please help; dd 13 sexting. Long sorry

(29 Posts)
oozlum Wed 27-Jan-16 02:45:04

Name changed for this

I can't sleep- me and dh are sitting down stairs wondering what the hell to do

On Sunday dd was moody and tearful. Eventually she told me that a boy she 'fancied' at school had sent her some dodgy texts and a photo. Prior to this she had told me she liked him and had sent him a friends request on facebook. This developed into them texting each other loads of times every day but nothing else- not seeing each other outside school etc

I looked at her phone with her beside me- lots of flirty banter from her and stuff from him that started to become sexual and the last one was a photo of him naked holding his erect penis shock He is 15

I was horrified and we had a long chat about boundaries, respect, relationships etc etc. She agreed that it had gone too far and she felt awkward. She deleted him from her phone, facebook etc

fast forward to today- she asked if she could stop back for art club- nothing new there and dh would pick her up later on. However she later asked if she could stop back until 6 as art club was extended . Agreed on 5

dh went to collect her and when they returned I could see he was bothered by something. Dd looked dishevelled- hair down, shoes covered in mud bra straps. He told me when she was out of the room that he didn't believe she had been to art club as her demeanour was different. I asked her if she had been to art club and she was adamant - looking me right in the eye...long, story about who was there, what she had done blah blah

We were suspicious so when she went to bed I had another look at her phone and saw all the new texts - her arranging to meet him at end of school field, all giggly flirty and sexual. They had obviously had a big snogging session with lots of groping- her touching his penis etc. Apparantly she has a love bite. Lots of jokes later from her when home about fooling us and arranging further meetings . It was only the fact that she was on her period that stopped them having sex sad

I feel bereft, sad and angry all at once. Dh angry and wanted to take a hammer to her phone. dd doesn't yet know we know

I don't know what to do- my stomach is in knots and I can't stop going to the loo as i am shiteing myself inside out

It only seems five minutes ago that she was oohing over her rabbit handbag...I am bloody distraught

What do we do?????

Ginny365 Wed 27-Jan-16 03:03:24

Ok, so 13yrs is too young for sex. She's not emotionally mature enough and it is against the law.
Firstly I would address the lying to you. Explain that she has violated your trust and that you will now be tightening the reins on where she is and who she is with. This will be your punishment for lying to you.

On the matter of the sexual activity. It sounds to me like your daughter is out of her depth here. The fact that she was initially distressed by the pictures this boy sent to her shows that she is not ready. I think you need to explain that at 13yrs she is too young for the speed at which this relationship is advancing. If this boy likes her he is not showing her that by the lack of respect he is showing her. She needs guidance through this stuff rather than anger (save that for the lying aspect of it!)

With the sexting I would be contacting the school. It is wrong for the boy to be sending pictures of his erect penis to her (obviously!) but he is also a child who is out of his depth if he thinks that it is acceptable. That image of him is now 'out there'. If an adult received that image they would be in possession of child pornography so it needs dealing with ASAP. Schools take this stuff very seriously. I would let them deal with him and contact his parents.

Lastly, the phone. Don't take it off her, if you do she may never show you anything on there which makes her uncomfortable again for fear of it being removed. BUT take control of the phone. You will need to know any passwords. It will be handed over to you the minute she walks through the door. She can have it for when she is out of the house but other than that it is accessible to you. She leaves it downstairs at night to be charged. This doesn't mean you have to be scrolling through it every minute (though I would be checking it every night for the moment, even if you do it when she is in bed) but for the moment it is an open book until your trust is re-established.

Right, so it's easy for me to lecture! My dd is almost 13yrs and we haven't been through this situation but I am basing my advice on experiences of friends with teenagers and also my job as a teacher (admittedly primary but I have attended courses on bullying and child safety - in regard to e-safety which encompassed both primary and secondary) - I hope some of it helps. Very good luck to you!

littledrummergirl Wed 27-Jan-16 07:00:20

What Ginny said. I think you also need to have a good talk about body autonomy, sexual health and contraception. A visit to family planning with her.
This does not mean you approve of her choice but will hopefully protect her from more long term consequences.

Fairylea Wed 27-Jan-16 07:19:09

Agree with everything Ginny said. My dd is 13 and I would be absolutely horrified. Luckily she is into playing minecraft with her best friend all the time and isn't interested in boys in the slightest yet.

I would come down on this like a ton of bricks, I would be letting her know I will be checking her phone and iPad regularly and she will be dropped off and picked up from anywhere with the understanding if she lies again she will be grounded for months.

