13dd year old lying and stealing

[mrscraig]

I am truly at my wits end with my almost 13 year old daughter. I just don't recognise her at the moment and feel like she is slipping away.

Over past six months I have found out that she has been taking money from my purse and now my dh's wallet, totalling around £100. To cut a painful story short, I did seek advice from the police, who wrote a stern letter to her and offered to visit her in a marked car, if it happened again.

Well, it has. She has screamed at me tonight that she hates me and will burn the house down if I contact the police again and they come to the house. I am too strict. She wants to live with my mum (good luck with that) and she envies her friends.

She just doesn't seem to 'get it' and how wrong her behaviour is. She thinks saying sorry (although not in any way acting sorry) is enough and she is then entitled to instant forgiveness.

I have removed her iPad and phone and boxed up make up, toiletries etc and put them in the attic for her to earn back. She also has a chart which lists jobs she can earn money for. At the moment she is paying back the last £40 she stole.

I am 99.9% certain she is not being bullied or blackmailed. Rather that it is an unbelievable sense of entitlement and trying to keep up with her friends who all obviously have so much more than her.

I am truly at my wits end with her. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship- if it was anyone else I could tell them to fuck off. I am beginning to feel like I despise her, then I absolutely hate myself for it.

She is a good girl at heart. She's getting on well at school academically but i think socially she struggles to find her niche. But the person she is turning into...I just don't recognise her.

Sorry this is so long. I don't know what I am aiming for this post to achieve but just need to offload and ask for advice about what you would do. I feel so so ashamed. I never thought the teen years would be like this. And she's still only 12!!

[Quoteunquote]

Sounds like she needs better friends, a load of confidence and the conversation about past you, present you and future you,

She needs to forgive her past person who behaved so badly, present her has to start doing stuff to make future her proud, help her break it down.

Is she involved in clubs outside school, friendship groups outside school stop them becoming over invested in one peer group approval.

pace yourself the teen period lasts a long time, keep her very busy and she will move on from this stage .

[mrscraig]

Thank you. I haven't heard that before. I love it.
The trick will be getting her to actually listen.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I liked the previous poster's post.

Regarding bullying I would just say, I found with girls it’s a lot harder to call out, because it’s often “friendly fire.” Girls within a friendship group, comparing stuff, ganging up on each other at different times.

[mrscraig]

Yes there is a lot of that with her group of 'friends ' it's like a merry go round in terms of who's out of favour next.
I am going to take the advice about widening her interests. I feel like I'm letting her down so badly at the moment.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Don't kick yourself when you're down, we often make it up as we go along, this job is tough!

Strong-willed, wilful teens don't always turn into monster teens and adults.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

I think you need to keep any money hidden - does she get pocket money? Does she have chance to earn money when not paying stuff back?

What does she spend the cash on?

Can you look at the house hold budget?

[mrscraig]

Yes she does get pocket money. She was spending the money on toiletries, make up, sweets...
At moment she's not getting pocket money as anything she earns is going on paying us back. She also lost her iPad and phone for time being and I've put all (but three products) away, again for her to earn back.
I think she has been taking things from her friends house as well, I've found three bras (!!) that don't belong to her and she's given me some half baked story about how they got put in her bag when her friend was clearing out her cupboard.
I called her bluff and said no problem I'll drop them round to her mum at the weekend and she went crazy, screaming and shouting about how embarrassing I am.
So I am pretty confident she has taken without asking. But she doesn't seem to equate this to stealing.
I really thought I had done a decent job of bringing her up with a sense of right and wrong but clearly not. She just doesn't seem to get it. I want to forgive her and move on but she behaves as if I'm hugely over reacting and doing this to get at her.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Make her take the bras back!

[mrscraig]

I did think that but then, if I do, her friends will know she steals which isn't exactly going to help her with her friendships. She has begged me not to do that because she's worried her friends will turn on her.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Actions/consequences

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

She does equate taking the bras with stealing otherwise she'd not bat an eyelid at returning them. Sometimes toddlers take what they fancy at playdates and try to bring things home. Well, she's past that stage but still expects you to clear up when she messes up. She is very vocal about you embarrassing her but really this is her shooting herself in the foot. Either she learns from this or she gets more desperate to fit in by any means.

Acquiring stuff isn't a magic passport to getting accepted.

[mrscraig]

I agree and it worries me so much. How can I help her with this?
Clubs have been suggested. She has generally had friendship issues and never really had or kept a 'best friend'.
She hates upsetting people and is very sensitive, obv this doesn't apply to her own mother though, but this behaviour is so out of character which is why I'm finding it so difficult and bewildering.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I think you have to go back to basics and unpick what is going on.
Although she's adamant she's not being bullied, it sounds like a confidence issue.
Her problem was x, her solution was y.
Is she trying too hard to fit in? What was the money spent on?
Is there any history between DD and the set of friends she has at school?
Are they manipulative - is she struggling to keep up? Is it that your DD isn't doing what they want her so they threaten no longer to be friends?
Or is it that she isn't necessarily after friendship but gets picked on and would like to be accepted and left in peace?

I may be barking up the wrong tree. Secondary school can be a social minefield.

I expect you prefer not to give too much away but you're not a teacher at the same school are you?

[mrscraig]

Thank you for your reply. It's very appreciated.

We had a long talk last night about friendships. And how envying what others have and believing they have more than you is not always the whole picture. I think it's struck her, she actually seemed to take what we said onboard. The implications of stealing on her present and future friendships also seemed to strike a chord. She has been given a clean slate but it's been made very clear what the consequences for that would be.

You're right, it is a mine field. I think social media plays a massive problem. There's no shut off is there and the way people present themselves is an opportunity to seek approval and also promote the person they want to be...some adults are just as bad for this, mind you!

No I don't work at her school. Thank god!
I will use your advice though at working on her confidence and broadening her interests.