Help me please...sat here feeling so guilty

[febel]

I am a mum of 3 girls, 2 have left home (26 and 23) and one still at home (18) YD has been v challenging and has had mental health difficulties (anxiety etc) and is on anti depressants for anxiety. HOWEVER...although diagnosed with anxiety seems to have no anxiety about meeting lads befriended through f/book etc (poss Tinder too) But then I am not an expert on mental health..though have read up a lot on it. She is VERY strong willed and likes to push boundaries. She did stop taking her meds at xmas, not that I knew, and had a meltdown the other week, not sleeping etc, I sorted out college (she has repeated a year) and took her to doctor's to sort...at her request.

We have had yet another row today as I found out she had lied to me yet again, which I feel very saddened by. I phoned her her to see where she was but she wouldn't pick up , and texted her throat was too sore too talk and that she was at her friends. She wasn't , she had left work and had driven over to new boyfriend's (in my car which I lend her...free of charge) Hadn't told me where she was cos she said I would have kicked up and said she was seeing him too much ...when she gets a new boyfriend she does tend to immerse herself in him (as it were!) and his family....without letting us meet him for months. I have asked her not to lie and this time have told her I am fed up of it and she can't have the car for a week She replied telling me that I would worry too much if she was on the bus (late at night) so I am doing myself a diservice and she HAD to have to car to see said boyfriend and go to her exercise class and it wasn't fair of me to take it off her. I told her I wanted her to realise lying wasnt a good thing to do and she told me that by refusing to let her have the car she would lie even more and be even worse...cos what was the point?

I feel I am a cr** mother to her... we have no relationship to speak of...not like I have, and have always had with her sisters , as she constantly rejucts me and wants very little to do with me. I also feel I went wrong in her upbringing in that she feels she can lie to me (and her dad and sisters at times) and needs to lie, despite me telling her time and again it's better to be open.
I feel I have failed in that she feels she can just take my stuff (got to the point where I have put lock on my door...I HATE this but am fed up of losing stuff to her) She took a bottle of wine without asking last night...says she bought it (she didn't) She says I go on at her....I barely see her ..she is out or up in her room on line. She never eats with us (her dad and I) although I buy food she likes to eat, expects her washing to be done, her bus pass to be topped up, to use the car (although she does pay for some petrol..to teach her the value of it), and doesn't really have any interest or contact with us, her sisters or her grandparents. Sometimes I feel she would be happier living with a different family, one where there is more family members at home (siblings) athough I love her to bits she drives me mad and hurts me more than anyone ever has and I feel we are not good for her...she never brings friends round and never has as she says she worries about having them round.

I feel very hurt, she has rejects me all the time and wonder why. I wonder if I am the reason she is the way she is (mentally) and feel we will never have a good relationship (or any sort of relationship) as she metaphorically slaps me in the face time and time again. She only wants to know me on the odd occassion she needs me. She tells me all her friends think I am horrid too, and that we are too strict and mean, and she has told her lecturer this (awkward as I work for the same organisation)

Sorry to go on but she makes me so upset and guilty at times, I doubt myself and start to want to give in and not punish her cos she makes me think I am totally in the wrong and am being too harsh...which I may well be

[helpmum2003]

Hi Febel, I'm sorry you feel so awful. As an outsider I would observe (1) if you haven't had these problems with the first 2 children you are probably a good parent (2) she seems to be taking advantage of you in various ways. Does she play the 'mental illness' card? She has a lot of privileges relating to car use and not contributing to household chores.
I'm sure you're doing a good job. Maybe she needs to earn use of car?

[febel]

Thank you...dh says she is v manipulative. Also, I am quick to blame myself and bear myself up over things. At one point I have to admit I was scared of her and I hate discord anyway...I am by nature a "fixer" (which she hates) She has god awful appalling rages if you cross her....we have several damaged doors in the house due to her slamming very violently....and she SHAKES with rage and virtually seems to self combust. Won't see anyone though re this but to me her rages are beyond normal anger. As a 14 year old up until the time she became involved with CAHMS her rages were almost like fits in that they would leave her exhausted and worn out. She doesn't really play the mental illness card, the opposite in fact , although she will play it a bit if it suits her. (could play it myself at times as I became ill a few years ago, although ok now, due to outside influences, her being one of them)

She thinks none of the things she has are privaleges...just normal things. Most of her friends have cars...bought for them unfortunately. Which isn't a normal thing I believe, though she seems to think it is.

