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Is this a new and acceptable thing?

(23 Posts)
Verbena37 Tue 09-Feb-16 15:21:47

Hi,
DD (just turned 14) been invited to a party at another girl's house from 7-12pm. Annoying that I have to go and collect at midnight but oh well. I said DD can go. DD only sees this girl at school and occasionally out of school as they don't really share joint friends.

However, yesterday, when I ask DD if her parents are going to be there, DD says yes, and a lot of their family from away but they've said the girls can drink a little cider if their parents don't mind......bearing in mind some of the friends will still be 13 and the birthday girl herself will only just be 14 on that day. SureLt introducing a quarter of a glass of wine topped up with lemonade or a shandy is a more usual way to introduce kids to alcohol? That was what my parents allowed at Xmas. Cider.....slightly different and stronger.

Me and DH were a bit shock and DD has now said she doesn't want to go....her own choosing, not from us first.....although we are glad. I said, after having a bit of a think, perhaps the parents have decided to offer a small amount whilst they're at home for a special occasion as a way of introducing the kids to it .....before they start going off to other peoples' parties and finding themselves facing vast quantities of alcohol with no parental supervision. Or perhaps the child herself has thought of it and the parents don't know?

Just seemed a bit weird.
Any thoughts?

Secretus Tue 09-Feb-16 15:26:24

No it's not usual for 13/14 year olds to be given cider at a party, nor is it the party parents' role to introduce other people's children to alcohol.

It does happen eventually but more commonly at 16th birthdays.

fessmess Tue 09-Feb-16 15:36:32

Unfortunately giving young teens alcohol, letting bfs sleep over in same bed, letting them smoke weed in garden. All acceptable choices for fuckwit parent of 14/15 yo in my neck of woods. OH, and letting them stay at home and not bother with school shock. Wonder why 37% last year achieved 5+ gcses and we have one of highest teen pregnancy rates. (Crying quietly in corner.)

Verbena37 Tue 09-Feb-16 15:42:43

Just re read my thread title and it sounds like I'm stupid!!
I'm not. I just thought perhaps a lot of teen parents do this.....but perhaps not.

I just think it's mad and in a party situation isn't quite the same as sat at the Xmas table with the grandparents sipping whilst watching the Queen's speech!

The thing is, this family are usually quite strict and law abiding. We all live in a very nice town with very little crime or trouble so I was surprised when DD said. I'm just glad DD went a loopy and questioned it herself. She is very anti even chatting about alcohol. Bless her. She doesn't want to smoke, drink or have sex......ever!! I keep saying things will change but she ensures me it won't. She aims to have lots of pets and live alone in a big city 😂 and eventually turn into an old 'cat lady'.

Wineandchovolateneededasap Tue 09-Feb-16 16:34:33

In my neck of the woods it's pretty standard to but vodka shock.

CiderwithBuda Tue 09-Feb-16 16:51:02

It seems to be the done thing here. And despite my nickname I'm not a cider drinker! smile

DS is 14 and not into going to parties yet but I know from friends that other parents are letting teens of same age have cider at parties. I don't get it. I think it's just that bit too young.

We let DS have beer last Xmas. He didn't like it. We suggested he water it down with 7-up and make it a shandy, he did half and half. Didn't like it. Halved it again. Still not keen so just drank the 7-up! Hoping it stays that way for a while.

leonardthelemming Tue 09-Feb-16 17:10:47

Unfortunately giving young teens alcohol, letting bfs sleep over in same bed, letting them smoke weed in garden. All acceptable choices for fuckwit parent of 14/15 yo in my neck of woods. OH, and letting them stay at home and not bother with school shock. Wonder why 37% last year achieved 5+ gcses and we have one of highest teen pregnancy rates. (Crying quietly in corner.)

Hmmm... About to get flamed again, maybe.

Agree with you re smoking weed, tbh, and school's important too, but the alcohol and sleeping over are totally different issues, IMHO.
Better, I think, to let young teens learn the effect alcohol has on them while they're in a private house with parents (even other people's parents) around to save them when they - inevitably - overdo it. Better than drinking vodka on a Park bench, I mean. It's legal, too. (I think the park bench option isn't.)

And in my experience, teens who get used to it at home are less likely to overdo it later. There's actually some research evidence to support this - shame I can't remember where I read it.
Also, in Germany (as I understand it - Wikipedia article), 14-year-olds can drink alcohol in a pub, provided they have a parent/guardian with them. (Not spirits, though.) And it's for precisely this reason.

And the sleeping over? At the school I last worked at, I'm pretty sure this happened. It's amazing what they talk about when they forget there's a teacher in the room. But the teenage pregnancy rate was zero (unless they were very good at covering it up) and the GCSE 5+ A to C pass rate was 100%.

So I'm reasonably convinced there isn't a causal link here.

