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Teenage Daughter has no friends

(33 Posts)
jo9832 Sun 03-Apr-16 00:06:11

Hi just looking for some advice about my 15 year old daughter. She is good girl (well most of the time a bit gobby occasionally! ) getting good grades and helps around the house but never and i mean never socialises. She has one friend a lad she has known all her life and they walk to school together and she has people to sit with at lunch time. She had a "friend" for years but was replaced when a new girl arrived. I will never forget walking through our town centre and the "friend" and this new girl walked past us. My daughter collapsed crying into me as the friend hadnt mentioned anything. Things fizzled out and eventually my daughter told the girl she should just move on as they had obviously grown apart. Since then (over 6 months) she stays in or takes her nana into town in her wheel chair. Am i mad wanting her to be out and coming back late for tea etc like teenagers are suppose to do ? She is in year 10 so has another year left and has already told me she is not going to the prom as she has no one to go with. I have encouraged her to talk to new people or invite people over and she just says no. I also notice that no one ever likes any of her posts on facebook. I feel really sad for her.

Nashelle Sun 03-Apr-16 00:20:27

I can understand how you feel one of my boys had hearing problems and didn't have a good start as far as friends were concerned and there was a patch in my teenage years when I was between friends. It's hard for a mother to see her child alone but try not to make an issue out of it as that could cause her to feel panicky and could lead to bad friend choices. Waiting for the right friends is better than grabbing at the wrong ones. Even as an adult I have to tell myself that.

Maybe encourage her to develop interests that will lead her to mix with similarly minded people. Encourage her to be her own person and that will make her stronger and able to make better life choices.

It will all even itself out even though at the moment this phase seems like it will last forever. It's great that she spends time with her grandmother, that shows she is caring. The school years can be difficult but everything is subject to change so sobwill this. Keep positive. smile

BackforGood Sun 03-Apr-16 00:20:28

I have teen dds. Neither of them tend to 'invite people over'.
They mix with people who also go to the things they go to - their hobbies.

what does your dd do when not at school or with her Nana?
What does she go to / belong to?
What does she like?
Why did your dd 'collapse, crying' on seeing a friend happening to walk through town with another friend ?? confused Has she always had emotional issues ?

jo9832 Sun 03-Apr-16 09:24:41

Thank you for your replies. My daughter is also a muscian and goes to msic centre on a Saturday again she has people from other schools to talk to but not outside of this. She does library shifts at school and any other free time is spent revising , watching tv or going to zumba with me. She was very upset in town as she had asked the friend numerous times to go out and she made excuses. Seeing the friend out hurt her as she knew then the friend didnt want her . There was other things as well for example walking to school together and once there the girl would ignore her all day walk passed in her in the dining room or making arrangements to walk home and then my daughter stood outside at the end of the day waiting and she didnt show up. Since then she has just stayed with us her family . She had some issues about her weight and appearance and that is something i am trying to help her with. I just want her to be happy and i suppose not end up like myself i have people around me but no friends as such . I guess i will just have to let things roll and see what happens. Thanks for your comments

sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 03-Apr-16 09:41:43

I think most girls are already paired up as such - so finding a new friend isn't so easy -
That said we rarely went out as young teens and only started this staying out late etc when we hit college -

She'll find college students far more open to larger friendship groups and less of a clique -

DD is 13 she does go out but she does a lot of the arranging - she is also quite "go get" type child who enjoys seeking out new challenges and is confident - does your daughter lack confidence to invite others?

Is there a youth centre or arts centre she could join?

How are her social skills? Is she interested in other people?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Sun 03-Apr-16 09:58:37

Bless her! Please tell her that I was her. As a teenager I had barely anyone and the one friend I did have was always trading me in for another!

My mum always gave me the same advice as a PP: be strong and independent and wait for the right friends to come along. She was right. I left school. I travelled and developed hobbies and now I have lots of friends who I can be myself with and who share the same interests as me.

The school environment is not the kindest and you are thrown together with people that you often have nothing in common with. But it doesn't last forever and in the meantime your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mum.

BackforGood Sun 03-Apr-16 12:48:56

I think most girls are already paired up as such

I don't agree with this. Certainly not my dds' experiences either. Both have drifted away from girls they were friendly with at 11, and become close to new friends during secondary.

That said we rarely went out as young teens and only started this staying out late etc when we hit college

I do agree with this though - which is why I asked about what things she does outside of school. All my teens social lives have been at things they go to, not meeting up with each other outside of those things, until they get into the 6th form really (the odd birthday celebration aside).

now I have lots of friends who I can be myself with and who share the same interests as me

This is key. If she takes part in something she will enjoy, then the friends side develops naturally over a shared interest. That's very different from thinking 'I'm going to make a new friend today'. So the music centre would be a more likely place to find a joint interest with people than school, where everyone is just put together regardless. Maybe there is a fitness thing she could go to with others her age? Street dance or something perhaps, if she likes zumba?

