Non communicative, obsessive, grumpy teenage dd2

[feudebois]

I think I had it easy with dd1 - she was relatively easy, always chatted to me and told me if she had a worry or a problem.

dd2 on the surface seemed even sunnier. But over the last few months (shes 13) she's become really hard work. She's decided she wants to go back to ballet and dance classes despite giving them up a few years ago. She has a scholarship to her current school - this involved her music (she used to play the violin) and her sport (she was an excellent swimmer and runner).

Sadly she gave up the violin a year ago. She didn't like the teacher and was doing lots of other things so I let it go. She's very musical but didn't want the hassle of learning something else so that was that. She has a keyboard which she used to noodle around on learning things but she's stopped that now. The school didn't seem too bothered but told me what a shame it was.

Now she is obsessed with being a dancer. I gave in and sent her back to two lessons a week (out of school, extra cost). She is in the grade 4 ballet class but won't be taking the exam as she's missed so much. Teacher seems happy to let her join in as shes so keen. Now she wants an extra lesson on a different night. She's stopped swimming and running and refuses to go back to training. I have said no to the extra lesson, its a pain to get to and clashes with something that dd3 does and loves. So now she is crying, not talking to me and basically sulking. She's been like this now for 3 weeks. She was in a swimming gala last week and won her race and did so well, when I tried to congratulate her she pushed me away and said I hate swimming I basically hate everything you like. I want to dance because you don't do it and you won't let me, you make me do everything you want. Since then she's not spoken to me at all aprt from asking where things are. I don;t really know how to handle it.

I'm not sure if I should give in over the extra lesson and let her persue her dream, or whether I am being manipulated by her. She is the only child who has paid for activities out of school as dd1 and dd2 are at private school which is very sporty and does lots of activities. It actually does dancing too but she won't join in at school. dd3 does one paid for activity out of school but she is at state primary so doesn't have a lot of options in school.

Its making me really sad and I just don't seem to be able to talk to her. She's very private and non communicative.

[Pandora987]

I would let her do as much dance as she wants I think. Its brilliant when they have hobbies and the passion and determination to pursue something. Better than playing computer games all evening and chatting on social media. Maybe you could tell her she could go as long as she behaves better/ talks to you with respect ? At 13 they do shut themselves off from us, its a natural progression away from childhood into teenager, but it is hard. Good luck

[Clare1971]

She has communicated - " I hate swimming I basically hate everything you like. I want to dance because you don't do it and you won't let me, you make me do everything you want." That's actually searingly honest and quite telling. I won't offer any advice since my track record with my own DD is pretty woeful - just saying that I would have been relieved if my DD could have expressed herself like that - she never expressed any opinions or anger, instead she self-harmed terribly.

[feudebois]

That's a very good point Clare. I'm so sorry to hear about your dd

[MrsJackAubrey]

I think exercise of any type at this age, is really helpful for DDs (and I speak from bitter experience!) so I'd bite my lip and support it. Anything - ANYTHING - that helps them get away from social media, their bedroom, and takes them out of themselves is a good thing.

Anything that gives them self-esteem and a work ethic (however flimsy!) is a good thing.

She may not talk to you about it - but honey, those days are over for a few years. My DD (now 18) started to reconnect with me about 6 months ago thank the lord or I'd have run away