My dd has to leave her iPad plugged in in the kitchen when she goes to bed (at 9pm) and she knows we check it regularly. She doesn't have to go to sleep at 9pm, she can read or watch DVDs on her portable DVD player (key - no wifi) but I'm not having her sit up all night messaging people.

Fairylea Wed 27-Jan-16 07:23:51

Personally I would also either get her to add you as a friend on Facebook or get her to give you her passwords.

Personally I don't let my dd have any type of social media account. I think it just opens them up to bullying and over sexualises them- I've been disgusted by some of the selfies friends her age post and the comments they receive. So it's a no from me. It has never caused issues with her friends, they all chat on iMessage (which we also check regularly). I know I seem harsh to other people but Im very laid back in other ways. I just don't like the whole online stuff for teens. The most tears she's ever been in was over stuff online.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wineandchovolateneededasap Wed 27-Jan-16 08:54:08

Poor you that must be so difficult flowers.
I'd remove her phone due to the lying and I'd inform the school.

specialsubject Wed 27-Jan-16 16:29:50

dear god. 13????? And no-one will ever convince me that sending that kind of imagery is normal because 'it is what they do now'. In the days of polaroid cameras it would not have been considered normal.

all that the others have said. And the usual warning that the odds are high that if they do have sex, he will tell the entire school that she is a slag.

mrsjskelton Wed 27-Jan-16 17:01:23

I'm pretty sure a teenage boy was put on the sex offenders register for sending a young girl a naked picture. I would inform school if he's at the same one and they can deal with him through his parents. I'm sorry you're having to go through this OP thanks

mrsjskelton Wed 27-Jan-16 17:03:48

Just to be clear - I'm in no way saying that he should be on the register - I'm just saying that I believe a teenager has been punished this way and he could do with knowing the potential consequences of his actions. He's a consenting male soon and she would be underage putting him even more at risk of a sexual conviction.

Wineandchovolateneededasap Wed 27-Jan-16 17:31:57

The above is true other children can also be arrested for distributing child pornography if he or she were to share the pictures with others.

BigSandyBalls2015 Wed 27-Jan-16 19:55:27

Jesus I'd be very pissed off at this 15 year old. What the hell is he thinking, with a 13 year old. Most year 10s/11s would never look at a year 8/9.

I've no idea what I would do in your situation, prob inform school. Have you spoken to your DD.

CrotchetQuaverMinim Wed 27-Jan-16 20:03:20

be aware, though, that just having her as a friend on facebook will in no way allow you to see/read all that she is doing on there! My friend thought that being friends with her teenage daughter was enough, but it was very easy for her daughter to share posts with only certain people, not including her mum; banter with people on their pages/posts, which her mum couldn't see as she wasn't friends with them; send private messages; make up new accounts with fake email addressed, etc. The only way to see what is going on is to actually have her passwords. (And check that she isn't logging out every time and possibly logging into a separate account that you don't know about).

I'd be informing the school too, about the photo being sent and making sure she knows that this is illegal - for her to have it, as well as for him to have sent it, and whether she really thinks someone can respect her if they are willing to put her in the position of doing something illegal (which can then lead on to age of consent issues).

I agree that it doesn't sound like she is ready or comfortable with any of this, if she was upset and worried by the initial photo, and might well be feeling out of her depth.

JustDanceAddict Thu 28-Jan-16 13:09:50

Everything that Ginny says. I would be in touch with the school concerning the boy's behaviour - sending a dick pic and also sexual activity on school premises. My DD is 13 as well and I would be mortified if she did anything like this, and I'd be pulling out all the stops so it didn't happen again, as well as making sure the boy in question is also stopped from hounding any more vulnerable girls.

Ginny365 Thu 28-Jan-16 17:02:27

oozlum how is it going?

Hamiltoes Thu 28-Jan-16 17:23:48

I was your DD 10 years ago.. And my mum came down on me like a tonne of bricks.

I'll be honest, in hindsight I can completely understand why she did what she did. But it utterly ruined our relationship for years and only fully recovered when I had my own daughter. It stopped me from thinking of her as a safe person I could go to, and instead I hid even more from her and became even more secritive with all the other typical teenage situations that come in later years.

iMatter Thu 28-Jan-16 17:31:05

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

If you inform the school (which I think you probably should) will they inform the police?

Ginny365 Thu 28-Jan-16 18:02:42

Hamiltoes - did you feel ready for a sexual relationship at 13yrs old? How would you have wanted your mum to handle it?

Hamiltoes Thu 28-Jan-16 20:26:50

Of course I did at 13, 13 year olds think they know better than anyone! Now of course I wish I had waited.

Maybe a little less severely than she did. I expected punishment but she wasn't really interested in me learning a lesson from it. I was grounded for a month, no phonecalls or contact with friends.

