have solid goals for herself and is she engaged in school or with an extra curricular activity? Is there any area in which she shines?
Thanks math. Some good points.
I shouldn't drive her if she is going to be late, I know. I just can't bear being late myself and hate it if anyone else is late as well.
She hasn't got any goals in life, any realistic goals anyway. Does not like studying and equally does not like the thought of a 9-5 job. Basically lazy and unmotivated.
Interesting that you mention avoiding trying in case she fails. That is so her!
She shines in one area of the "arts", but won't put herself out there and make the effort to make it happen.
I have to stop bailing her out and maybe she will learn.
I think the problem is deeper than being late though that is one very annoying symptom (that would certainly get my goat.)
There might even be some mild depression going on.
Last year I had to change my working hours so I could take dd to school for her GCSE exams. Otherwise she would have been late and missed them! They were too important to take that chance and I think I'm going to have to do it again this year for AS levels as I don't trust her to get there on time
No I don't think she is depressed. She's been like this for a long time. Just lazy and immature, although she thinks she is very grown up! Its so annoying.
This is stuff-you behaviour from someone who thinks she is important. Tell her that and stop enabling. Also remove some privileges until she learns manners. Surprised the friends still bother.
Our DD is guilty. She started being late for class too so each day that she was we removed her phone and iPad for an hour after school. That sorted that out. No more lates.
Then she keeps people waiting all the time and has to be nagged several times to do things especially before school. After the tenth row about it, when all was calm I told her that from now on I tell her something once only and if she doesn't respond by a certain time e.g. down for breakfast by 7.45am then there will be consequences (usually removal of the precious phone which she doesn't get until we are in the car anyway).
Keeping people waiting eg when picking her up from friends is what we're working on now. It's a constant boring battle still and her friends are just as bad. I committed the cardinal sin of moaning at one of her friends the other day who kept me waiting for 15 minutes, but I actually didn't care if DD was mortified- my time is precious too and I had an hospital appointment. I sit in the car texting DD that I am waiting and by the time she arrives I am in a foul mood. I agree It is rude and I'm not agreeing to any more pick ups atm. Tough.
To a large extent I agree with SpecialSubject. your DD is getting attention for something quite negative, making you dance around her. Since she is generally unmotivated and disengaged otherwise, it might be a good idea to find out why she is so afraid of trying in case she fails. Perfectionism can paralyse. Being chronically late is another face of this particular problem imo. It might be worth looking into some sort of counselling. It is very problematic when the overall picture shows someone who simply doesn't try. She has pretty much one bite at the educational cherry. Time will not wait for her.
I've had many a row with dd (well her shouting at me to leave her alone) about lateness. I don't think imposing sanctions would make any difference in my case other that to create even more of an atmosphere.
Dh tells me just to leave her to it. If she's late, then its her lookout and she will have to deal with the consequences.
I can't seem to help myself nagging her about it though but there is no point. She does not care. 6th form do nothing about it when she is late for class and she wouldn't care if they kicked her out anyway!
I will make sure she is on time for exams in a few weeks but after that I am going to have to leave her to it.
I'm in the same boat with DD. It's easier now she drives - it's her lookout if she's late. Unless it's me that needs to be on time and we're travelling together, I've learnt to detach and leave her to it. She hasn't changed though. Some people are like that - I have a few friends the same. It's very annoying. DD does have anxiety/depression so I think that's part of the problem. But not all.
I do the same as you for exams though bumper. It's too important. I lie about the time we have to leave sometimes. Not a good long term answer but works at the time.
Yeah, let her be late. You're not one and the same and you can't force her to change. Let her deal with the natural consequences. Oh, your friends don't invite you anymore? Pity. Maybe you should try being more reliable. You lost your job? Shame. Punctuality is a basic requirement for that. Sorry, I won't drive you today. You should start getting ready sooner shouldn't you? Better she learns sooner than later.