[febel]

Forgot to say...she takes extreme glee in twisting and arguing like a lawyer to catch me out....manipulative again. Can I say, neither of my other two were like this although I know everyone is an individual I just find her very difficult to cope with and wonder what I am doing wrong. (lots according to her!)

[SleepyForest]

I think this stems from repeating a year at college. If she had passed her exams would she still be living at home? Half of her wants to be growing up, but the other half can't cope.

I'm sure you are a great mum. Mental illness is a bastard for families as well as the sufferer. Add a hellish teenager into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

[Clare1971]

Febel you could be describing my world with the very huge exception that, unless she's drunk, my daughter is fairly polite and sometimes can be friendly. On the whole I still enjoy her company. Even so I am often at the end of my tether, I have no idea how I'd manage if she was as unpleasant as yours can be (don't mean that to be rude). However, my DD (18 very soon) has fallen out of all education and work and sleeps most of the day. She also has been dating furiously via the internet and I have lost count of the boys she has been out with, frequently staying overnight. I actually viewed it for a time as just the next type of self harm. Our main problems come when she buys alcohol (used to steal it from us but we no longer keep any in the house) and I wake up to find her completely drunk. She also can become violent when drunk and we have had the police involved twice - once for threatened violence and once for going missing over night. It is definitely affecting my mental health. She is diagnosed as depressed but also has issues with eating (or not eating) and self harm both of which have ended up in A&E more than once. I cannot believe some of the things we have gone through in the last two years. Recently I am managing to detach myself a little more. DH and I went on a self harm course last year and I have just read a book on eating disorders both of which have helped me to stop blaming myself a bit - though not totally. I am trying to use a number of strategies now, mostly to ensure that I survive rather than to help her which seems an almost impossible task. This post has got a bit long now but I could PM you with a few of the thoughts I've had if you would like. Loath to put too much on a public forum.
NB - today I am feeling fairly calm. If you'd caught me on a different day I would be sounding far less together.

[febel]

Thank you claire 1971, thoughts would be useful i try not to let her get to/bother me (as someone once said to me, the teenager has won if their actions/words hurt you.) but it's hard...and I really don't like her lying....which she does because she doesn't like to be in the wrong/found out. She will even blame me (well I didn't put it there/use it..you must have...even when the item/empty container is in her room in full view!)

Things are calmer at the moment...until no doubt we have a nother stand up row cos she wants the car (Wednesday for canoeing, thursday for exercise class, other days for visits to friends...all q exhausting for me when I get in from work...I work with teenagers too so it's not a rest there although they are pretty nice on the whole...to me!) although when I got in from work yesterday, she had been off college all day..bad throat..to be fair she sounds awful... she was super nice then asked me that as she wasn't allowed to drive would it be ok if I gave her a lift (an hour's round trip) to her boyfriend's...and couldn't understand why I wouldn't!! She went on the bus..but got a lift/taxi back I think (didn't say a word when she got in at 10.30pm)

No, you are ok saying she sounds nasty, she can be if she can't get her own way or is found out. She can also be very nice if she wants something although she doesn't bother a lot of the time..we don't see a lot of her as in room/out. My brother says she has too much freedom, but as I said to him, what do I do...lock her in?! She is 18...and stronger than me, and she will barge or get out anyway (past history!)

Yes sleepyforest, I agree..although her choice to change courses and colleges. (extreme exam stress coupled with other stuff..and I think laziness cos the college day was long one as it was far away...again was her choice to go and we did warn her) I think her course is too easy for her and she feels left behind and bored. However, already worrying about university..she has unconditional offer to one she wants....can't talk about it though as she gets v stressed and anxious and erupts Don't even know if she has accepted offer..as I say...can't talk about it.

Thank you all....life is a roller coaster at times isn't it? Not with my older two particularly (who grew up with dial-up internet!) but with my youngest....does make me wonder if social media/internet/tv on demand has anything to do with the amount of mental health difficulties around in younger people. Although parents of teenage/young adults don't generally talk about it...but when they do the floodgates can open...there are a lot of people who are dealing with a lot of family problems these days I find.