Advice needed please, DD stealing again(34 Posts)
She's 16, and has been caught stealing from us twice, the first time was 80.00, the second was maybe 20.00, not sure exactly as it was all pound coins. The first time, she was warned I would involve the police If it happened again, and so the second time I took her to the station and they gave her a talking to
yesterday she took another pound. I gave her all day to tell me she'd taken it, so when she didn't I asked her about it. she burst into tears protesting her innocence, I hate you, you never believe me, I didn't take it, etc
I have taken away her devices until she admits it, and she will admit it quicker without devices, but where do I go from there?
Have you any idea why she's doing it? You're obviously sure she took the pound yesterday but that's a tiny amount compared to what she's taken before?
she's doing it because she's skint, won't get a job, won't do chores for money, and seems to be an opportunist thief, as that is the pattern. and yes I am certain she took it.
when I asked her why on the previous occasions, she said, because I'm saving up!
I know this sounds petty and childish, but sometimes children only understand if you show them what they're doing. You can explain till the cows come home, and they will understand the logic, but it just doesn't click.
So when she steals, steal from her and ask her how she feels and how she thinks the situation would be best resolved. ie, you each give back what you've taken, not that she says sorry and you return her stuff and she keeps the money!
Then she might get it.
I would return the devices when she returns the pound.
steal from her? I don't know about that, but I know she would be furious! I'll see what dh thinks to that one.
She went straight upstairs last night, and gave me the pound back "out of her savings" but whilst still denying it was her.
I still have the devices, for lying.
It might be as a last resort, taking some thing of hers until she replaces your money, might be what gets her to realise what a disrespectful thing it is she's doing, that's what I mean.
I know it sounds mad and extreme, but to me it's the act of surreptitiously sneaking in to my bag to pinch something, knowing it's not on, knowing it's not theirs to take, knowing they'll get in trouble, that pisses me off. Can you tell I have experience?!
Anyway, I think you're right to hold onto the devices, for the lying.
Personally I'd sell her things like tablet, tv etc to get the money back that she's stolen.
Ds (9) downloaded a couple of apps without asking hid he could spend the money. He had to give me the money back from his pocket money savings. He was gutted but I don't really care.
Thanks! Yes you do sound like you've experience of it Doom, is that what you did - nick their stuff?!
It's not the money. If she'd asked me for a bloody pound I'd have given her it! It's the lying and absolute denial that pisses me off. And insulting my intelligence that I can't tell if a quid is missing!
Choice, the other dd does that, buys apps! They are so annoying!
sell the gadgets. Gone for good. That's what happens when you get robbed.
She stole the money 36 hours ago, and we're no further on. I have been sat in the same room as her most of the evening, and she hasn't even mentioned it. I'm really quite surprised at the stubbornness, as she has no devices so no internet connection, but yet she's still holding out.
What are your thoughts please?!
Yes although maybe not laptop if she needs it for school/college. Sell her phone (assume she had a smart phone worth a bit). If you're worried about her not having a phone get her a really crap embarrassing basic phone
The phone is on a two year contract. I would dearly love to get rid of all the devices from my house.
She came clean last night. Said she took the pound because she was hungry. I said she could have asked me if she could take the money, or made a sarnie, and pointed out that she has money upstairs if she wants extra, but said she was saving up.
She also said that her friend regularly steals up to £20 from her mum, and gets away with it, but she can't even steal a measly pound and get away with it. Ffs, I give up.
You could still buy a shit phone and put the contracted sim in it and sell her smart phone.
So because her friend steals off her mum it means she can?! Sorry that's just not on. I stole 30p out of my mums piggy bank once for a hot chocolate at school and she went daft. It doesn't matter how much it's the fact she's taken it.
At first I thought everyone was being a bit harsh about selling her stuff but after that comment I definitely would.
Unfortunately yes, a fiver a week. It's not enough for her to be able to live the life she wants, but won't do any paid chores, or get a job.
Can I put another sim in an iphone?
And I agree pixie, the sum stolen is almost irrelevant
She's obviously being a brat, and all bets are off after the way she's reacted.
But with hindsight- maybe £5 a week isn't enough? I don't know about where you live, but there are very few, if any, jobs available to 16 year olds round here. And £5 doesn't go very far.......
I had my first job at 16. Loads and loads of people work at 16 instead of stealing or getting pocket money I would be just cutting that money off completely. She doesn't deserve it! You want things, get a job.
As a previous Local Authority foster carer I was obliged to give 16 year olds around £30 a week for pocket and clothing money, so roughly £15 a week pocket money for no chores........My own children received somewhat less than this but £5 hardly covers a bus ride to town and a burger with friends. IME pinching money often starts when they actually start 'needing' more money, do you think your daughter could have started smoking? drinking at parties? Does she receive money for clothes? Totally agree with it being unacceptable to just take from someone else but it may help to find out if there is something underlying the stealing. In my area in the SE it's almost impossible for a 16 year old to get a job, the jobs got to the Uni students who can be more versatile in the day time
Many thanks for the replies, very much value others opinions.
I agree that £5 isn't enough and its deliberate really! She used to get £8 a week, and for that she was expected to do one or two basic chores, but she was very upset with that arrangement, as she doesn't see why she should do chores for 'nothing'. She was a nightmare. I know, I know. Bear in mind that she has an autistic sister that can't do what she can. So with her agreement we reduced it to £5 per week, and any more money she wanted, she could earn herself by choosing chores from the list. One example is wash and clean my small car for £10. She did it once but decided it wasn't worth the effort for £10. Her sisters pocket money was reduced too to make it fair, and she never even complained.
She also gets £30 per month clothing allowance, and I pay half of her phone contract.
She has until 1st Feb to get a job (she agreed in November she would get one, there are loads round here and all her friends have jobs), or I will be getting her a volunteering job. She has done absolutely nothing to get one, even though I have been pro active and been out sussing them out for her. I have already found her a volunteering position if need be.
Yes she goes out to parties, she drinks, but never takes her own, she smokes I think, but again, won't buy her own. She owes me for Xmas still, so no pocket money til Feb, although she could do jobs to repay quicker. the clothing allowance will still stand.
The bottom line is, she is a lazy girl, I mean really lazy. Her sister works for 9 or 10 hours volunteering every Sunday without fail, getting her hands mucky, getting cold and messing with animals, but she says that doesn't count as she enjoys it!!
Her sister also does dog walks for people who are elderly etc, sometimes they pay her, sometimes they don't, but again even though she's doing something, it doesn't count as she enjoys it!!
Sorry to sound harsh but I think you simply need to be tougher
Is she getting the fiver just for being fabulous? I think pocket money should all be earned - if she had to earn that fiver she might value it more.
I think I'd reduce the clothes allowance too tbh. Or end it. She's taking the piss and this argument about her friends stealing is utter stupidity. Tell her your friends steal back from their kids, don't give them pocket money at all etc., therefore by dd's logic, it's ok for you to do the same. Right?
I think you should get military on her arse, give her nothing, make her learn the value of money earned, and tell her you're doing this because you don't want her to turn into some sad sap who doesn't know how to support herself and you end up supporting her in her forties. Because that would be embarrassing for you both.
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