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How do I resolve this?

(15 Posts)
chickensaresafehere Tue 05-Apr-16 08:18:03

Dd (16) has been going out with,let's call him 'Keith',for a couple of months now,in the early stages of the relationship everything seemed fine,he came to our house & was quiet but polite. I was aware that he was at a pupil referral unit due to behavioural problems & add but it did not concern me (I have a younger daughter with a disability).
A week or so ago,dd was upset saying Keith had finished with her,half an hour later he turns up at our house,knocks on the door & proceeds to verbally abuse,me,my dh & later my dd,he threatens my dh with violence & threatens to damage the house. I bundle everyone inside & try to talk him down,eventually I do,he apologises & goes on his way. I explain to dd that even though he has problems, I will not tolerate his behaviour in my home & he is not welcome here again.
She agrees,but the next day is off to see him again & they make up. I express my disappointment about this but say she is 16 & is able to make her own decisions about it.
Between that incident & the beginning of this week her behaviour & attitude has deteriorated,this came to a head & she left the house to meet Keith,then sent me a text to say she was staying at her Dads that night,that was Sunday & I have not heard from her since.
A bit of back story about her Father may be helpful too,he was emotionally,mentally & finally physically abusive to me during our short relationship,has never really shown a lot of interest in dad's life,but likes to appear to other people that he is. Nothing would please him more than to turn her against me.My dh went round to tell him about the incident with Keith & he made all the right noises & promised he would back us up,then gave her lifts to meet him. & told dd it was alright. He is very manipulative.
So as you can see I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have sent her a text this morning to say even though I am angry with her I love her & am worried about her.
Where do I go from here?

Lumpylumperson Tue 05-Apr-16 08:24:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lumpylumperson Tue 05-Apr-16 08:25:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HazyMazy Tue 05-Apr-16 08:38:16

Any chance she would go for some counseling. Speak to someone at school?

She seems to be choosing a waste of space demanding BF, does she see you caring for the disabled sibling and she then feels this is a good role (unconsciously) and takes on a difficult BF. Or is BF like her DF? But she thinks she can fix him.
Keep supporting her but try to make sure her school work doesn't suffer.

lljkk Tue 05-Apr-16 08:54:31

It sounds like you're dealing with it brilliantly, Chickens.
Couple texts a day in the same vein sound great.
Try to make your concerns about her protecting herself from abusive behaviour from anyone, and not about Keith per se.
What schooling is your DD currently in, will she have to come home to get her bags or clothes or something?

chickensaresafehere Tue 05-Apr-16 10:04:00

Thanks for the replies.Am just taking younger dd to holiday club will reply later

Alvah Tue 05-Apr-16 11:48:59

I agree with advice in previous replies, but also I would be aware of the effect criticising her BF may have on her - as in making her jump to his defense and blinding her to his faults.

It sounds like you dealt with the abusive visit incident brilliantly! Which would have set a good example for your daughter.

It's a very tricky situation. Considering her age, the amount of control you can enforce is somewhat limited, as she has demonstrated by leaving.

Follow your gut instinct in what would work with your daughter. I would try and open communications with her by urging her to make some kind of contact so you know she is okay. I would lay down any quarrels you may have had with her, and just focus on reconnecting with her. I know it goes against the grain, but try not to tell her to stay away from BF, as chances are she will soon discover his abusive side personally, and it will be so much easier for her to turn to you if you remain neutral (at least on the outside).

Good luck flowers

Alvah Tue 05-Apr-16 12:00:13

Sorry OP, just re-read your post and saw that you have expressed to DD that it is her own choice. This I think will shorten the relationship, as she will have to work out for herself what is good for her and not. A valuable life lessons, which with your support, she will learn from.

I really hope she makes contact with you soon. It must be a very, very stressful situation for you.

chickensaresafehere Tue 05-Apr-16 12:35:02

We have been in contact briefly,by text,earlier. She has stayed at Keith's for the last two nights,as apparently her Dad didn't want her at his house.
With his known manipulation of situations it's difficult to know where he's coming from & I struggle to speak to him due to our past relationship. I have told her that I want her to come home & that we need to sit down & have a chat about it all. I am in total agreement about not bad mouthing Keith,as that will drive her away.,although I want her to be aware that theirs is not a healthy relationship.
I think she is quite besotted with his bad boy image & feels she can 'change' him ( been there myself!!!). I think that's something she needs to learn for herself though,obviously with our support.
It is hard to keep the lines of communication open with her as she is very fiery & volatile herself (not a good combo with Keith) & often flies off the handle & won't continue the conversation.But I will try my best. smile

lljkk Tue 05-Apr-16 14:02:37

Do they have good birth control?
Sorry, I guess that would be my next worry. Want a good break when the time comes.

chickensaresafehere Tue 05-Apr-16 14:20:53

Yes lljkk that's covered.

Namechangeofshame193 Tue 05-Apr-16 16:19:02

I'm in the same boat as you. DD has her own difficulties and sees camhs but was fairly compliant at home. Her boyfriend threatened to kill her and burn my house down, needless to say he's not welcome here anymore. She has hated me ever since, I think in these relationships there is way more to it than we see. It's a cycle of abuse he, no doubts abuses her, makes her feel shit about herself and she bows down to him then comes home and takes it out on me and starts arguments and is vile to me! I think when they have a boyfriend like they both do even if they wanted to leave it's harder for them to , they worry about what they might do/say.

Peebles1 Tue 05-Apr-16 20:58:18

Hang in there chicken and keep the lines of communication open with your DD whatever you do. My DD (18)'s bf is bad news in every way. He's not allowed in the house, but we try not to bad mouth him and accept its her choice. She's been with him seven months now. She spends a lot of time at his, but plenty at home too. She's finished with him 3 times, and gone back each time. But she comes home to us for comfort every time they split or things get bad and our relationship remains good, on the whole.

I did show her some stuff on the internet about teenage abusive relationships, and she read it very carefully and screen shotted it, so I think she took it in.

It's horrible and I feel so sad sometimes that she's with him, but I'm just hoping it'll end eventually. I really hope your DD sees the light soon, you sound like you're doing a great job.

Alvah Wed 06-Apr-16 11:15:02

Chickens - I just want to say I think you are doing everything you can. You sound like a wonderful mum. Chin up and hopefully things will resolve sooner rather than later flowers

chickensaresafehere Wed 06-Apr-16 12:40:25

Thanks to you all for your replies.
We had a chat last night after she had returned home. She was still angry (not at anything in particular,just angry in general),but I managed to open up a decent conversation,about how I loved her & was worried about her & how difficult it was for me,as her Mum,to let her be independent (I didn't mention Keith)
She seems to direct some of her anger at her step dad (my dh),he has been in her life since she was 4 & they usually have a good relationship,but I know she feels let down & angry with her bio Dad,so uses dh as a target for her paternal rage,if that makes sense,but it does cause tension in the house along with everything else hmm
Sorry to hear some of you are in the same boat & it's reassuring to hear that others are going through the same thing & what you are doing about it.
The difficulty,I think,is keeping the lines of communication open but not letting them get away with too much,as that often leads to arguments.

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