Coping with teen dramas AND being blamed by DH for it all.......(4 Posts)
Hi, I am 'coping' with a 13yr old DD at the moment (not to mention DS 17yr) and feel totally mentally, physically and emotionally worn down. I don't feel like I've got anything else to give, all my energy has gone.
DH has often blamed me for 'situations' or 'dramas' when I have tried to discipline them eg 'that's enough computer time now, you've had it on for hours, it's late ten more mins and it's time to put it away please'....cue the drama, I know many on this thread have 'got the tee-shirt' Most of the time in these situations I either get no support or contradiction of my methods from DH eg told I'm being 'too controlling' let them decide when to put it away, go bed, bother to have a wash or brush their teeth...etc etc.
Anyhow, the other morning DD gets up for school and as soon as she's sees me in kitchen she starts snapping at me and giving me bad attitude (DH was upstairs). She was making a drama out of a situation with a girl at school where there didn't need to be one (it was simple over she needed to go and buy her a bag of sweets for her birthday). Although I felt upset about the way she spoke to me I kept calm, tried to offer a solution and calm her down (bearing in mind I spend a lot of time chatting with her in general about her worries and 99% of time I help!).
I go upstairs and she follows me carrying on the drama and I am trying to calm her down ( DH is now downstairs).
Later on when we were discussing it I jokingly said 'DD has more drama than The Globe Theatre' and he started sounding cross at me saying yes but there didn't need to be such a drama blah blah blah and then the following day another discussion came up her blamed me for it all.
As I said to him, I may not always have made things better during DD temper tantrums or mini dramas but most of the time I know I am not to blame and give every ounce of my energy to help the DD who means the world to me.
I feel like I'm babbling now but I'm just very upset that DH has put this extra pressure on me, I told him have I got to worry in future not only about DD rowing but that he will automatically think I am to blame?
Lurking as my DH is sometimes like this. In his case he has undiagnosed aspergers and came from a home where there was very little communication. Anything for an easy life seems to be his mantra. And he hates telling the teenagers off unless it's for something that angers him because he will suffer himself -eg DS being careless with expensive gadgets and risking accidentally breaking them.
He'd never ever tell DS to go and study or practice.
I know how tiring it is to have to be the one who does all the hard work with teenagers.
Sometimes I wonder if DH is now jealous of the fact that DD (19) has fun with me and (occasionally) invites me to do things with her.
One tip when dealing with D is to agree with her. She doesn't want you to fix it or give your opinion. Example.
D - I look horrid in all my clothes.
You - no you don't you look lovely.
D- I don't mum I look shit.
You- don't talk like that. It's rude. Your blue dress is gorgeous on you.
D- I can talk how I like because you're talking shit
If your response was. I know how you feel. I have days like that. You just feel rotten in everything.
Then walk away and say no more. What you're doing is normalising her feelings and acknowledging her feelings. This response can be applied to loads of different situations. Moaning about friends. Homework. A boy. A teacher. Etc. It really works but is hard to do as we want to resolve things for them.
You need to buy the book. Get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. Read it then force your H to read it. It really made a difference dealing with a very hard teen years in this house.
thanks both, Rogue I recognise a lot of what you say in my DH
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