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Still really worried about dd, don't know if she's ill, stressed out, eating disorder or all...

(23 Posts)
WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 12:45:38

Started a thread last week here when I was worried she was ill but got checked out by a Dr who said its down to lack of food, the collapsing and muscle pain and feeling like shit.

Have spoken to her HoY who has spoken to dd and reckons that dd is putting herself under lots of pressure to do well in gcses and that because she spends all lunch time/break time doing school work that's why she doesn't eat lunch, hoy says she's sure there isn't an eating disorder.

I was really firm with dd last night and said she's got to eat more. I'm now insisting on breakfast. Ive tried saying a salad isn't enough for lunch but we've compromised on a more substantial salad, one that includes chicken and maybe cheese rather than just leaves and cucumber and a few croutons. She's also agreed to taking a banana in.

Any suggestion of sandwich, cracker breads and cheese, etc is met with point blank refusal. She veers between saying she doesn't like them then when I point out she's esten them happily in the past she says she's bored of them, then says she doesn't want to get fat. She weighed herself yesterday and said she was upset as she reckoned she was 8st2lbs and three days before had been 7st1lbs. I told her the scales must be wrong but that she was to stop weighing herself so much. She weighed herself again this morning and is 7st1lbs so she is a bit happier. She keeps going on about how her favourite teacher who she adores is slim and pretty and only eats salad. The school work she does at lunch time is art subject which is what this teacher teaches. She's pushing herself at the subject to impress this teacher. She isn't spending time doing german and science which are the subjects she's struggling with, so I'm not sure HoY has quite got the grasp of the situation.

She is very fussy with food and after endless discussion last night about what she might eat for breakfast has agreed only to either pancakes or croissants. She then moans she might get fat if she starts eating breakfast.

I don't understand because she will happily come home from school, decided she's hungry and go to the shop over the road and buy chocolate and eat it. I really don't think she's bulimic. Our house is quite small, only one loo and I would hear her throwing up.

I'm worried that there still might be something physically wrong with her. She's permanently knackered. Fell on the floor last night, screaming hysterically that her back hurt, like a deep muscle ache in her spine. Was like it for ten minutes refusing to move. Ive gone and bought more multi vitamins and iron this morning, she did have some previously but I can't find the bottle. She says she stopped taking them a bit ago so ive impressed on her that she must have one every day.

She's had pancakes for breakfast today, french stick with chicken and cucumber for lunch and I'm going to do a roast dinner tonight. Had breakfast and lunch with no complaints and I think she will eat dinner.

School has said she has to continue with German. They say they will make sure she passes, not sure how. I don't know if I should be pushing her to revise for this exam she has next week which is worth 15% of her mark.??

Anytime I do she just starts sobbing that she doesn't know any of it and gets so upset it's untrue. Ive tried telling her she doesn't know it because she's spent next to no time trying, that she needs to put more effort in. She just sobs and sobs and says it doesn't matter how much she tries to learn it that she can't remember. She is dyslexic and ed psych said she's got the worst working term memory he'd ever seen. Trying to learn verbatim two pages of German seems beyond her.

She's sat upstairs now happily minecrafting rather than doing any school work.

Ive still got an appointment next week with our normal GP as we went to out of hours the other evening. I think I will still take her. Does it sound like an eating disorder or does she just sound stressed?

FellOutOfBedTwice Sat 27-Feb-16 13:03:45

I typed out a reply and it deleted itself. Apologies.

The thing that leapt out at me was the bit about wanting to impress this teacher. Could she have a crush on her and be struggling with her sexuality? At her age I had a thing for a (male) teacher of mine (who I ended up in a relationship with later in my teens) and it made me very stressed, especially when he started resiprocating. I may be way off the mark but this was my first thought.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 13:29:16

Oh I think she definetly has a crush on the teacher, whether she's struggling with her sexuality or whether it's more of an admiration crush I don't know.

I'd like to think if she did think she was gay she would be happy to tell me, she's told me she's Demi sexual.....think it was demi sexual. I had to google it. Basically she says she's something which means she wouldn't have sex with someone until she has a meaningful relationship with them. Which sounds very sensible.

She's currently on sofa complaining f dizziness and headache, too ill for science revision.

