Recently acquired teenager.

[Sofiatheworst]

This is my first post after being a lurker here for a long time.

Long story short I have recently gained residency of a 13 year old relative. I am child free myself, in my 20s and single with no immediate support and all in all I'm finding it tricky.

Today I have found out she's been smoking, and taking things belonging to me. I don't know why I'm posting really, I guess I'm just after some support off others who have children a similar age as I don't really know anyone with teenagers. I never did anything like this myself, but the 13 year olds mother has a long history of lying, stealing and drug taking and I guess I'm after any tips to make sure she doesn't go down the same track.

How would you react to this and what punishment should I put in place?

TIA

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

Maybe move this to Fostering/Adoption as I think your teen might have had a hard time compared to 'average' teens.

Very supportive over there

[Sofiatheworst]

Thanks!

[JustDanceAddict]

It's definitely worth reading a few 'teen' books like Divas and Doorslammers and Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me and Alex into Town to get an idea of how to deal with general and unwanted(!) teen behaviours.
And there must be some books on how to cope with adopted teens too. Good luck!

[Sofiatheworst]

Thanks, that's some great info. Going to post this in adoption now. It's a scary journey being a 'parent'

[Kbear]

perhaps start with the basic ground rules - reassuring her that you are happy she has come to live with you etc BUT you need to be able to trust each other (don't make it all about her) and your stuff is private, as is hers.

Teenage girls are never too old for a teddy to cuddle in their bed either, despite bravado.

[Kbear]

Remember she might push your buttons to see how you will react. Depending on the reasons for her now living with you, it might be she is waiting for you to shout or tell her off. Your early days together will set the tone for the next few months so tread carefully but be firm and you need to be the Mum.... rather than the big sis, I think, so she knows you are firm but fair.

Explain about the health risks of smoking and the fire risks to both of you if she doesn't put it out properly. No smoking inside the house ever. That's a given.

Oh and with teens you will never be right so prepare for that haha

[Soooosie]

Good fair boundaries deliver in a caring way and lots of love!

With the stealing drug taking, best to get her onside. Help her see things from a different perspective. She has a choice

[antimatter]

13 yo girls are thinking they know best yet despite their personality being pretty much fully developed they are still children.

She must have experiences some trauma during the period before you become her guardian.
Did she talk to you about it?
I don't know what kind of help you can ask for but I am sure there are organisations out there you can ask for assistance.

It must be hard for both of you. Does she talk to you about anything at all?

[Sofiatheworst]

Thanks for all your replies. Great advice and I've had some great advice over at adoption too so I feel more prepared to deal with these issues now. Teenagers are extremely frustrating!!