When he (boy in question) didn't speak to me again at the time I thought it was my mums fault, because she had cut off all means of contact. Now of course I know he had no intention of speaking to me anyway. I think it would have been a harder, but much more valuable lesson to learn that for myself at 13 and have a close adult to talk all that through with.

I remember it being quite hard to think the boy you "loved" had dumped you, your mum was ashamed/ disgusted by you, and all your friends were out while you were stuck alone in your room. Very isolating. And it didn't stop me in future.

I guess what I'm saying to OP is obviously punish the lying, but try to put yourself into her shoes and make sure that she learns a lesson from the other bits. She will most likely think shes as mature as shes ever going to be, and its you who are being naive. Also, although looking back now we can see teenage love for what it is, at the time that is real love.

I think my biggest fear for my own DD when she is a teen is her having a problem and feeling like she can't come to me. Obviously down to personal experience but I think "coming down like a tonne of bricks" as pp suggested ultimately doesn't solve and problems and only leads to more.

biscuitz72 Thu 28-Jan-16 23:49:59

Hope things went okay if you decided to talk to her about it.

I'd be terrified too, and hurt by the lying involved.

All you can do is reiterate that you don't feel she is ready for a physical relationship. Apart from being underage her reactions previously show she wasn't comfortable.

At this age it's difficult to make a stand or be the odd one out, especially if you like someone, but if he was genuine he would wait until she's much older; and certainly wouldn't pressurise her into sex.

I also think that you need to involve the school; if only for them to contact his parents and explain the trouble he could potentially be in. Good luck with it all and I hope things work out for the best. What you're going through is every parent's worst nightmare.

oozlum Sun 31-Jan-16 18:03:05

hello everyone; thanks for all the helpful advice. Sorry I've not been able to reply sooner but the toilet visits turned out to be the worse case of D&V I've had on a long time. Grim

We've had a bumpy few days. Morning that we talked to her about it was horrible. Lots of shouting, screaming tears and tantrums. Didn't help with me having to run bathroom every five minutes and we all felt wretched.

Took her phone from her and banned all screen time and then sat and had a proper chat and a proper look at her phone. Not quite as bad as I though earlier and the comment that 'it was only the fact that she was on her period stopped them having sex' was my slant on things- not what he/she had said.

DD said that she hasn't seen his naked penis . just brushed it accidently when they were cuddling!!!!

More talk from me, about safe sex, being ready for sex, contraception , respectful behaviour, responsibilites blah blah. She cried and hugged me and said that she regretted lying. I told her I would rather know about 'stuff' than hiding it and fibbing

Agreed that we wouldn't contact the school regarding the photo. He wrote a letter to her apologising for taking and sending it to her. He doesn't know we have seen it

After talking things over with my dh we suggested that she ask him over. He came over yesterday and they watched a film, went to the shop for sweets etc. Dh managed to not take him in the garage and remove his liver

Christ...I don't know if I've done the right thing or what

lalalonglegs Sun 31-Jan-16 18:54:26

I've not been in this situation as my daughter is a bit younger (and at an all-girls school) but I'm a bit surprised that you invited the boy over. I think he behaved horribly -albeit, maybe normally in the context of his friendship group - and you have tacitly sanctioned that by making him welcome in your home. I think that does send quite mixed messages.

Apologies, I know you are between a rock and a hard place but I don't understand your reasoning.

oozlum Sun 31-Jan-16 19:02:59

Christ..have we got it all wrong sad sad

did it so as not to demonise him, and for things to be more 'normalised' and not hush hush and secret and exciting. Felt that by banning him then she would lie and be deceiptful

Cleensheetsandbedding Sun 31-Jan-16 19:09:36

Op I was just 14 when I met dd1 dad. He was 15. He was excepted in to our home as my parents beileved they could keep an eye on us. I was pregnant at 15.

What really should have happened is that after they had found out it had turned sexual we should have been stopped from seeing each other. One of my parents should have spent hours talking to me, watching me and spending time with me to refocus me on my studies ect..

No way would I be letting these two near each other. He is pushing the boundaries with her sexually already - inviting him in your home is just letting him have another avenue to pursue her. She is 13. She has years ahead for boyfriends. I really don't think this is ok at. He is sending pornographic pictures of himself (which he can get in serious trouble for by the police) to your 13 year old child and your opening the door to him. I'd rethink and I'd be going in to the school ASAP

nephrofox Sun 31-Jan-16 19:20:51

I think you're doing the right thing by not demonising him.

Maybe have a quiet word with him to say you know about the pic and are keeping an eye on him. Make it very clear you know how old he is and the consequences of a 16 yr old being sexual with a child are severe

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