Extreme behaviour I am seriously at the end of my tether :(

[Wineandchocolateneededasap]

DD nearly 15 has been difficult since puberty. She sees camhs but won't engage enough for them to be of any help. She literally can't deal with boundaries, she has always had them and I don't give in but she still throws the same reaction every time I say no. She has started lying that I have agreed to things I haven't (and know I haven't) then going mad when I say no I never agreed. When I say no she instantly cries, throws things about, kicks her doors, breaks her stuff then texts me hundreds and hundreds of times. The content of her texts are manipulative and mainly emotional blackmail.
So for instance tonight we were getting along fine all day, went for lunch, watched a film then she says "I'm going to X's house now for a sleepover" I say "No you haven't asked its school tomorrow" (X lives miles away and goes to another school, DD is not good at school needs sleep!) she insists I agreed today, I didn't. So for the last four hours she has been throwing the contents of her room down the stairs, kicking doors, screaming as if she's being attacked and jumping up and down on the spot (whole bloody house shaking). Her texts are constant how I never loved her, love ruining her life, she will do something stupid if I don't give in, she's running away, she's having a panic attack, she's going to harm herself , she needs space so is going, she hates living with me, she hates me I'm evil so on and so forth.
We have had a lovely day but loads of days end like this she tells me she's doing something if I don't agree this happens. It lasts hours and hours and hours! Does anyone else have this? I hate ending days like this I'm permanently exhausted with the dramas. It's like a toddler tantrum but way worse.

[linda1756]

My daughter has gone through the same thing. Funnily enough she met this boy who made all the difference. She's become very calm. Sometimes an outside perspective (such as a cousin or an auntie) is helpful. Taking a phone away always calmed mine down! Speak to her, ask her what's really going on x

[Wineandchocolateneededasap]

What's going wrong is the word no she's always taken it badly but her reactions just get worse and worse.
She has in the time since I posted ran away as I wouldn't give in. By run away she ran outside then screamed "your making me do this you bitch it's your fault it's raining, if you don't say yes I'll go" then came back in broke my Hoover and clothes airer and pushed me. She will be fine in the morning but won't apologise or talk about it. My poor neighbours must curse us.

[SparkleSoiree]

How does she get on at school?

[linda1756]

I'm feeling very shocked that you can take such behaviour! What a difficult situation... Have you considered getting her to go to a martial arts class? Such as boxing or taekwondo? A very good way to release energy and negative feelings.
Be approachable. Sit her down and give her a cuddle. Let her let it out. I obviously don't know your Daughter well enough but teens can act irrationally when they feel worried. My mother used to let me throw old mugs at the patio floor, that helps!

[Soooosie]

Ask her to text you ALL trigger questions so you can both have a written record of what's been asked and your answer.

If she fails to text you a trigger question and later pretends you've agreed to something. She won't have written evidence that you've actually agreed and therefor can't do x

[Soooosie]

Also she needs to move her body! Walking and
Sport can help deeply

[Wineandchocolateneededasap]

I can't take the behaviour anymore. She is "at risk of permanent exclusion" shw is just the same at school. If things are fine she's lovely but if she's told no or challenged (even in a minor way eg "X please stop talking") this temper flares and she cries, screams, makes threats and runs.

[ImperialBlether]

Linda, frankly, that is victim blaming.

[linda1756]

Well it's better to get an understanding of what's going on inside a child's head than to go nutty! It sounds like this lady is doing her very best. I'm only trying to suggest what I did with my child at that age.

[Wineandchocolateneededasap]

We have a good relationship, till I don't agree to something. She is very open with me about friends, relationships and her general life. She has quite a few fall outs as she is like this a lot. She has to be in control and it can drive her friends mad. Sometimes I feel really sorry for her, it is clear she is struggling with her MH but I can't agree to everything no matter how bad it gets. Her requests are often completely out of the question financially and morally, i can't always agree with her, even if life might be less dramatic!

