Ungrateful and gobsmacked (long)(53 Posts)
My DS 14 has just come back from staying with his dad in Europe. His dad gave him money towards an Xbox. DS assumes I will pay the balance. For Xmas I really don't go OTT but I did get him a new hairdryer (he's always using mine), an electric shaver (he needs one) and several other smaller presents - clothes, after shave etc.
In the car on the way back from the airport he asked me to order the Xbox when I got home. I said I would need to put the money his dad gave him into my account first or I may go overdrawn. I also asked him what jobs he was going to do to pay for the balance. He then went into one and said he didn't like any of my gifts and basically said I was cheap. I reminded him thT I had bought him an iPhone for his birthday and he basically sneered and said that was then.
When we got home he went straight upstairs for a while then came down and threw the envelope of money on the side and said, there's the money, when will you order it. I explained again I couldn't do it today and he ranted about how I expected him to be grateful about everything I did for him. At this point I said unless he could speak to me properly I wasn't willing to have this conversation. He continued to be rude and I lost it and told him to sod off upstairs . . Yes I should have remained calm but I was shaking. He has never spoken to me like that and I really don't know what to do.
I would appreciate some advice and support.
Thanks so much
Honestly OP if you order this Xbox for him now you are a mug.
I'd hand the money back to him and tell him to get back to you when he has the remaining balance and a better attitude. Not a chance in hell I'd buy it for him after that performance
Give him his money back and tell him he can buy the xbox he wants when he can afford it.
Has he had an attitude like this before? Seems a bit weird he comes back from holidays and starts behaving like this.
A grounding wouldn't go amiss either!
What she said ^^
Explain you have already purchased gifts and can't be expected to add a balance towards something you didn't know was expected.
Hand him the money back, calmly tell him when he has the balance you will happily order it but not before. If he is remotely apologetic you could come up with a suitable list of chores that earn various amounts of cash so he can work towards the balance but that wouldn't be right now.
Is there anything else going on? What's his dad like towards you?
No way would he be getting the thing ordered.
He needs to apologise.
Save the balance himself. You didn't agree to pay it.
<bad mood and unwell so no tolerance for stroppy, spoilt, badly behaved kids>
Make him save. DD is often like this it's a very selfish entitled phase many go through. I have never given in to DD but it doesn't stop her being persistent ! I set up a go Henry account for DD- basically a bank card you set up online gets sent to you in about 5 days. You can set up tasks they can see to earn money. So for instance if she keeps her room tidy , bed made curtains drawn etc £5 a week if she washes up nightly and cleans kitchen side £5 hovers whole house £5 then when I mark the jobs as complete the money is transferred to DD. You can set up one off things to do DD did entire house thoroughly polishing, bathroom, skirting boards etc was worth £35. Make him work for it he's just trying it on and guilt tripping.
Take his crap presents back too and sell them. Then spend the money on something totally frivolous for yourself.
If he wanted an x box for Xmas he should have asked you for one not wait till you've bought him other pressies then expect you to get him one after Xmas. I agree he needs to save up the rest of the cash himself or agree what chores he's going to do.
Did his DF give him money towards the Xbox purely to cause you trouble?
Where did he think the rest of the money would come from? Did he consult you, ask what you were giving? Why place this extra obligation on you when you've already given your own presents?
Tell him that to assume anything makes an Ass out of U and ME. Then give him back the cash and say that once he has the full amount you will happily order it once the full price is presented nicely to you.
14 is a hideous age.
You did the right thing. Grounding would only inflame the situation IMO - he has learnt that he can't speak to you like that.
Why did his DF give him some of the money for an X-box but not all of it? Has he considered getting a second hand one? Did he get any other money from relatives that he could put towards it?
I wouldn't ask him to do chores to pay off the balance - either you can afford to pay for it or you can't. But I'm very soft when it comes to asking the teens to do stuff around the house.
He needs to apologise
But at this age having parents who live apart can be tough, he has 2 separate lives.
