Daughter and gap year

[linda1756]

My daughter is 18 and will be turning 19 in October. She wants to take a gap year in order to have a job and 'save money' for university. She also wants to live with her boyfriend during this time. Do I make her go to uni?

[Akire]

She's an adult you can't make her do anything... You can point out that the typical job she could get and the pay she would get plus what it would cost in rent and living expenses and presuming she not be saving every penny and be having a social life. How much could she really save? Does she understand how much it costs to run a home or is she thinking her wages will be all she can save?

[linda1756]

Her boyfriend seems to earn quite a lot but to me is a bit of a dead-end. Nice boy but not my cup of tea. He would beable to provide for her and yes she would save but what if she decides she doesn't want to go to university? I don't want her ending up in a dead-end job! I'd rather she went abroad for work or travelling in her gap year rather than staying with him.

[Soooosie]

Say yes to a gap year but request she lives with you so she can save properly. She won't be able to save much living with boyfriend.

But also gap years are about travel and/or work experience too.

[Soooosie]

Maybe suggests that she lives with you but stays overnight with him two nights a week.

[Akire]

would she be moving away to go to uni? They both probable want to be together so can understand the gap year idea lets her see how they feel in a years time. If he is the right one it can work, but would hope he would see it's better for her to go to uni than get a dead end job. does she have a passion about a career? Or is she thinking I don't know what I want to do so could get any job instead?

[linda1756]

I don't want her living with him full stop... I'm afraid she'll end up wanting to stay with him and not go to university.

[linda1756]

Yes she would probably end up moving 2 hours + away. She's been with him for 3 years so I understand but don't want it to continue when she could be in university. She wants to go to uni but isn't sure what course she wants to do.

[BackforGood]

Well, you can talk to her about the financial realities of paying rent / utilities / phone / travel / council tax/ insurances/ general other living expenses from a low wage, and the fact that if she does that she's not likely to be able to save, but you can't make her go to university if she doesn't want to.

[ImperialBlether]

I would stress the excitement of going off on a gap year. I'd stress the expenses involved in living in a flat. I'd stress how exciting it is to be at the start of her adult life.

My daughter spent her gap year (well, six months) in Canada. She went on a gap year ticket and met the others on the plane and spent six months with them.

It's so hard, isn't it?

[Akire]

I think the only thing you can do is try and inspire her to really get a course and job that she will happily go and do. Easier said than done though. But a year of not working or in some boring job could equally do the trick.

[notquiteruralbliss]

Your daughter is an adult. You can't really dictate who she has a relationship with. And, if she doesn't know what course she wants to follow, she isn't ready to apply to uni.

[linda1756]

She's not lacking in ambition, she's just unsure and doesn't want to pick the wrong course. Ultimately, shouldn't I have the final say? I've told her she's not allowed to move in with her boyfriend. As far as I'm concerned the only thing I'll allow her to do on a gap year is travel or go abroad! As long as she's as far away as possible from that boy!

[Soooosie]

Working is also valuable to widen her experience

[Akire]

You are being the responsible parent of course your say should count. But she be 19 and fully able to leave home and do what she likes.

If however you are funding her Uni course and living expenses then of course you can lay the law down on what she can or cannot do while you continue to support her. If she's funding it all her self then there's not much bargain power you have other than disapproval. You sound a great mum I'm sure it's really frustrating situation

[senua]

Can you explain logistics a bit more. It seems like she is in Y13. So she has done all the UCAS application stuff? Has she applied for deferred entry? Or applied for 2016 entry and is now thinking asking for deferral to 2017?

The University will want to see a bit of application and relevance to the Gap year. So getting her to talk through with you what she will say to them might focus her a bit.
Also, is bf the only influence in her life? Won't she have friends who will be off to University - seeing them broaden their horizons might remind her to stay on track.
If she is unsure then a gap year is a good idea. Gives her a year to become more mature.

[BackforGood]

Well no, actually you don't get the final say. She's an adult.

Yes, while they are still young, it's nice to hope you can help to steer them in a sensible direction, but it's not for you to "allow" or "not allow" an adult to do things. Persuasion and inspiring her will get you a lot further than trying to dictate to her.

and before I'm asked, yes, I have 1 dc at University and 1 in 6th form so do know how hard it is to watch them, as young adults, do things so differently from the way you think best.

[Lightbulbon]

If she moves in with him I can't see her leaving in a year to go to uni.

Are there unis close or would she have to move away?

Have you been through prospectuses with her/been to open days?

She's an adult you can't dictate but try to focus on the good aspect s of uni rather than you not liking the BF.

[senua]

Don't go in heavy-handed - it will backfire and make it more likely that she will flee to the arms of bf. Ask her to explain. If she cannot make a convincing case to you then she might (with luck) dissuade herself. Treat her like an adult and she might behave like one.

Can you involve someone else so it's not just a mother/daughter dingdong. One of her sensible friends, maybe?

[linda1756]

She has applied for 2016 entry, but is now considering deferral to 2017.
The boyfriend is a lovely lad and she spends a lot of time with him (they've been doing boxing together for the last 3 years). He has a lot of influence on her but he wants her to go to university as well, but she isn't so sure. Her friends are off but she hasn't appeared to care as of yet.
Thank you all for the wonderful advice by the way, it truly puts it into perspectice!

[linda1756]

I'm actually quite scared she'll do the same thing as her mother and end up married at 20! I think I try too hard to push her into not doing what I did!

[senua]

She wants to go to uni but isn't sure what course she wants to do.
She has applied for 2016 entry, but is now considering deferral to 2017.

It sounds to me that not going in 2016 would be a good idea. It is going to cost her £9000 pa in tuition fees and another 7/8000pa in living expenses. It is a very costly mistake to make these days, she needs to be sure about the course and the University.

Why is she going to University? - because she needs to, to get the job of her dreams; or because it's what you unthinkingly do these days. Has she considered a different route instead eg apprenticeship.

You are worrying about her future but concentrating on one small part of it (University - yes or no; entry - 2016 or 2017). Have a chat about the bigger picture, ask her what her plans are (long term, medium term(5 yrs), immediate)

[specialsubject]

she wants to get real job experience and save money, rather than going off on a long holiday?

Where's the issue? I get that you don't like the boyfriend, but you don't get to choose. Just lay down some ground rules; remind her that if he gets tired of her she'll be homeless, ask her to show you her understanding of the costs of real life and how she intends to save money given that.

and the importance of belt-and-braces contraception...

[NerrSnerr]

You can talk to her about her options but she'll be an adult so it's up to her what she does. You'll only push her away if you tell her she's not allowed to do what she wants.