Teen Slow to get up

[Tarkadelphis]

My daughter 15 is slow to get up and often misses the bus. (I have to lose money as I drive her when she misses the bus and boss docks my wages) She can go out with dirty trousers or unwashed hair. She is working hard at exam study (really she is) and always finds it difficult to wash hair etc. on top of this she demands we do not enter her floor (top floor of town house). My Wife is getting really angry and I want peace in the house. how can I hurry her up? get her clean? Is this normal?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

1- don't drive her - if she misses the bus she has to be late and feel the consequences
2- is she depressed? If not, she can work out for herself that not washing = social suicide and will start washing
3- until she pays the rent she doesn't get to exclude you from her floor (wtf how does she have a floor)

[TheSecondOfHerName]

Encourage her to wash her hair in the evening and get everything ready for school before she goes to bed.

Stop rescuing her if she misses the bus. Let her face the consequences.

Agree to stay out of her space if she cleans it herself and keeps it in a tidy / clean state.

I have a 15 year old, so I do sympathise.

[MaisieDotes]

Stop driving her would be my first piece of advice. What's her incentive to get up and go if she knows she'll get a lift?

DD is 14 and can be like this, although if she misses her train it's- tough, wait for the next one. She did have detention last term for being late 3 times so she's been better since then.

At the same time I do call her every morning, nag about washing the night before and make sure she has clean uniform and gym stuff etc. Same with hair washing- this is a priority over TV or anything else (she showers in the evening).

Not letting you up to "her floor" is not acceptable IMO, unless she is somehow contributing the relevant amount to the household finances? I do knock before entering DD's room but that's it.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

A lot of teenagers do go through times when hormonally they are experiencing something very similar to depression.

Make sure she's eating enough, sleeping enough and is warm enough and that her floor is not damp or moldy, that it is reasonably tidy and clean.

If that isn't doing it, and she isn't underweight, sleep deprived or battling with other difficulties, check for late night internet use, alcohol or drug use, any recurring infections or medical issues. A check up with the GP to screen for low vitamin D, iron, zinc, etc might be good.

[AdoraBell]

As the others have said. Mine are 14 and currently my lovely neighbour takes them in the morning. If DD delays neighbour she has to walk and cannot get there on time.

As for you being banned from her floor, that only happens once her name is on the deeds/rental contract. But it needs to be done with encouragement rather than confrontation. If DW can't manage mornings without getting angry could you take over?

[Tarkadelphis]

Thanks everyone.

We are worried she does not care about about dirty trousers or hair - She has an opinion that it does not matter only the mind and intelligence matters. my Wife is very conscious of the way our daughter looks, if we leave her she will just dress like a scarecrow. That is mainly why my wife gets annoyed. Any further ideas?

for the other issues - My action plan will be

1. implement knock and enter policy
   
2. stop rescue driving
   
3. check with Doctor about unable to wakeup

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Is she on the internet half the night? I discovered my 14 year old DD was updating facebook etc at 2am, and she's now agreed to leave her phone downstairs at night.

As for showering, how about encouraging her the night before, there's usually no time in the mornings.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

One of my DDs goes through similar phases with being unkempt. I don't let it bother me too much. It's a phase. Try to get past that and find out more about your daughter's values, opinions, and thoughts about who she is and what is important to her. Also, what she finds difficult.

[mummytime]

Okay I think your wife may have the problem.
You now have a teenager, not a little girl, so she can no longer be dressed up like a doll. How dirty are the trousers? Worn a couple of times? Covered in visible stains? Or really stinky?
Most teens in my experience try something on for 5 minutes and then it's in the washing, but if faced with a very fussy mother they may go to the other extreme.

You need to look carefully, is she rebelling or is she depressed.

The floor thing is ridiculous, you need to go there to puts stuff away, retrieve stuff and maybe tidy/clean a bit. Tell her if it's spotless you will just do a surface check, but if it's messy you will do more.

But teens do need space and to be allowed to make their own choices.

[Tarkadelphis]

Hmm maybe mum does need to back off a bit, but I do hope it is only a phase. I think food stains on trousers is letting things go to far, especially as she has 3 identical trousers available. And greasy hair is horrible.
I will try to talk to everyone tonight and say we will back off if Daughter will try to be cleaner. but we both find it hard to let daughter go out dirty.

[lljkk]

She's not a jihadi, pregnant, ASBO bearing, cutting-self or dealing drugs. Let her have dirty hair & be grateful that's the worst of it.

the more she can do the night before the better the next day.

If it helps... my teen started running a mile every morning. Up early to do that has transformed his whole morning, no troubles leaving on time now. He wants to go into military so he knows being fit is important. Lots more energy for everything, I notice. Being fit makes you brainier, your DD cares about being brainy, so tiny chance your daughter would see the value in being up early to run, too.

[mummytime]

It's her hair. Sorry.

[fatmumma]

My teen DD is mostly the same as your DD, OP.

She goes out with greasy unwashed hair, I turn a blind eye. Just like the toddler years, choose your battles wisely and IMHO, this isn't one of them.

She walks to go school and I can only assume she is never late as I have to go to work and can not wait until I know she is ready, so leave the house before her. (Her younger brothers go to the same school and leave 15 mins before her!) I find this hard to cope with as opposite of my personality, eg; airports say arrive 2 hours before departure, I arrive 3 hours early! - But I continue to bite my tongue.

Because she has been getting up so late, she hasn't been leaving herself enough time to have breakfast in the mornings, and sometimes not having her anti-epilepsy medication. This has all been a bit worrying for me, and we did have some battles around the medication. Anyway after several failed attempts to make her see sense, I backed down about eating breakfast and yesterday she fainted at school. Teachers all fussed over her as they thought she might be having a seizure, but no, was caused by her not eating breakfast. She now has a graze on her cheek where she hit the floor, and lo and behold she got her own breakfast this morning without me even mentioning it!!!

Moral of the story, cut her some slack, let her make mistakes so she can learn from them... Teenage years are learning about being an adult and taking responsibility for yourself.....

Sorry if this last bit sounds harsh, but I would not let her demand you can not come onto her floor. Who are the adults in the house? DD is stringing you along a merry dance ......

[JustDanceAddict]

My kids have to get up early to get their school bus, if they don't they miss it and there is no direct bus to their school otherwise. They'd have to get two and then be late. I would never drive them in unless we had pre-arranged it for some other reason. We are nice and drive them to the bus stop which is about a 5 min round trip as it's cold and dark at 7.30am in the winter - DH goes to work straight from there if he does it. This buys them a bit of extra time - could that be a solution for you? Also, she should get everythign ready the night before - clothes laid out, bag packed,homework in bag, etc. so she doesn't faff in the morning. Makes a big difference.
Sometimes DD (13) doesn't have time to wash her hair, it's very dry and can look like a haystack if she doesn't get to wash it, but then she puts it up if necessary.
My daughter is also on an upstairs floor away from us, but I certainly am allowed to go into her room(!) If her door was shut I would knock for privacy's sake, but if I felt something odd was going on, I'd want to talk to her about it in the first instance.
Def keep tech out of her room at night if you think she may be online til the early hours.

[AdoraBell]

Why do you and her mum not want her going out dirty?

I'm not saying greasy hair is good, but is it more about you/DW than DD?

With my DD, and myself as a teen, the more pressure to conform to parent's expectations, the more days between showers/hair washing.