has anyone tried this

[Mummyhey]

My 2 teenage sons (13 and 14) are getting increasingly rude, cheeky and disrespectful. I was going to try banning all technology until they earn it. Has anyone tried this and what were your rules?

[rogueantimatter]

Ooh! You could try it.....

I sympathise though.

Other people will disagree probably but at their age I feel they're past the stage of 'punishments'. If you think about it, how are they going to learn to be polite and respectful by being punished?

It would be better, IMO, to just refuse to engage with them when they are rude. Tell them you're not going to listen to them if they're being rude and walk away if possible. Withdraw lifts or any little extras they ask for as you don't feel like being kind to them as a result of their recent disrespectful language. Those would be the natural consequences if other adults spoke were rude to you.

Tell them briefly but firmly that you don't deserve to be spoken to like that but don't add any drama to the situation.

My DC are 19 and 16. They're pretty average teens in terms of being (un)manageable but I do seem to have successfully managed to avoid slanging matches, swearing, cheek.iness. Once one of them told me that "It's none of your business" and I was openly annoyed and indignant briefly and walked off. He's never done it since (annoying in other ways....) I think DS has sworn in reply to me once but quickly apologised but he never hears his DH or me swear and he knows I understand there's a generation gap and that I can't stop him using bad language in other situations. I have told them that my DM gave me a massive row for describing something as 'hellish' . I've gone on at length about how language changes but I still don't care if everyone swears I don't like it and it's my home so I don't deserve and won't put up with bad language.

What sort of things do they say/do? Do you count muttering and eye-rolling as cheeky etc? I ignore eye-rolling and grunting as far as possible. Their ability to communicate and self-regulate goes backwards from 13-16/17 while their brains re-organise.

I'm not claiming to have amazing teens or to be blind to their faults - I know I've been rubbish at getting them to do household stuff for example, but they're usually respectful with their speech.

[rogueantimatter]

FWIW I try to find ways to let them do things or to find a compromise wherever possible.

[Mummyhey]

Thanks guys, I will give you an example. My son came home and asked for a £16 game on his ps4. I said if he hoovered the house and was not disrespectful to anyone for the rest of the evening, I would buy it him. He didn't like this reply and shouted 'y should I be nice to you wen u never get me owt' then stormed out and slammed every door in the house. Ps. He wants for nothing.

Obviously I did not buy him the game but he has now spent the weekend being ruder than ever and blatantly bullying his younger brother. I am tempted to just buy the game and put an end to the animosity but I know that would be th easy way out X

[LaurieFairyCake]

Of course you don't buy the game !

You tell him life is a transaction and if he wants £16 quids worth of stuff he has to do x,y,z. Just like you do when you go out to work.

Lay out what you think is disrespectful, often they have no idea - and your ideas will be different from mine. For example I really hate eye rolling but I know that a 13 year old finds it really tough to control their face so I choose not to look at them when their eye rolling and instead focus on the other (maybe more important) things I want them to do like their homework or their behaviour to siblings.

So be really specific about what 'respectful' means or it just sounds like a really long list of things you don't like - mine is a short ish list of not damaging things in the house, not following people trying to start arguments, no violence at all.

[rogueantimatter]

Good advice. IMO.

Does he get pocket money? I'd give him a weekly or monthly allowance generous enough for him to buy occasional games etc. Then it's up to him what he spends his money on.

Teenagers are incredibly ungrateful. DD once told me I didn't really do anything for her while I was driving to her at a shop at a moment's notice for something that could easily have waited. I was so cross I made her get out of the car and walk home!

Maybe your DS genuinely thinks he's hard done by compared with his friends. Might be worth a chat about what he can reasonably expect.

[ProfGrammaticus]

He needs an allowance to manage himself, not to have to be constantly asking you for stuff. And if he has an allowance he needs to learn not to be constantly asking you for stuff!

[rogueantimatter]

Yes although he shouldn't get the game if he's a drama queen like that I don't think the sentiment that 'life is a transaction is very loving'. If you can afford it then he should have some money just because he deserves to have some things just for the sake of it.

[StrapOnDodo]

I would be withholding any allowance for that bullying behaviour? I would never buy mine a game unless for a birthday or Christmas present. Ours save up for things like that which they don't 'need' just 'want'.

Being a teen is no excuse for bad behaviour, anymore than being premenstrual, pregnant or menopausal.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Yes to the spends - but link it to being earnt - house work, good deeds etc - they don't like spending their own money!!

My kids think I earn £2 and hour and I tell them that's 8 hours of work for me - so they "get off lightly" by shoving the Hoover round !!

[Quoteunquote]

In this house you earn all privileges (mostly anything with a screen),

If you have perfect manners and are helpful without being asked, and without making moany sounds or fed up faces, don't cause any unnecessary stress, and no one has to address your behaviour, and you do this unbroken for 24hr, then you have unlimited(all your responsibilities must be completed)access to privileges.

I take serious offence to having to use any of my precious energy or time on anyone who is causing unnecessary stress, I would rather focus on positive things.

I have yet to find a teen or younger that can't self manage when they want to, it's amazing how fast they learn to control themselves if they want to.

Explain every time they(individually) need you to correct or comment on negative behaviour the count down clock starts again. Stick to it, be consistent ,

I haven't had anything I have had to correct for a very long time.

my wifi did at one time read Ask me the password I dare you

Occasionally I look up and ask if someone needs an intervention, but they always immediately declare they are fine and wind themselves in. Mine have become experts at peaceful conflict resolution , because they know they will are the only ones that will suffer long term.

It's really worth getting them to be self responsible as it becomes impossible to live stress free if they feel it is acceptable to behave in a way that negatively effects the entire household.

[rogueantimatter]

Well this will be no help Mummyhey... but I can't resist commenting that this is a typical teenage thread with polarised opinions ranging from 'Make allowances - they can't help having a teenage brain' to 'Your house your rules'. To paraphrase wildly and a bit unfairly.

Keep calm. If you possibly can. then the occasional blow-up will have max effect

Pick your battles.

Don't take their nonsense personally.

Let them know they're loved just for being them.

Take up a stress-relief activity for yourself such as yoga, drinking, running, eating large quantities of chocolate in front of the telly....

[Theendispie]

Do not buy the game.

My teen is a bit like this but I have known people have really monumental issues with their teens so get less fraught about it than I should probably.

[Footle]

I didn't understand why the quote from your son suddenly went into text-speak. Did he talk in a strange way ?

[DoreenLethal]

He didn't like this reply and shouted 'y should I be nice to you wen u never get me owt' then stormed out and slammed every door in the house.

Anyone doing that to me would come home to find that the PS4 had mysteriously disappeared whilst they were out. And would not appear until I was happy that they had apologised and meant it, and earned it back.