14 year old, dont know what to do anymore

[Teenmumhelp]

Please help me understand this, I have a 14 yr old ds who is tearing me apart. He is rude, selfish,disrespectful and I cannot get through to him. He hates me. he can only ever see the bad in everything i do & says i do nothing but shout at him. He forgets about everything else i do for him & just picks out anything bad. He did not come home from school on Thursday & has been staying at his Dads since then. I've been to talk to him today & got absolutely nowhere. Now i'm at home in tears again. He cant see that he ever does anything wrong. All I want is some respect & for him to behave as a decent human being. Is this too much to ask?

[Teenmumhelp]

Anyone? My older DS has ASD so no experience of this before

[endofmytethertake100]

I have no wisdom but I sympathise my DD is 14 nearly 15 and our relationship is the worst it's ever been. At times I feel like I hate her , which is an awful thing to say but she is so consistently unpleasant I feel she gets satisfaction out of upsetting me. She has been at various friends since Thursday came home today and had sworn at me within 5 minutes ( I asked for my hair straighteners nicely!!). This ended up in a few hours of arguing and threats to run away the only reason she didn't is as I said if she did she could leave her phone behind( I pay it and horrific phone bills). She looks at me with such hatred even if I ask how she is or say hello. She asked if she could go into foster care today- my crime telling her I wouldn't be funding her social life if she didn't stop being so abusive. It's shit isn't it!

[leamarie2013]

I am in EXACTLY the same place! It's breaking my heart because I know he's such a good kid underneath! I cry every day because I don't know what to do! I'm sorry this isn't advice...but ur not alone x

[MajesticWhine]

The book that I often see recommended on here https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1781253315/ref=cmswrawdq2p-wb1265PGT?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 Get out of My Life: The bestselling guide to living with teenagers actually explains and normalises a lot of horrible teenage behaviour, so it really does help you to understand. In essence, teenagers need to turn away from their parents in order to successfully separate and become independent. This process has become more extreme and conflictual for various societal reasons that are explained more in the book, but basically we are more child centred now and so teenagers feel more entitled. There are no easy answers (yet - I am still reading it) but it is very reassuring to read this book and see my kids as normal and that I am not doing everything wrong. The book deals with some of the differences between boys and girls too. Our children are being vile as a necessary part of their development, and we as parents just have to keep doing our best, have good boundaries about what behaviour is acceptable and keep offering love. And it will get better.

[CalicoBlue]

I had this with my now 18 year old DS.

He was is foul. He went off for three weeks to his fathers, stating that I was horrid and an awful mother who did not care about him. I let him get on with it for three weeks, then went and got him back. I told him that he did not have a choice and was coming home, I think he was glad to be told and came happily. I also think his Dad had enough too.

He is still a pain and sabotaging his studies, but it does get a bit better at times. You just need to remember as pp said, it is a stage that they can not control and neither can we. He regularly 'leaves home' now, and is usually back the next day.

Just stay close and be there for him when he does need you.

[leamarie2013]

That is the worst part! How I do nothing for him, I don't care, I do nothing for him! Yet his dad who lives 200 miles away, and is lucky if he sees him twice a year, well the sun shines out of that arseholes...well...arsehole! Lol!

[3littlefrogs]

Could he just stay with his dad for a while?

It might actually be a good thing in the long run.

Will his dad take responsibility?

I have a friend who eventually sent her very rebellious DS to stay with his dad in another country. It turned out to be a good decision and worked out well in the end.
I guess it all depends on whether your Ex can be a good parent.

[leamarie2013]

That's where mine is at the minute, he's gone for the 2 weeks Easter holiday! If he didn't live so far I would make him stay there for a while! although I think the only reason he listens to his dad at all, is the fact he only sees him once or twice a year, I suspect tho he would be very different if he saw him more often!

[JeanPadget]

Many of them are vile.

My DD once stood in the kitchen doorway, holding a tray of food that I had just cooked, and told me that I did nothing for her irony fail

Read Get Out of My Life and try to stay calm, but it's difficult, I know.

[ImperialBlether]

I know it's hard, but thank god he can go to his dad's. Imagine if you two were still together and there was nowhere to send him. Make the most of him being away and make sure you have a good time. He'll soon be pissing off his dad and vice versa, so enjoy this time while you can.

[PurpleOneWithTheNutIn]

I have been a member of this site for a while now and mostly lurk but I had to post on this one to say hang in there! I have a 15 year old ds who is slowly coming out of the same behaviour as yours. Stropping, answering back, the look of death, not doing anything I ask/tell him to do, generally being an arse. It was fucking awful but he has got a lot better recently, probably nothing to do with me and more to do with him maturing and becoming human again
Get as much support from people outside your family as you can. I was able to call on my parents to have words with him and back me up which was a lifesaver at times. Thinking of times I wanted to physically hurt him or call the police (really awful but thankfully all turned out ok with no police involvement of me being sectioned). School has been OK with support but not consistent. It felt like forever at the time but looking back, I think we're getting through it for now.
I think some teenagers have to go through this awfulness before their brain develops properly and sometimes it's worse for the parent! Def worse with oldest as it hits you like a sledgehammer! Second ds I seem more prepared and they have totally different personalities anyway. However I may well post in the future while tearing my (greying) hair out...

[endofmytethertake100]

Mine doesn't see her dad so no peace if she did I can guarantee she'd be there now! DD left at 11 this morning with the promise that she'd let me know by 3 if she was coming home tonight or staying at a friends. Her phones been going straight to answer phone since 1 so battery dead and me sitting here like a lemon waiting around to hope she gets in touch. I've been invited out, DD has forgotten her key so I suspect I'll sit around all evening! She forgets I have a life .

[OneMagnumisneverenough]

Mine are generally pretty good. DS2 can be inclined to be rude from time to time. I have refrained from shouting but did lay it straight on the line that speaking to someone the way he does when that person does as many things for him as I do, just make him look like an arsehole. If that's what he wants people to think of him then he can crack on. It won't stop me doing nice things for him as that's the kind of person I am, and I won't shout at him, but at the end of the day people will see his behaviour and think he is an arsehole so it's up to him if he is happy to be thought of that way. It seems to work for us.