I'm wondering if she has ME? Or some sorry of delayed post viral etching after having shingles last year s

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 14:47:28

She's gone back to bed saying she's tired and that her legs ache so much she can hardly walk. sad

Pidapie Sat 27-Feb-16 15:05:23

She definitely need to sort out her food a bit, but seems you have taken some important steps to that. I can't say if she has ED or not from what you've written, but I would keep an eye out for it if I were you. I used to have anorexia, but I was never open with my mum about my weight or what I ate etc - it was all very hidden. I think the fact she is open with you is a good thing, and could be a signal that she does not have ED.

She sounds very stressed, perhaps you could guide her to do yoga or something to calm down? Do it with her? I don't do yoga, but know of many who claims it's very useful for stress release.

Talk to the doctor if you think she has ME, but it could just be her age + the stress from school. Many kids that age has that tiredness, for no apparent reason. Hopefully everything will be much better once she's past this challenging stage at school.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sat 27-Feb-16 15:25:45

Can you ask this teacher to mention the huge pile of chips they had at lunch or enjoyed pizza??

Seems there's a voice you're not using

SealSong Sat 27-Feb-16 17:59:59

CAMHS practitioner here. I'm not wishing to cause worry but some things you have posted have set off alarm bells for me in terms of possible eating disorder.
You say she is 7st1, you don't say how tall she is but depending on her height she could be underweight. She is not eating breakfast and lunch, and is having thoughts of wanting to be thin.

She may NOT have an ED but she may be vulnerable to developing one.
I would, if I were you, request referral to CAMHS for this to be properly assessed. I'd suggest you this further at your GP appointment.

SealSong Sat 27-Feb-16 18:01:28

* discuss * this further - typo

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 18:15:58

She's 5ft 1" so not overly tall.

Thanks, will ask the GP about CAMHs, but I think there's normally a long wait.

I'm going to see the hoy soon, not sure waiting for her to talk to some other staff and then ring me. I have no way of contacting the teacher dd really likes so will wait till I see the HoY and mention it to her. I Don't think this teacher has done anything wrong at all but she may be able to influence dd in a good way.

Haffdonga Sat 27-Feb-16 18:30:24

It does sound worrying Simon.

The bit that struck me was the HOY is sure she doesn't have an eating disorder. Sorry, but how the fuck can the HOY be sure about that? Is she an ED expert? Does she follow dd and watch her eating? Does she know what dd says about her weight? Does she see the arguments you're having about what dd will/wont eat? (Seems extremely unprofessional of HOY to say this).

Haffdonga Sat 27-Feb-16 18:34:48

I agree too that the art teacher could be a useful ally and role model. If she can fit it in her teaching timetable, could she sometimes actually eat a pasta salad or sandwich while with dd.

RalphSteadmansEye Sat 27-Feb-16 18:35:32

Hi OP. So sorry you're having lots of worries again with dd.

I don't have much advice as I don't have any experience with teenage girls, but a couple of thoughts:

Definitely keep the appointment with the gp. There could be a whole host of physical reasons for her symptoms and worth getting those checked out - I'm sure they'll do bloods etc.

If there's a long waiting list for CAMHS (I know there is), then the school counselling service might be able to help more quickly.

I reservedly agree with pp advice to ask art teacher (through HOY?) to maybe help provide a better role model of healthy eating to dd. I don't know if this would work.

Lastly, I think it's about time to get even stroppier with school about the German. They’re talking bs about her not having enough GCSEs. My ds doesn't do a language (has two frees) and will have 8 GCSES. Far better he gets 8 top grades than 10 mediocre ones. His school still get their students into top universities with 8 or 9 GCSEs. If I were you, I would almost be insisting on her dropping German now. She can spend her frees in the library or the learning support Dept. If they absolutely refuse, let her ignore the work and the homework until they give in. Her health and her core subjects come first.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 18:44:05

I'm trying to think what subjects she does. First HoY said if she dropped german she would have to do something else and it's too late to start, then she said she wouldn't have enough subjects.

English Lang
English lit
Double science
Graphic design
Religious studies
Art ( but she's doing this unofficially after school)

So 9 gcses officially, ten with art.

