Health hazard bedroom - advice please.

[Vobble]

I have a problem with my dd20. Her room is an utter midden and has been for years. We have had this argument for years and years about keeping it hygienic (not tidy).

She chooses not to have friends over rather than tidy it/keep it clean. It's the main cause of unhappiness in our house, her door is hanging off because she has a monumental pile of washing behind it. She lies in bed and throws whatever rubbish she has at the side. Her bin never gets emptied, she just piles things beside it, used wipes, dirty underwear, old receipts, empty wrappers.

Telling her not to eat upstairs doesn't work, she just ignores me. Charging her extra board doesn't work, she doesn't pay. Changing wifi password doesn't work, she uses her unlimited data.

Her room stinks (she can't smell it). Our house smells upstairs. You can't get moved in there, her bed hasn't been changed this year or the carpet hoovered since about August last year. Her bin hasn't been emptied either and under her covers, there's sweet wrappers and melted sweets, McDonald's wrappers, hairbrushes etc. She sort of tidies when we have an almighty blow up about it but within days it's back to what it was (but never cleaned) We have had it redecorated to encourage her to keep it nicely but it didn't work.

Surely I'm entitled to have the house I pay for, work all hours to pay for, hygienic? And without a door hanging off? When challenged about it, all she says is that we treat her like a child (we don't) because we nag about the room. We should just leave her alone to live how she wants with her room in whatever state she sees fit.

She has us over a barrel because she says that if we increase her (nominal) board she will move out. I know if she does, she'd never bother with us again. She also says if we increase her board then she will leave her placement (which she needs to get into uni). Obviously I'm not going to do this because it's petty but she really can't make the link between making her room hygienic and arguments ceasing. I'm at the end of my tether and our other children are embarrassed to have friends over because of the smell.

[Pandora987]

Wow, I think I would give her ultimatum like - you have until next week to tidy it and clean it - and then go in with a bin liner and chuck out everything that's not put away! Including if necessary clothes, phones, valuables whatever... Tell her that's what happens say every Sunday night...
On the other hand at 20 she should be acting like an adult sharing a house. Tell her basic house rules, and if she doesn't comply ask her to leave like you would any house share person. She's behaving like a child - if she was sharing a house with others who weren't her family they wouldn't put up with it.

[Clare1971]

Second the ultimatum. I definitely wouldn't up the board money or she'll start to think of you as a paid cleaner! We've just done the ultimatum thing with two of ours (DS21 and DD17) Both had got a bit overwhelmed I think and TBH they just had too much stuff and not enough places to put things. We said either they did it or we would come in with black bin liners. We gave them a one week deadline. I did offer to help though and they both took me up on it. We chucked a lot and have tried to organise storage a bit. Don't know how long it will last. I do usually take the approach of their rooms, their choice, but both rooms suffer a bit from mould in the winter if stuff is left on the floor and piled up against walls and DH isn't really prepared to have mould growing in the house. (I'm as crap as the kids and would probably leave it - they get their habits from me). If you're not prepared to ask her to leave (which I totally get) I think you have two choices, either leave it up to her and stop moaning or give a weeks notice and do it yourself. Nagging doesn't work. Chucking out half her stuff might.

[InternationalHouseofToast]

She has us over a barrel because she says that if we increase her (nominal) board she will move out. I know if she does, she'd never bother with us again.

Really? Or just for a few years until she's been kicked out of a bedsit for not keeping it hygenic?

I'd call her bluff on this. She keeps it hygenic or she leaves and gets her own place and pays her own less nominal rent. Tell her that she has a week to get it back to hygenic, and you will help her with that if she asks for help, but she will be leaving if that's not done by Friday of next week.

[specialsubject]

how filthy.

start throwing or selling her possessions. Tell her you are doing that because you are fed up being blackmailed. She IS behaving like a child.

leave her with minimum clothing. BTW is there such a thing as a mobile phone signal blocker or did I dream it?

she won't believe you, but in the real world everyone hates a skank and they won't put up with it. So time for training.

if no better; let her leave. I cannot imagine what would make someone treat their parents like she treats you.

[VagueIdeas]

Does she have MH issues? It sounds very extreme, choosing to live in filth like that.

[Out2pasture]

Does she have SN or mental health issues? In my experience this degree of mess is extremely unusual in 20yr olds.

[Vobble]

She has neither mh or sn issues. She is exceptionally lazy.

I don't clean for her at all, please don't think I'm soft! This has been an ongoing issue for years, she says she hates tidying and cba with it and we should leave her alone to live in her room how she wants. She doesn't mess up the rest of the house (mmm that's debatable, she is very bad at putting things away when she's used them or leaving things how she found them) so we should leave her be.

I would doubt she can even find/remember any of her xmas presents. Over the years we've bought her stuff that she hasn't respected, when anything has been damaged we have made her replace it (eg broken iPad) we even moved to an allowance when she was younger so that she was buying her own stuff, even when she got work she didn't respect the stuff she bought herself.

I'm struggling. Really struggling. It's the only issue we have these days otherwise she is hard working, polite (outside the house!), doesn't drink much, do drugs, mug old ladies etc. She's just exceptionally disorganised, doesn't care about it, isn't interested in compromising about it (I'm not asking for it to be immaculate) and lazy. Which is a shame.

[Ticktacktock]

Mine is like this at 16. Yesterday I went in there to vacuum and it pissed me off so much I left a note saying if it wasn't tidied by today it was all going in the bin. She did it, well more or less. She collected the washing off the floor and dumped it in the laundry, but half of it was clean.

I think an ultimatum is required and think she needs to join the real world. She might live in chaos on her own but you are doing her no favours. Her peers (or her landlord )will sort her out if she has a place of her own.

I also think she will be a better person for it. Let her go and do it and just be there for her

[Peebles1]

Vobble you are not soft at all, I'd have cracked by now and cleaned it! That's not the right thing to do though, you're doing great.

If she's pretty good/compliant otherwise, could you appeal to her better nature? Have a calm chat along the lines of: I know the cleaning isn't important to you, but it really is to me and gets me down etc etc. Think of an example of something that's important to her as an example. Then say, as a compromise, what if you tidy and clean it together once a week/fortnight/month - whatever's realistic? Just an idea. I have a nightmare DD so no expert!!

[Out2pasture]

OP I thought of your post when the other day someone on FB made the following suggestion;

put all of the teenagers belongings into plastic trash bags and sell them back to them one bag at a time. the bags are packed randomly so they possibly could buy back a bag with garbage :)

positive thoughts as you get through this stage.