Uncomfortable around gay son(13 Posts)
(Very) long time lurker.... just registered.
DS16 "came out" to me in September last year. It was completely unexpected. He's had girlfriends before, albeit not for long, really sporty, quite religious etc.
When he came out I was supportive. I've had lots of gay friends - from Uni and at work. I suppose I never really thought about it as being something in my family.
And I thought I was ok with it. And then before Christmas he brought a boy home. They are "together" and, being fair on DS, they aren't tactile of anything when I'm around. But just seeing them together makes me feel uncomfortable. The boy is really nice - probably what I'd want if I'd had a daughter! But I can't help feeling this way.
I don't want to go through life feeling uncomfortable around my son and who he chooses to be with. I feel awful feeling like this. Everything I've read talks about how positive I need to be for him but it's gnawing away inside me. I can't feel I can talk to friends about it because I (even reading this) come across as homophobic. I don't think I am.
I don't think you are homophobic, I think you haven't really got your head around the idea of your son being gay yet.
I think you just need time to get used to the idea of your son having boyfriends, not girlfriends. I'm sure that you won't always feel this way, and that you'll continue to be supportive of your son.
Agree with Creature, it's still all rather recent, and I bet you a few boyfriends from now you'll wonder why you ever felt this way. My DB came out a few years ago and, well my parents were and are incredibly supportive, they did feel uncomfortable the first time he brought a guy around, but they got used to it. I think the fact that you are so worried that you might sound homophobic proves how not homophobic you are!
Thanks for your comments. As soon I had posted this I hated myself for doing it.
Perhaps you're right about it being too soon. I really hope so. I'm sure DS can tell.
You can't control how you feel and I think you're being very honest with yourself. I'm sure you're nothing but supportive in front of your son but maybe you need somewhere you can talk about how you really feel while you come to terms with it? (even if it's just on mumsnet!) There's bound to be a period of readjustment - we all have an imaginary future for our children and yours is going to be different now - not worse, but different. You may also have had years of prejudice in your upbringing that you weren't even aware of that's affecting you at a subconscious level. I think you need to give yourself time to readjust. Oh, and by the way - I remember feeling quite awkward when my son brought his first girlfriend home so part of it might just be about him growing up and having a partner - regardless of sexual orientation. Don't be so hard on yourself - you sound lovely.
I echo what pp say; I felt every bit as awkward when DD or DS bought their boy/girl friend home.
It's very much about him growing up, not always easy for parents to get used to.
You sound really supportive and a great mum, don't be so hard on yourself.
I think I'll feel the same whoever mine bring home. Possibly more so if it's someone of same sex, but tbh if they're happy then fair enough.
I have a gay son, and when he came out I never felt in any way uncomfortable with it because I always thought that he would be gay. However, when it came to him having a boyfriend...... it really unsettled me! I would advise you to be careful what signals you are sending to him, even if they are subconcious ones. My son picked up on how uncomfortable I was, and this caused him to keep things from me. When things are out in the open they just become the norm, so the more time you spend with your son and his boyfriend, the easier it will get for you. In time you will think nothing of it.
Can take quite a long time but as long as you keep doing the loving things, you're fine.
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I too have a gay son. I am not sure about how I will feel when he brings someone home. However, my straight daughter bringing someone home might also take some adjusting to.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Accepting our children are having a relationship, physical or otherwise, is a big step for all parents. It is probably more so when the relationship is same sex and, therefore, unfamiliar to the majority of us.
I don't have much advice but happy to chat about it. You are certainly not homophobic - just a parent!
I think it takes a lot of courage to admit to feeling this way, even on an Internet forum, rather than pretending to yourself that things are fine.
I don't have any experience to give advice but I just wanted to wish you and your family well for the future.
I really think you will get used to it Give it time.
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