CodyKing Sun 03-Apr-16 12:51:52

*I think most girls are already paired up as such*

I don't agree with this. Certainly not my dds' experiences either. Both have drifted away from girls they were friendly with at 11, and become close to new friends during secondary

Agree but DD is 15 - friendship groups aren't as fluid as when 11

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sun 03-Apr-16 12:58:28

My 15yo dd is the same. Fell out with her friends in year 8 (dd was bullied by the leader of the group) and hasn't had any friends since then. Nobody rings, she doesn't meet up with anyone, doesn't go out.

She goes to a non school club on a Saturday and gets on with girls there but doesn't seem to have made any friends.

Th only people she is friendly with are her "internet friends" some girls her age who she plays the same online game with. She's chatting to them now via Skype. So at least I feel she is socialising a bit.

Peebles1 Sun 03-Apr-16 15:59:09

Things do change OP. I had two periods of time in my teens when I had few if any friends. One in Year 7 and one in year 10. My lovely home life was my salvation. I honestly coped fine with it, because I came home every night to my nice parents and siblings. So your DD is so lucky to have you and her grandma, and you probably don't realise how much you are helping.

I just made friends by accident really. You only need one to make such a difference. Often it's just who you get put next to in class. I bet there's one or two in her class in the same boat. If she spots them she could maybe make friendly overtures? They'll be just as keen to have a friend, so should respond.

My DD was in form with one of her current friends for a whole year and they never bothered with each other. Somehow they engaged this summer and are really good friends now. Friends just appear from nowhere a lot of the time!

Hope things improve for her soon.

BackforGood Sun 03-Apr-16 16:12:58

Cody - my dds are 14 and 17 though. During this year, both have become quite close with people I'd not heard mentioned before. My older one in particular became friends with different people at 14 /15 as all the classes / groups / timetables get moved around after GCSE option. I think it's quite a common time to move some friendship groups. smile

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sun 03-Apr-16 16:21:07

I can remember telling dd last year that things would be better in year ten due to moving about groups for gcse options but it doesn't seem to have happened. Now I'm telling her it will be better in sixth form!

jo9832 Sun 03-Apr-16 23:22:33

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. I am just going to carry on being here for her and hopefully things will pan out better. I am sorry tohear who thefuckissimon that your daughter was bullied thats awful

Momofonedd Sun 03-Apr-16 23:35:05

I feel in exactly the same position.. Dd is in year 10 too.. Yr 9 was awful, fell out of friendship with her bf and hasn't gained a new closeness with anyone. She has friends in school but no one who she seems to connect properly with.. She is now going out with her best male friend since year 7 and is much happier, but I do worry about the lack of female friends.. I try to encourage meeting up as much as possible but have realised there's only so much you can do. She's happy spending time with him and talking to her friends on snapchat etc. It seems to upset me more than her

choirmumoftwo Sun 03-Apr-16 23:44:35

I have a similar problem with my DS16 who I've posted about before. He is involved in lots of activities but doesn't seem to have a 'best friend' or mix with people outside of his activities. It really bothers him and he's become quite low in mood - he's waiting for an appointment with CAMHS to hopefully help him cope. We just make sure we're available when he needs us for support, but also encourage him to keep interacting with his peers. It's hard to see your children struggle flowers

sandgrown Sun 03-Apr-16 23:57:21

We have just had this conversation about DS (13) today. He has friends at school but does not meet anybody out of school. He had weight/confidence problems which are slowly being resolved but I suspect he was bullied by some of his "friends" I am encouraging him to join outside activities in the hope he will.make new friends. It is awful and you feel so sad for them

JustDanceAddict Mon 04-Apr-16 00:03:31

DD is in year 9 (age 13 still) and she's really upset tonight as she has (finally) realised that she doesn't really have close friends. She has never had loads of friends, but in primary had 'enough' to get by, plus the mums still made most of the arrangements (kids not having phones until end of year 6) so it wasn't that obvious. Her so-called bestie was also a bit of a bully so they didn't stay in touch really.
Started off OK in secondary, but things are on the turn now due to various fallings in & out over the last year or so, and 'takings away' and she said she really only has one proper close friend who is properly loyal to her (but also friends with the ones that DD says don't like her). She says people don't like her, and when I asked who she named a couple of girls who she's never been close with anyway (but goes to lunch with the group they're in). She does one out of school club, but is getting to the upper age of this now (has friends there, but has never seen them away from the club) so will be finishing soon. I have suggested joining another youth club, going to lunchtime clubs (boring), trying to cultivate fledgling friendships and even moving school (bit drastic, but I would consider it. She doesn't want to anyway so that's a moot point), but she has poo-pooed my suggestions, or says 'maybe', and doesn't follow through.
As her mum, obviously I can see that she is a lovely girl, has a good sense of humour (and fun), is kind and loyal, but she is also reserved and not that 'girly' I suppose (not into all the hugs, etc.). She used to play with boys in the infants in partiucular and just finds it hard to navigate the girls' world and hasn't got that magnetic personality. Her younger brother, conversely, has loads of friends and seems to have that X-factor that some kids have so that rubs her face in it a bit too.
I am hoping that it will change next year for GSCE as they do split the year differently and she will be with people she hasn't known before. if not, then there is sixth form and she will prob change school then if things haven't improved - there are a few options.
I also tell DD that she isn't the only one, that loads of kids feel like she does, but I suppose it's not much comfort!!
I wish I knew the answer too.

