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am I expecting too much?

(56 Posts)
noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 10:54:35

Dd is 17 nearly 18.

She does nothing around the house - to be fair, it's only recently that I've realised none of the kids know how the washing machine works, how to cook much more than toast etc. They all do stuff like washing in washing bins, wipe up spills, take plates through.

Dd has a history of mental health issues.Camhs have been utterly useless - an assessment followed by no contact whatsoever and I am in the complaints stages so would prefer to avoid anything on that.

Dd is now tired all the time. She has been advised to go back to the gp in a month after taking some vitamins and gentle exercise. We are on day ten and so far she has been 'too tired' to exercise. She pretty much stays in bed all day, emerging for meals. She varies between rude, snappy, tearful and moments of cheer.

I am losing patience. I feel she should get up and try. Her room is beyond revolting. She has done no work for imminent a levels. Her school refuse to return calls or emails (I suspect as she is over 16) and instead approach her.

I have tried conversations and we agree a plan that doesn't happen. We have tried agreeing small steps.

I am thinking of ringing the GP myself to run through my concerns.

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 11:18:23

Anyone?

candykane25 Sat 02-Apr-16 11:21:13

It's good that she's eating meals.

Is it depression? Anxiety?

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 11:24:43

Both, candy. But the GP can really only do tablets (not something they it j want at this stage) or suggest self help which she just isn't doing.

cosytoaster Sat 02-Apr-16 11:30:16

Sorry no advice but my 17 year old DS is exactly the same except that he doesn't have MH issues and has already been kicked out of sixth form. I know if he got up and did more he wouldn't be as tired.
In your situation I think a call to your GP would be a good idea.

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 11:34:59

Could you help her sort/declutter her room. If it's a real state, it must feel overwhelming

Can you walk together each evening?

What is she doing with her time?

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 11:35:32

God cosy, that's what I dread. She was so clever and popular and is now so empty.

Do you get cross? Set any boundaries or rules?

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 11:37:04

Spand, I've done that so many times. We've had her sitting on the bed while I literally went through every item and filled three bin bags.

I go in and clear glasses and plates and sweet wrappers but there's no point tidying up, it lasts a day.

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 11:37:47

She's either asleep (have found her asleep) or on social media.

Blood tests fine btw

Dreamgirls234 Sat 02-Apr-16 11:44:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

candykane25 Sat 02-Apr-16 11:44:24

I don't have a teenager but I remember being overwhelmed at that age.
I think the suggestion of helping her tidy and organise her room is a very good suggestion.

cosytoaster Sat 02-Apr-16 11:53:26

I veer between rage and despair noeuf, he's a bright boy and it seems such a waste. I have tried not to be permanently nagging as I don't want to totally destroy our relationship. It's hard to set boundaries/rules when he just doesn't care about the consequences- eg turning wifi off would bother me more than him. This week he has said he'll look into going into FE next year to do a more vocational course so that is maybe a pinprick of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I think a baby steps approach is maybe the best way forward.

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 11:55:42

It's so stressful.
Have you tried making a life plan with him - you know where does he want to be as an adult and how to get there? I need dd to know that she can't just stay in bed all day - she'll be forty before she knows it!

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 12:03:29

I would turn the wifi off. Until she feels stronger in herself, she really shouldn't be on social media. She's too vulnerable.

Maybe you could agree to let having an hour a day after exercising and if her room is tidy.

Helping her establish healthy routines is important. Even though she doesn't feel like getting up or tidying, she needs to try as they will help.

Excercise outsidecan really help with endorphins. Do you exercise op? Can you excerxise with DD

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 12:08:41

Hi yes, until recently I was running twice a week. She's been told only a walk or something not serious exercise. I've offered to do this but she won't.

(Stopped running after being ill, will start soon)

It's so hard, I feel like I've got an excuse for all the good suggestions.

I do wonder if a low dose of anti depressant might help? But then she might put weight on , which would make her feel worse.

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 12:09:53

I totally agree about healthy routines btw. I just end up standing outside the door saying 'get up, we agreed you'd get up, come on, you'll feel better'

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 12:23:45

Has she got any trusty friends

candykane25 Sat 02-Apr-16 12:27:16

Do you have a dog? Walking a dog is lovely exercise. Bit random, but thought I'd say it in case it helps. Could you dogs it a dog if not?

TranquilityofSolitude Sat 02-Apr-16 12:38:03

My DD has had some similar issues. One thing I would recommend is looking at her iron levels - my DD's were extremely low and once she started taking iron tablets there was a massive improvement in her energy levels and general resilience.

Something I would add is that my DD recently turned 18 and this has made getting help much, much easier. It seems the GP can help much more and some private therapies are also available to us now that were not while she was technically a child.

When things were at their worst we got into a habit of having a short walk together every day. Sometimes we just walked in silence but other times it was a chance for her to chat to me. Fresh air definitely helped, and could give her a bit of an appetite, which was a positive.

I hope things get better for you soon.

TranquilityofSolitude Sat 02-Apr-16 12:39:42

Sorry, I just saw you'd had a blood test and it was fine, so maybe not anaemia then.

Spandexpants007 Sat 02-Apr-16 13:00:34

Is she an animal lover?

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 13:07:41

She is on iron - I meant other things o guess had been ruled out.

Dog is a good idea and our neighbour has one we could borrow!

Friends are good but fun, not sure how much they could be expected to provide support

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 13:08:34

She will talk to me in the right time but it's all a bit circular. Glad to hear it's easier after 18 - I was worried that once camhs wasn't an option we'd be lost!

Kennington Sat 02-Apr-16 13:12:56

Switch off the wifi so she cannot spend all day in bed looking at how wonderful everyone else's life is.
It is a horrible vicious circle admittedly and I have seen this happen a few times.
I would also stop pocket money and insist on a bit of volunteering to see how hard things are for others.
This might not be the best approach but it is worth a try while you wait for the school and GP to get involved.
Good luck - I really feel for your daughter. Poor thing prob doesn't know which way to turn.

noeuf Sat 02-Apr-16 13:19:12

Thanks Kennington.
I'm going to read back and pick out some ideas to try. I feel sorry for her too.

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