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18yr old DD is this just a normal phase?

(13 Posts)
gottachangethename1 Sat 27-Feb-16 08:27:11

DD is in 1st year of uni (near home) since she started she has been on what seems like a permanent freshers week. She goes out at least four nights per week, comes home (not always) in the early hours and wakes up looking like death. She rarely studies and is just scraping through on tests and essays. I want her to enjoy being young and care free, but she is not taking care of herself. Her diet is shocking and she continues to go out even when she is running a fever or feeling awful. I know it probably seems no big deal and if she was away at uni I wouldn't even know (somehow I think that would have been better for both of us) I just want her to be safe and well.

holeinmyheart Sat 27-Feb-16 09:09:19

I think this is fairly normal behaviour, but as she is living at home, you are getting to see it. She will calm down and survive.
I was away from home at Uni. I am so glad my parents didn't get to see my head in the toilet vomiting and the staying out, etc. After a few terribly drunken episodes where I vomited for Britain, I grew more sensible.

My DCs all went away to UNi and I am glad I didn't witness their stupid behaviour.

Anyway, what is certain is that she is not going to take any notice of what you say, that's for sure. She is also a long way off getting her degree. It is also her life and you can't live it for her.
I am still worrying about my DCs now and they are are all in their late twenties and thirties. It is just what parents have to bear ( sighs)

gottachangethename1 Sat 27-Feb-16 09:20:48

Thanks hole. Yes, I now understand why moving away to uni can be easier, both for the parents and the teenager. I'm a witness to stuff that I really don't feel comfortable with. You're right when you say she won't listen to me, even seeing me recently seems to irritate her. smile

Lindor Sat 27-Feb-16 09:31:19


my DS is away at uni in 2nd year. From what he tells us and what pops up on facebook, after partying away the most of year 1 they seem to be calmer this year. They still do go out and get hammered but less often. Year 2 counts more towards final results, and they no longer feel the need to "prove" themselves. I think chances are it will sort itself out. It's not easy though, being the parent of adult teens is it?

Yourface Sat 27-Feb-16 09:52:38

Poor you! I would hate to go through that as a parent, I would be beside myself. My eldest is only 13, so those years are to come.

I was like this in my first year. Did barely any work and hardly attended lectures and then I failed the year! Went out loads and spent the rest of my time in bed. Sorry to worry you. I wasn't paying my own fees in those days. That may well have made a difference!

Part of my problem was wanting to blow off the repression of my home years, combined with being on the wrong course for me.

The shock of the failure and then changing course, made a massive difference. After that I worked harder, still went out though but def applied myself so much more and did really well.

rogueantimatter Sun 28-Feb-16 12:35:43

A friend in the same situation is insisting on her second DC who is also starting uni near home this year getting student accommodation as she can't stand the thought of a repeat of her first DC's first year. The first one drove her mad with the very late nights and em 'antics'.

My DC has a flat in our local city and comes home once a week. I never ever thought I'd feel like this but what with facebook posts and her weekly tales of revelry I sometimes think it must have been easier for our parents when we were away for a whole term and phoned home once weekly. Ignorance is bliss and all that.

gottachangethename1 Sun 28-Feb-16 14:11:42

I have total empathy for your friend. Rogue. I thought being closer to home would be less worrying for me and my DD. The opposite is more the case. Really hoping this phase passes by her 2nd year. I'd left home at 18 for good. Think my mum got off lightly, she had no clue what I was doing and I had to grow up very quickly.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 28-Feb-16 14:20:14

I had a Df with a Fresher and a five year old at home. her tales of getting up for the school run to find older son just coming home were epic and kept me giggling for a year or so. Her boy graduated with a first last year...

It's a normal part of uni. She'll grow out of it. Suggest she looks at a flat share for second year?

StarUtopia Sun 28-Feb-16 14:23:31

It might be normal behaviour (to some extent) but she has clearly chosen (?) to live at home. I'm sorry, but given that, she should still live by your rules.

I would suggest to her that if she wants to behave like this, she moves onto campus and finds somewhere else to live.

But then, I wouldn't put up with this! I'm 40 something and I still wouldn't dream of coming home smashed if I was staying at my parents! All about respect.

MrsKilminster Sun 28-Feb-16 15:17:30

I feel your pain OP and agree with all that's been said. So glad that my poor parents didn't witness my antics when I was at uni and agree with StarUtopia - if she wants to live at home she needs to show some respect. But it's not easy, I've just posted about my 16 year old DD binge-drinking and we just want them to be safe and happy.

cdtaylornats Sun 28-Feb-16 20:02:11

There are a great many of us who are incredibly thankful we went to university before social media.

holeinmyheart Mon 29-Feb-16 20:57:25

Yep! If my Mother and Father had found out what I was up to in the heady first few weeks of freedom at Uni, they would have had a fit.

I was very very careful not to tell them a thing. There were no mobiles, no iPads, no FB, and we didn't even have a telephone at home. It was letters only. My Mother wrote to me religiously but I rarely wrote back. I thought I was living a very sophisticated life in London, without them. Ha !

I feel mortified now by my careless attitude towards my dear Mother ........too late now to make amends.
Making your 18 yr old children live by your rules in your house, is damn hard.

I only had one child back to live with us after Uni. It was a bit of a nightmare. I can remember him saying ' I need my privacy Mum' I thought.... What about my bloody privacy ?

I tried to make him toe the line but he had me over a barrel, as I love him more than he loves me. ( it is the natural order)
They don't worry about you sipping too many Gin and Tons and being ill, and they certainly don't stay awake waiting to see that you are home safely. ( sighs)

MrsJayy Tue 01-Mar-16 10:47:37

Dd stayed home for uni its weird seeing them drunk hungover and generally being a young adult her friends who stayed away were the same but mothers didnt see it Dd settled down her 2nd year and she also started driving so if she was out she started staying at friends

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