[Wineandchocolateneededasap]

Today we had a lovely day full of chats it can turn just like that. It is as I said much like a massive toddler tantrum you can't reason with her or get through to her when she is in that zone but equally it's hard to ignore her as she's in your face.

[Lucked]

I think the not admitting to it is an issue I would have to address first . I would have to sit her down and demand an apology. I would probably write down bullet points such as broken Hoover, pushing you, disturbing the peace.

Is there any punishment? She can't disturb life like this and there be no consequences. I wouldn't have seen my friends for at least a month if I had behaved like that never mind chores and having to pay for damage.

[Audreyhelp]

I used to have a daughter like that , then she fell in love it all changed.
It's so hard just try and ignore which is easier said than done.

[hippowithsuncreen]

Op I am in a very similar situation only mine is entirely fine behaviour wise at school , holds it in all day (she hates school) and explodes at home time.
We have tried martial arts, she is good at it but now she goes to kick me too

I too am waiting to see Camhs and at my wits end.

[fessmess]

I feel your pain op. Our teenage dd is very similar, being told no or a different time to come home etc. "Punishment" per se doesn't work with our daughter, she just becomes even more furious and unbearable. This is not to say she "gets away with it" either. If she breaks anything she pays for it or makes amends. It's more about consequence than punishment. She still doesn't like it but it's more accepted by her. Also, when your child behaves in this way you KNOW it's not normal and is beyond their control. Overall they need help not punishment.

[Wineandchocolateneededasap]

I'm pleased I'm not alone but sorry you are having a shit time to. It becomes something I'm to ashamed to discuss in RL with friends and family. I almost feel like I'm being emotionally abused by her, as pathetic as that sounds.

[fessmess]

Christ I get the emotional abuse thing. I told her, in a calm moment, that if she was my husband I'd have left her months ago. In fact I'm off work atm as I am so stressed by it all I can't go in without crying. Main battle atm is going to school, she's missed so much, which is so worrying in the middle of mock gsces.

[Footle]

It doesn't sound pathetic at all - it's an accurate description.
My son refused school at 15. If anyone said "why don't you just make him go ?" I didn't take the conversation any further - some people can't imagine the experience you're going through.

[fessmess]

Yes Footle and the judgments people make about your parenting skills. The emotional blackmail, the "I want to die" statements. I defy anyone to walk away from that and "not give in to it." Which is what I got told.

[hippowithsuncreen]

'I told her, in a calm moment, that if she was my husband I'd have left her months ago.'

Yup I left my abusive husband but dds behaviour to me is massively worse.

In a moment of anger I told her to stop being a cow She now uses this against me despite her calling me pathetic, selfish, don't care about anyone but myself and brought her violence on myself.

I have had an awful morning with her today. Utterly at wits end.

[hippowithsuncreen]

Just to add dd was tiny when I left and doesn't see him so its not like she is even copying hids behaviour.

[fessmess]

No hippo I don't think mine's copied this from anyone either. Yes, I lost it over Christmas and screamed at her. Not a proud moment but this is thrown at me during every argument. She's still allowed to call me a fucking cunt on a regular basis however.

[fessmess]

It's also the affect it has on rest of family that's difficult to manage. When you're all under the cosh there's no-one to stay strong and help anyone else. You just all slide down together. Found myself wishing I'd never had kids the other day, really meant it for about 30 seconds. Another tough thing is they scream at you to leave them alone and then want you to drop everything and rescue them when they're having a panic attack. Sometimes I want to shout "make your mind up, should I drop everything and be there JUST FOR YOU or should I fuck off and kill myself?" (One of her favourites that one.)

[fessmess]

Only advice I can offer op is stay strong and ride it out. So many older mums I know speak of similar behaviour (perhaps not QUITE as extreme) but their teens have come out the other side. Like all phases this will pass, apparently! My weakness is gin, I have decided to knock it on the head for a while as I'm drinking more and more to try and cope.

[fessmess]

Oh wine I get the not telling people in rl. It's exhausting pretending all's ok isn't it??