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How to help sad dd

(15 Posts)
ginorwine Wed 10-Feb-16 21:07:06

My dd has a lovely b f and she has fallen for him .she is in first year of sixth form , he in his second .she has been dreading him going to uni , but been positive .
At school there was a talk about voluntary work overseas .you find raise then work abroad for a year which includes 3 months to travel .she is trying to be positive but is struggling to eat her meals , crying all the time , says she doesn't know how she will manage .he is obviously v independent but has said he remains committed to dd .
I've hugged , listened .she says she doesn't know how to manage the relationship as she knows he is going and Seems heartbroken .
Apart from hugging and listening is there anything more I can do ?

leonardthelemming Wed 10-Feb-16 23:49:23

I'm a bit confused. Is the BF going to uni - in October, presumably - or to do the voluntary work?

If they are really committed (and it's possible - I've had work colleagues who met at school) he could defer his university offer and work for a year, so that she can catch up with him educationally. Then they could go to uni or do voluntary work together. How would he feel about that idea?

ginorwine Thu 11-Feb-16 09:16:02

He was due to go to uni in October .
Has now decided to do the overseas work instead as a gap year and go to uni the following year .
Sorry wasn't clear - I was really upset having a sodden dd in my arms for sone time 😞

ginorwine Thu 11-Feb-16 09:28:02

I just read your post, thank you .
He says he is committed .
He said she needs to chill as she has become v anxious and crying at school and at home .
His family is quite international and its normal for him to have family members out of the country but he says he is gutted about it too .its his sister who he is close to so he would understand I guess .she has asked for reassurance to try and calm herself - it's happened so fast - she's in shock I think - he has aid he can't give false reassurance but is commited to her .
He comes across as a lovely boy who is a little detached to me - I asked dd about it and she said yes he is only attatched to his sister and not the rest of the household .
I remember my bf at that age and there's not way they would do this if they were in love - so I'm doubting him- however that's just my experience .
That's a good idea about letting her catch up .
My gut instinct is that he's v independent tho .
Did the people you kno go to uni near each other ? His course is v specific - only a few in the country ,
I will suggest she discusses that option .
It's interesting my Dh thinks this is normal due to life changes at this age whereas I'm obvs a heart rule head girl - but yet they are so young !!

Optimist1 Thu 11-Feb-16 09:42:54

Sorry to sound harsh but she's unlikely to have this young man as her boyfriend soon if she keeps up the weeping and wailing. I understand she loves him and can't imagine him being away from her, but surely the things she loves about him include his independent spirit and interest in what's going on in other parts of the world?

leonardthelemming Thu 11-Feb-16 10:41:17

Did the people you kno go to uni near each other ?

The same one, I think.

But Optimist makes a good point. Circumstances have dictated that my wife and I live apart on occasion - for two years in one case (although we had holidays together) - so perhaps your daughter is being a bit clingy (and that could push him away). But we had been married for a few years before that happened - I can understand that she doesn't want to be apart from him early on in a relationship.

ginorwine Thu 11-Feb-16 10:51:16

She tries to hide it from him .
She says that she is very aware that she wants him to do what he wants to do .
This is her principle .
At the same time she seems overwhelmed as she really seems to love him .
She is actually being supportive to him - she is mainly upset with others .she has tried to explain that she wants him to do what she wants coupled with the need to know what his statement of he is commited to her in the long term means as she is aware they may grow apart .she admires his spirit and respects it but needs the consequences to her to be addressed somehow without making it look as if she is trying to stop him .

ginorwine Thu 11-Feb-16 10:57:47

With what he wants
Not what she wants oop s

juneau Thu 11-Feb-16 11:23:29

First love can be very all-consuming, but I think in your shoes I'd be worried about her academically if she's spending so much time crying and moping after this boy. Yes, she loves him, but she needs to be a bit more independent herself and focus a bit more on her life, her exams, her future. Its difficult to understand when you're 17, but this is a crucial time for her to prepare for her A levels. If she's sobbing over him she's not going to be focusing on her work and that would really, really worry me if I was her DM.

As for encouraging him to hang around next year so she can 'catch up' and they can go to uni together - FGS no! He wants to go overseas and he must be allowed to do that. A gap year is a really precious thing and not to be squandered on a teenage romance. Yes, he could get a job in Gap instead of going to Costa Rica or Namibia or wherever he wants to go, but he's just going to resent her if she begs him to do that and no one should be making life-changing decisions at 18 over a relationship. This is a good lesson for both of them. Life is tough. If they both want to do well they need to put their studies and their work experiences before their romance.

ginorwine Thu 11-Feb-16 11:51:43

Yes am worried !

leonardthelemming Thu 11-Feb-16 13:19:12

juneau - just to clarify, I wasn't advocating giving up the gap year to hang around. I wasn't sure from the original post if the voluntary thing was definite or whether he was trying to decide whether to go abroad or straight to uni. If the latter, I think it's not uncommon to have a "gap year" which is actually spent working - it gives insight into a world away from academia and, of course, money!

But if he's definite he wants to volunteer, fine, and she'll have to run with it.

Peebles1 Thu 11-Feb-16 17:25:07

I have a DS who was in the bf's position a few years ago. Lovely girlfriend, really loved her. But wanted to go on gap year abroad and then uni. She wanted him to go to uni near her chosen uni. I'm proud of him that he stuck to his guns and went. He's now in second year at uni. I'm sorry OP but it didn't last. They split up two months after he went abroad. It was too hard for them both. But I think they were too young to be making commitments and basing plans around each other. He doesn't regret anything. I think, as other posters have said, at that age they should make independent choices. Another couple in their year went to uni together but split up beforehand - awkward. I do feel for you as my DD was inconsolable when she split up with her bf (she was 17). Sobbing with her head in my lap every night. It's horrid, but I would encourage her to try and be positive. A year will fly by. They can Skype etc. It might last. Good luck.

ginorwine Thu 11-Feb-16 17:53:46

He was due to go to uni
Now considering gap year abroad on a set scheme and deferring his place .

Optimist1 Thu 11-Feb-16 22:40:09

Is there any way you could encourage her to live in the moment - not to spoil months of a wonderful time of her life (first true love) by worrying about the future? You've probably tried this already, as you sound a caring mother.

ginorwine Thu 11-Feb-16 22:54:32

Thank you for kind words - I have - I think she's I shock right now .

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