I'd wait a but and have a calm conversation with him once you have both calmed down.
Obviously you can't get the Xbox just like that, but maybe you can suggest how he can earn cash (wash your car?) and save pocket money.
Or he can buy a second hand xbox on game.co.uk
I have a 13yr old and have had similar conversations and I think calming down and apologising (him) and talking through the options is the way forward.
How much did his dad contribute?
Good grief. There would be no way I would buy him an Xbox after that. I would give him the money back too and expect a grovelling apology.
If he's got his own account suggest he pays it in and saves up and orders it himself. Do not enter into any conversation about it again. Stand your ground.
Yep another vote for making him wait. Yes you should expect grateful!!!
Put the money in a jar and he can add to it, when hes earnt it.
Get him a part time job out side the home -
My 14yr old DS can be like this, it's a vile age. Doesn't help he goes to a school where a lot of his friends are loaded. He has learned the hard way; if he wants something expensive, he has to pay for it himself. Saving up birthday/Christmas money, doing extra jobs round the house. We got an xbox for the dc this Christmas, purely by selling ps3, kindle, Nintendo DS, and every other bldy thing we could find. I feel for you, they have a shite attitude at times and expect everything handed to them. Steep learning curve, and his rudeness to you was very hurtful. Make sure he knows that.
Agree with previous posters. Give him the money back and he can save up for the rest. A couple of years ago DS got his PS3 from Cash Converters because he didn't have enough Christmas / birthday money saved up for a new one and didn't want to wait.
Also at 14 your DS can have his own bank account with debit card. DS got his account at 11 and buys his own stuff online. He has a Barclays account but I think Santander and RBS also do them. It's time he took a bit of responsibility for himself IMO.
Give him the money back and tell him he can ebay his "crap" presents and pay for his xbox that way. And dont let him use your hair dryer!
"My DS14" - that's it right there. Fasten your seatbelt, the next couple of years are a bumpy ride. I have two adult sons, fab young men both of them, the only trouble we had with either was in the years 14 to 16 ( nothing major, but enough to have us grinding our teeth).
Now is the moment to tighten your grip, zero tolerance - this is where it can slip away from you if you're not all over it. Get it right and you'll come out the other side in one piece. Your XH needs to be shoulder to shoulder with you on it too. In essence, be uncomfortably firm with him.
Tell him to open an account in his own name (I don't know if you need to sign anything for him to do this at 14) and deposit the money as the beginning of his savings for his Xbox (unless he changes his mind). Be calm and positive about saving and discuss how he can raise the rest. Do not put this money in your own account because then you are taking responsibiity for it, and perhaps, in his mind, for making up the difference. If / when he strops, try to be calm but don't get involved in justifying that you aren't making up the difference and try not to get roped into discussing any of the practicalities when he is in a foul mood. Be very clear that this is how it is: his father has kindly made an initial payment towards an X box; this is best saved in the bank; saving is a work in progress; this is his responsibility.
When he has the full amount for the Xbox he may need your help to order online with the account of a 14 year old but you can arrange this - just get him to transfer the money to you before you order it.
by the way, by changing his mind I meant that as savings accumulate and as people start to think seriously about this sum of money sometimes the importance of a frivolous purchase that seemed like a good idea when it was someone else's money recedes and he may prefer something bigger, better, or more useful. I don't mean you let him squander the money
I'm not surprised you were angry and shaking. Don't beat yourself up about that. And I hate all this remaining calm stuff - that's not real life. If you behave like a twat towards someone they will respond in kind.
I agree about giving him money back and tell him when he's earns the rest you'll put it into your account and order the X box. Ask him to come to you with ideas and suggested amounts and you will make a list too.
He can have X box when he's saved for it.
Although you could just butt out totally and inform his dad that the savings account exists, he is formally saving, you won't have anything else to do with it as it is between him and his dad and let him do what he wants from now on
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