So even if she dropped german she would have 8 or 9 if art is included. They've said dd might not be able to keep up with portfolio requirements for art and if she doesn't then they won't enter her for the exam and if she does then they will. I don't think HoY knows she's doing it, it's very unofficial between dd and the art dept.

But 8 gcses is ok isn't it? HoY said it would affect her chances of getting into uni.....she want to do a Graphics degree so I think as long as she has a good portfolio in year 13 she should be fine.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 18:46:00

And I think you're right about telling her to ignore her german requirements as much as possible. Problem is dd gets upset and seems scared of her German teacher who is meant to be a bit fierce. So when I said previously don't revise for the test, don't worry about it she was sobbing saying the teacher would be furious.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 18:48:08

And no the HoY isn't an ED expert but I think she had a chat with dd about food and dd promised her she just wasn't eating because of lack of time.

She has had a massive roast dinner this evening and a brownie so I'm inclined to believe she hasn't got an ED......but I'm not convinced about the lack of time. I think it's more she wants her favourite teacher to see her eating salad and she thinks her teacher will think she's cool for eating salad.

thesandwich Sat 27-Feb-16 18:52:46

Dropping German sounds like a good plan. Poor girl. Sounds like a cycle of stress going on. Have you looked at the headspace app to unwind to? Dies she get outside at all? Excercise? We still have the scars from art gcse😳 Three years on- but if the teacher is good and it is clear what is needed.... And I know how stresses you must be feeling. Make time for you. Try and have some fun together. Good luck.

RalphSteadmansEye Sat 27-Feb-16 18:53:01

I count 11 at mo - double science is 2!

My ds is doing maths, English, double science, a humanity and two arts (trying not to be too specific). It's fine, honestly. He's aiming for a top uni for an academic subject and school know what they're talking about.

Did they not offer for her to drop to a smaller/lower set for German?

Hope she's been better today.

QOD Sat 27-Feb-16 18:53:23

I took my dd to the dr who impressed upon her how important it is to eat properly
dd is 5ft 5 and was down to 7st 1
back up to around 8 now
she has a actimel yog in the morning and also tales a omaprasole at night as she was suffering with nausea and bile
it's difficult as dd is a bit scared of authority so accepted instructions from the gp plus I put her detail on the nhs bmi thing and she came up underweight
she's waiting for an us scan to check if there's a hiatus hernia etc but basically can take or leave food

Haffdonga Sat 27-Feb-16 18:53:37

Seems like plenty of subjects to me Simon. The German thing may be because the school is hung up on the English Bacc another totally meaningless target or is it a private school concerned about stats? No graphic design coure at uni is going to care if dd has a German GCSE or not (unless she wants to study in Germany.)

I agree the way MFLs are taught is a nightmare for dcs with poor working memory skills. So much is based on learning by rote without understanding If dropping German would reduce your dd's stress it seems a simple and straightforward way of making everything improve for her.

RalphSteadmansEye Sat 27-Feb-16 18:57:02

Have you looked at Uni requirements? OK, so she might go to college first for art foundation course but, as an example, the local Uni (which has v good rep for art subjects) requires only 5 good GCSEs. The rest is on A levels plus portfolio.

I think focusing on a clear plan of what is and isn't important might help her stress levels.

MrsJayy Sat 27-Feb-16 18:58:10

It sounds like she has an admiration/obsession with her Art teacher the eating is so disordered she is making herself ill poor kid you need to speak to her HOY again possibley the art teacher you might need to go behind yourDds back though and be a bit sneaky about it.your poor Dds mental health sounds all over the place

RalphSteadmansEye Sat 27-Feb-16 18:58:42

Yep, some schools are still hung up on ebacc - totally pointless. She has enough of the right subjects for progress / Attainment 8 which are the new measures.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 27-Feb-16 19:03:40

Dd doesn't want to drop to the lower german set. I will talk to her again about it. She says its full of kids who fuck about and her friends are in her current class. But the benefit would surely be less stress and maybe a teacher who won't be quite as scary.

Yes, forgot Science would be two GCSEs! Duh!

I think she's doing plenty. Will write them all down ready for HoY meeting.

Thanks everyone.

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