Incidentally, in Germany (again!) the age of consent is 14 yet their teen live birth rate is about half of ours. I can't find figures for their teen pregnancy rate but I can see no reason why German teenagers should be more likely to have abortions so I guess that's lower too.

But to return to the OPs original question - it perhaps isn't usual in the UK but it isn't wrong, and if the research evidence is to be believed, might even be better than trying to keep them away from it. That will just make them want it even more.

Verbena37 Tue 09-Feb-16 17:18:48

Thanks for that.....good to see the other angle. I do think that's probably why they're doing it. I went to the pub with my friends/boyfriend at 16 and to be honest, wasn't interested in alcohol before then. I drank snake bite and black so didn't really taste like alcohol and only really got tipsy. Even now, I barely drink. I drink more wine in risotto than in a glass!

NetballHoop Tue 09-Feb-16 17:19:47

It's 16 with parents permission where we live.

JustDanceAddict Tue 09-Feb-16 19:00:19

I wouldn't do it & my DD is year 9 too. She knows people that drink though, but she's not interested yet.

JustDanceAddict Tue 09-Feb-16 19:02:06

Also, I drank at home from 15 w parental permission. Now govt guidelines are preferably no drinking before age 15 because of developing brain etc.

StarCat Tue 09-Feb-16 19:04:26

I will be doing this with mine, otherwise they will just drink litres of it with their friends.

BackforGood Tue 09-Feb-16 19:51:03

Well, I don't think cider is an odd drink to have as your first drink, but that aside, I wouldn't be happy with parents giving, or letting other people's 13 / 14 yr old any alcohol.
Once they get to 16, or once are in 6th form, then lager and cider are preferable to stronger drinks, IMO. However, that is 3 years away for your dd and her friends.

leonardthelemming Tue 09-Feb-16 20:42:00

It's 16 with parents permission where we live.

Is that in a pub? Or at home?

Now govt guidelines are preferably no drinking before age 15 because of developing brain etc.

Not sure that the research is properly validated though. Actually I need to check this out because I don't know enough about it. But the other research I mentioned (really annoyed with myself for not noting the source) seems to suggest that starting early leads to less alcohol consumption overall. And this certainly seems to be the case with our children who hardly drink at all now they are grown up (neither do we) yet we allowed them alcohol as soon as they expressed interest.

I wouldn't be happy with parents giving, or letting other people's 13 / 14 yr old any alcohol.

They did say only if the parents don't mind. And only a little cider. That approach seems very reasonable to me.

scarlets Wed 10-Feb-16 19:18:42

I first went to a party like that in the June of Year 9. It was all ok. Only one kid went overboard (he found the birthday girl's stepdad's stash of scotch). Everyone was home by 11.30. Fantastic night, great memories.

We started going to the pub/club occasionally at the beginning of Y11. I was 15.5. Started going almost every Saturday night at 16.5.

PirateSmile Wed 10-Feb-16 19:26:24

I wouldn't be happy with my 14 yo drinking cider at a party but I know some are starting to do it. My DM gave him cider this Christmas which he seemed to enjoy so we're not against him trying out alcohol per se. I just remember people I knew at that age who got heavily into alcohol pretty young and it all seemed to start at house parties.

FrancisdeSales Wed 10-Feb-16 19:29:43

I haven't read the whole thread but just saw the comment about Germany - their age of consent is also 14. Just FYI.

rogueantimatter Thu 11-Feb-16 13:41:52

15/16 with parents permission here. There's simply no need to be drinking small amounts of cider at 13 IMO. The younger you start the more likely to have problems later. Poor 13YO brains!

WHO recommends no alcohol before age 15.

rogueantimatter Thu 11-Feb-16 13:44:04

I agree with introducing alcohol in the safe environment of the home for 15+ but not before. It's good to be pragmatic about the likelihood of teens drinking but there's no need to give the message that it's an inevitable part of life. IMO

Verbena37 Thu 11-Feb-16 14:08:52

I agree Rogue. Fortunately our DD isn't in the least bit interested.

rogueantimatter Thu 11-Feb-16 16:03:09

Excellent.

My DD wanted to go to a party when she was 14.5 but worried about the drink that she knew would be smuggled in and pressed on everyone, so we bought her four bottles of alcohol-free drink and then she pretended to complain at the party about the fact that her parents were so strict they had bought alcohol-free drink when someone noticed that she wasn't really drinking grin

Forgetmenotblue Thu 11-Feb-16 16:11:46

My DD was offered a half glass of champagne at a family party at 15. The hosts rang me first to check I was ok with it. I felt that the setting of a family party during the day was completely fine.

I don't let her boyfriend stay over in her room. He sleeps on the sofa downstairs.

If they were 16 I might consider it. With my older DS I let his girlfriend stay in his room when they were both 17.

Verbena37 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:55:38

If it were champagne I'd be more ok with it I think.

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