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Help please! What consequences are appropriate for this?

(21 Posts)
Candleabras Tue 22-Dec-15 10:03:49

DD2, 16, went for a sleepover at her friends. Friend asked mum if they could go out, she said yes, but don't be too late.

I get a phone call from police at 1130pm, asking if they can bring DD home. She arrived in a police van. Had been found with 4 others, drunk in a pub.

WWYD?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Tue 22-Dec-15 10:06:29

I would have thought old fashioned grounding would suffice.

MrsLeighHalfpenny Tue 22-Dec-15 10:09:58

Lots of noisy activities to prevent her sleeping her hangover off.
She's 16. It's what they do. Did you never get drunk or try to buy a drink in a pub at 16?

toucantoucan Tue 22-Dec-15 10:13:53

I would go for emphasising how much they have let themselves down, how she has wasted police time, and how you now can't trust her, so for the foreseeable future any request to go out will be treated on a case by case basis and permission will be dependent on her rebuilding your trust. Eg allowing her to the shops in the daytime with a friend for two hours, then round to a friend's house for two hours in the evening, building up to more freedom once she actually shows you she can stick to rules, curfews etc. I don't like old fashioned grounding because it doesn't give them a chance to show they have learned from their mistake - I'm not saying that it should be free reign on going out, but I think taking it back to being really strict and checking up on where they are, who they are with and them meeting curfew time pays off in the longer term. And I would be pretty annoyed with the other mother - in my view you check with the other parent before giving permission like that when they are only 16.

SpanglesGalloway Tue 22-Dec-15 10:15:28

Ok in was the teenager in this situation in 2004...
Sufficiently spoken to about how disappointed parents were. Future prospects if I got a criminal record etc they put the fear in me and made me feel about 2mm big. Then I was grounded for solid month with no phone. (But I think actual length of grounding was until mum thought I'd "learned my lesson" maybe about 2-3 weeks later) I felt horrible with a hangover I felt very sorry for myself... and my family laugh at it now.... but at the time I was very upset with myself.

toucantoucan Tue 22-Dec-15 10:16:09

And actually, as MrsLeigh says, it is sort of what they do, but you now have the opportunity to crack down a bit and make sure she remembers in future why doing what she did is not a brilliant idea - no real harm happened this time and putting the brakes on her a bit in the aftermath will hopefully help her make more sensible decisions when she is out in the big wide world and away from home.

SpanglesGalloway Tue 22-Dec-15 10:16:09

**I was

LaurieFairyCake Tue 22-Dec-15 10:16:51

I'd do no further sleepovers this holiday. And back by dinner every night.

And it's about £200 for an ambulance to attend? So I'd be assuming the police was about the same and get her to donate £200 to the police benevolent fund.

Lolimax Tue 22-Dec-15 10:17:57

I'd keep her very very busy today. Don't broadcast it on social media but make sure the people you come across today know she's in bad books. No wriggle room. She's 16. What she has to realise is how vulnerable she made herself, that anything could have happened and you'd have had no idea where she was or who she was with. It's not so much about the punishment it's about her understanding what a prat she's been and that she's let herself and your trust in you down.

BooOzMoo Tue 22-Dec-15 10:37:13

We used to go to the pub and get pissed at 16 ... I just used to tell my mum.
Never been brought home by the police though.... That's the deal breaker.
Allow alcohol but make sure she knows her limits and how vulnerable she is!!!!

Candleabras Tue 22-Dec-15 11:59:34

I knew I'd get great advice coming here, thanks so much.

She has been grounded for 2 days, with no phone. the latter being the biggie for her.

We've done the talk about trust, responsibility and being stupid to risk future prospects etc

Based on your good advice, I will allow her out today, with phone, but no more sleepovers this holiday, and back for 6 every night. No announcements on social media etc

Yes I was out getting pissed when I was 16, but I never was taken home in a police van. As Boo said, that was the deal breaker.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Tue 22-Dec-15 12:09:53

sounds good - although she was brought home by the police, that might be in part down to bad luck on her part and good luck on ours that we always got away with it! I would use it as an opportunity to reinforce that she needs to learn how to drink sensibly.

specialsubject Tue 22-Dec-15 12:40:22

isn't the publican in trouble for serving children?

I really like the idea of work or selling possessions to make a donation for the free taxi-ride home. Just read the article on the drunks clogging up A and E and this is similar selfishness. Make her pay.

Candleabras Tue 22-Dec-15 14:05:20

you've made good points.

the publican is well known for serving under age, and the police did say they would be taking action

I also like the idea of paying for her lift home. Trouble is, I have given consequences, and I know for a fact that 3 out of 4 of the other parents involved haven't.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Tue 22-Dec-15 14:30:05

£200 is a hell of a lot for a 16 year old to come up with though. Maybe making it clear that's how much it cost and that if it ever happened again (God forbid!) she would be paying it back would suffice.

specialsubject Tue 22-Dec-15 18:01:48

shame...

selling some beepy-toys, staying off the swill and doing some chores locally (ironing, cleaning, gardening in spring) will do it in a while. What the other parents don't do with their ickle preshuses is not your problem.

sorry, but drunks tying up public resources really pisses me off. And the resources concerned.

LIZS Tue 22-Dec-15 18:07:35

When she is less hung over and resentful it would be worth discussing how she was fortunate that it was the police who brought her home and not someone willing to take advantage of her vulnerable state. Unfortunately drink can make teens feel invincible.

Candleabras Tue 22-Dec-15 20:02:24

Ickle preshuses grin grin

HesNotAMessiah Wed 23-Dec-15 22:44:16

£200 is a lot for a -6 yr old...

Really?

They have no concept that most of the things they ask for easily amount to £00's of pounds? How much is her monthly phone bill?

I'm smelling Little Johnie can't do no wrong parenting here. You didn't know where she was, who she was with, what they were doing. And you're surrounded by parents exactly the same who are just shrugging thei shoulders and ignoring the fact their Chris needs some boundaries setting.

Dos she certainly didn't think she had any when she went drinking!

Put a price on some stuff, like laundry, ironing, cooking etc. then see how long it takes her to work up £200.

Honestly people complain about polish migrants coming to this country and working for nothing, perhaps your daughter ought to understand what nothing means and what shee might need to do for herself when she's older.

Call me old fashioned....

Candleabras Wed 23-Dec-15 23:41:25

Think I've got it covered actually, Messiah, but thanks for your fucking patronising concern.

wickedwaterwitch Wed 23-Dec-15 23:46:03

I think I'd try to be kind to her too - I bet she was a bit scared. Teenagers really dont think things through half the time!

I also would have expected the other parent to check with me before allowing them out, 16 isn't properly adult.

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