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My son is violent towards me - I've had enough

(22 Posts)
ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Mon 11-Apr-16 22:57:42

My DS, aged 11, has uncontrollable tempers. He breaks things but also is violent towards me. He hit me with a broom today, leaving a nasty bruise. I have been to GP, got CAHMS referral but was refused assistance. Been to family counseling privately but can't afford to continue with it. He also hits DH, his Dad. We are at the end of our tether. Would calling the police be an overreaction?

neolara Mon 11-Apr-16 22:59:30

No, definitely not an overreaction.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff Mon 11-Apr-16 23:01:02

I would, he needs help.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Mon 11-Apr-16 23:01:35

Would they arrest him or just caution him do you think?

elephantoverthehill Mon 11-Apr-16 23:03:50

I think he needs to realise that people cannot behave in this way. May be the police could help him understand this?

KindDogsTail Mon 11-Apr-16 23:05:54

Go back to the GP.
GPs can prescribe counselling or another referral.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Mon 11-Apr-16 23:07:15

It really needs to stop. He has injured his dad the times in the last month and me today ( it has happened before). I feel that he will kill one of us eventually. Does anyone have experience of how the police would handle it if I called them?

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Mon 11-Apr-16 23:07:42

That should read three times in the last month.

KindDogsTail Mon 11-Apr-16 23:20:06

Maybe this organisation might have some advice OP.
www.familylives.org.uk/
I saw it mentioned in these government guidelines: www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/420963/APVA.pdf

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Mon 11-Apr-16 23:32:43

Thank you. I have seen the family lives website but not the other document. I have had a skim through and it is quite reassuring. It hits the nail on the head about reluctance to seek help - the immediate suspicion is that the family is awful and child has been exposed to abuse and/or neglect. Not true for us. I also fear or other son would be taken away from us which would be too terrible to contemplate. The document acknowledges these fears but I'm not sure it means that are unfounded.

Has anyone called the police and what did they do? I don't want my son to have a criminal record - I just want the violence to stop.

KindDogsTail Mon 11-Apr-16 23:54:35

1.12 & 1.13 Say the most about that, but you probably have read that now.

Blu Tue 12-Apr-16 05:12:06

Very upsetting, OP, sorry you are dealing with this.

Does he have the same issues at school? Can they help with getting help or an assessment?

In your shoes, I would call the Family Lives help line before calling the police. It sounds as if he needs help to manage his anger and temper. Did the family counseling make any difference at all? I am shocked that your GP turned you away with no counseling for him. Or rather I know CAMHS are bursting at the seams but (without any knowledge or experience) I thought GP's could prescribe counseling.

I would worry that without any help to get to the bottom of his anger and temper, Calling the police will simply result in a few police interviews, he begins to develop a 'whatever' attitude to the police and dies end up with a caution. Which IS a criminal record.

How do you think he would respond to the police being called?

knitknack Tue 12-Apr-16 05:30:31

Tell the school!! I am a pastoral leader and if I heard that a year 7 had used violence towards his mum or dad I would immediate make a MARF (multi-agency) referral. (They may think a CAF better, but I'd disagree. A CAF is a form that accesses help but takes a bit longer). 'Multi-agency' IS the police, social services, NHS etc - it's your doorway to help. Ask to speak directly with the DSL (designated safe-guarding leader) and be honest - they'll have heard it before as well as much worse! I talk to a crying parent most days - and am one myself regularly too! Ring them today.

SpecialNonOperations Tue 12-Apr-16 06:22:19

I think telling the school would be the best idea, too. They might have other ideas for programs and help, and hopefully he would get help, not punishment. My heart goes out to you. I'd personally want to go a different route to calling the cops, but you must keep yourself safe.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes Tue 12-Apr-16 06:28:21

Yanbu to call the police. Get this sorted while he is a child.

KindDogsTail Tue 12-Apr-16 12:02:43

Op why not try calling this helpline for parents to see if they could advise you?
www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parent_helpline

I am more with Blu or knitnak
It is shocking your son has not been helped after you saw the GP.
This is a child, what is going wrong for him?

I often hear or read about a child psychologist Oliver James. Maybe you could also send him an email enquiry about what approach you should take, as the GP system has not helped. He might well answer

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Tue 12-Apr-16 14:01:55

Thank you - I will phone the parent helplines mentioned.

Is getting the school involved different from calling police/social services myself?

I will also go back to the GP.

The family therapy helped a little in identifying triggers but I could not afford to continue so we didn't get further than that. It was £140 a session. I am looking into cheaper options though.

KindDogsTail Tue 12-Apr-16 14:54:55

It was £140 a session.
That does seem extremely expensive.

It seems the health service is under strain and may not be functioning properly, but the GP/another GP should surely be helping and getting you free counselling or some other help.

I am not sure about school vs. the police personally as I have no direct experience. Perhaps another poster knows more. It would seem unlikely though that the school would involve the police when home is where he is being aggressive from what you say.

Was he always like this or has it started more recently? It must be very difficult and upsetting for you all.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday Tue 12-Apr-16 15:30:55

He has always been emotionally highly strung but the violence has been since he started secondary school. Verbal abuse started much earlier but has become a lot worse along with the violence.

knitknack Tue 12-Apr-16 18:58:25

School! The MARF is the correct way because it's a 'cry for help and support' rather than 'I need somebody arrested'... Ring the school tomorrow.

KindDogsTail Tue 12-Apr-16 19:19:52

I hope it works out ivegot.

LoubyLou145 Tue 12-Apr-16 19:25:21

What were the triggers?
My 10 yr old can be very violent, he has ASD and PDA (pathological demand avoidance). When he's anxious, it presents as anger and (if we don't help him to reduce the anxiety) violence. I'm not saying this is the case for your ds, but it might be worth looking at and looking at the strategies that help,
There's a book called The Explosive child which might help.
We haven't had to ring the police, but I know others who have, and it has helped because there is evidence that this is happening, which has helped to get some support.

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