CodyKing Mon 04-Apr-16 09:00:09

Ive never gone down the best friends route with my children - It seems to cause so many issues when it's just a label for one person - there's an expectation. Kids need friends but not best friends.

Ask your DD to talk to one new person each week - just a conversation in the dinner line - to open her eyes and look to see if there's others in the same situation -

Maybe contact school to see if they could do a social club dressed up as something fun -

Lenmum Tue 05-Apr-16 11:37:45

I know how you feel my daughter sounds like yours justdanceAddict she fell out with friends at primary but then her social life picked up in year 7 but now in year 8 her friendships have changed again but what breaks my heart one of the girls that is leaving my daughter out is my cousins daughter who she used to be close to and her mother my cousin who I have helped ou no end of times in the past will not do anything to help. I don't expect her to force her daughter to get involved with my daughter but she mentioned the other day that she was taking her kids to the seaside for the day and my daughter commented that she would like to go so I asked could she go with them and her reply was no as her daughter was already bringing a friend. What was upsetting was that the girl she was taking used to be my daughters best friend and my cousins daughter didn't use to like her and although this girl is no longer my daughters best friend they are still friends so I couldn't understand why my daughter couldn't join them but I decided not to push it and moved on from the subject but I think it is rejection like this that is putting my daughter off from trying to make arrangements with friends so all she does is sit around at home playing on her iPad.

JustDanceAddict Tue 05-Apr-16 14:47:01

Lenmum I feel bad for your daughter. Funnily enough DD goes to school with her first cousin, who never used to have many friends, but she has now gone the other way and has got in with a bit of a rebellious crowd. DD and her get on very well, but we have us trying to get DD to be more sociable, and BIL trying to get his DD to calm down! Would like a happy medium for both girls as they are both lovely in their own ways. We are united in making sure they see each other out of school regularly though.

Lenmum Tue 05-Apr-16 16:00:57

Justdanceaddict that's good that your daughter has her cousin and I wish my daughter had someone similar but unfortunately my cousin has the attitude that as long as I'm alright I don't care (but it would be different if things where the othe way round ) but that's a different story. My daughter never complaines about not having anyone to hangout with but I don't know whether it's just because she doesn't want us to worry as she never shows her feelings she is an only child as well so has no siblings to do things with either. I'm just hoping things will change again in year 9

jo9832 Tue 05-Apr-16 23:01:53

Today she has cried! She went into school for a revision class and was talking to another girl about zumba she casually said to her its a laugh you should try it out the girl said no so my dd then said boogie bounce is also suppose to be good and the girl said to her look i am not interested in going with you! She came home and said "what happened mum i had loads of friends when i started high school and now i haven't got anyone"!! To say i am upset too is an understatement!

JustDanceAddict Wed 06-Apr-16 16:01:12

Oh no, jo9832 It's awful to get rejected like that. the other girl was obviously trying to let her down gently at first, but then thought she might as well be honest! I was very upset the other night myself, so I know how you feel. I barely slept, and was completely shattered last night. I wish I knew what the answer was as to how to make friends as a teen, DD wants to know, but I don't know as I make friends pretty easily and if I can see someone isn't that interested I don't persue it really, but I'm not that bothered as I have enough friends to cope with the odd 'rejection' (even though I may be offended).
All I can say is, it's best to try different avenues: clubs & activities out of or in school. I wouldn't say Zumba was a place to start though, as it's just exercise. Something like art club where you sit and draw and chat may be better?

Trying2bgd Sun 19-Jun-16 16:49:12

I know this thread is old but would love an update on how things are going. My dd1 has discovered in year 8 that bar 1 or 2, a lot of her friends are fairweathered and mean. Its quite heartbreaking. I'm hoping that next year with a change of classes, things will improve. I'm also trying to nudge her gently to try and follow her own interests and hobbies which will hopefully mean meeting like minded people. She's very resilient and puts a brave face on it. But it's tough. Part of me wishes you could get all these kids onto a thread so they could support each other.

Trying2bgd Mon 20-Jun-16 15:31:30

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