Top set at school - Bottom set at home!

[BrettB]

Hi all, new to Mumsnet and looking for a bit of advice/support etc....

We have a nearly 14 year old son who is top set for all subjects at school, however we have the 'computer' scenario at home where he is near on addicted to the thing and there is little or no family communication on his part, of which we have had several heated family discussions about.

We recently had a parents evening and he got an absolutely glowing report an he is on target for 7-9s (a's/A*'s) in all of his exams in 2 years time. At the parents evening we were pulled to one side by the maths teacher who spoke to us inviting our son to an after school maths class for advanced maths with the aim of gearing advanced students for A'level maths (bear in mind our son is in year 9, so 2-3 years before A'levels). At the time our son seemed up for it. Obviously we felt very proud.

Yesterday, which was the first day for the after school maths, our son decided not to attend and not to tell anyone about it. and made his way home as normal, went to his room and 'logged on' to the virtual world.

when we arrived home we found out that he had not gone to the after school class and we were obviously gutted, but more so embarrassed and upset, feeling that he had let us down, but more importantly himself down. In the ensuing discussions, he said that 'maths was boring' and he didn't want to do it!. Our concern is that he was mare focused on getting home for some 'computer/gaming time'.

We have tried to have a civilised discussion about it but it is returned with a blank look and a shrug (normal teenage response). eventually we resulted in removing computer access for an agreed period.

any comment advice on the subject would be appreciated as we are feeling a bit emotional/disappointed/lost.... about the whole thing

[IHeartKingThistle]

He doesn't have to go to the Maths if he doesn't want to, surely? What does he want to do as a career?

Does he have friends? Other interests?

[BrettB]

He does have friends etc and he is a good kid. As you know we all want what's best for our kids.

We aren't forcing the issue with the maths, were more disappointed that he didn't talk to us, or anyone else, about it, or let anyone else know that he didn't want to do it.

The daft thing is he has career aspirations in architecture or engineering - both which are very math orientated.

The computer is probably an outlet our a method to 'switch off', but it does seem to be his only and main priority at home, and as of yesterday seemed to take president over an extra school activity, which could benefit him in the long run...

[IHeartKingThistle]

Ok I think it's less of a concern if he has friends and interests. If he wasn't doing well at school I'd be all for giving him the wife password only when xyz have been done, but he's doing great so you can afford to approach things more positively. What sort of thing would get him interested in family time do you think?

I'd also let him know you are proud of him. Sounds silly and sorry if you already do, but I was also a very academic teen who was quite detached at home and I always resented their disappointment as I felt I was working so hard to make them proud. Now of course I realise they just wanted me around more but that's how my teenage logic interpreted it!

[BrettB]

Thanks Thistle

We do let him know how proud we are. Like most boys he is into his gaming an that's how he and his friends hang out these days (not like the good old days... )

Thanks for the insight

[IHeartKingThistle]

Thanks for not being offended! You sound lovely.

I meant wifi password btw!

[BrettB]

I assumed you meant wifi!!

this parenting thing is bloody tricky at times....