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Terrible teen and Christmas presents

(8 Posts)
Indianakent Sun 20-Dec-15 17:04:40

My 14 year old son's behaviour is terrible and has been for the best part of 2015. He goes missing regularly, the police and social services are involved because they consider him to be at risk outside of the home due to the group of Older friends he is hanging around with and involvement with drugs and possibly more stuff we don't know about. He doesn't give a stuff about school, he is disrespectful and does not stick to any curfews. I don't recognise my son anymore and his behaviour is making family life miserable. We have all the agencies involved to help him, early help, Adaction,counselling, police, social services etc so we are covering all bases. We have tried talking to him, tried compromising but it's all one sided, tried family mediation but it's just getting worse. We were supposed to be going shopping today with him to buy him new trainers and clothes for christmas( we cannot give him cash or vouchers because he cannot be trusted at all with money and he is dabbling with drugs). His behaviour has been awful for the last two weeks, and we told him that he needed to be home by 9pm last night, I practically begged him to make sure he did not stuff up so that we could have a nice day today shopping and a bit of lunch. He did not come home, we had to report him missing and eventually he came home at about 2am. Yet another Saturday night ruined, his dad and I are knackered today, and he got to do what he wanted andv could not see what he had done wrong.

We told him that we are not taking him shopping, and he is not going to get the things he wanted because he does not care at all about the family and the stress he is putting us under, I've got him a couple of small gifts so he can open something on Christmas Day but that's it. I really want to just cancel Christmas, and I would but it's not fair on my 16 year old daughter because she loves Christmas so much. .

I know that giving presents are not about deserving them and is a gift of love and all that, but quite frankly, he is taking us for mugs at the moment and of course I love him but it's hard to be in the same room with him these days. We've got four days to turn this around and I don't know where to start. I am feeling so down, this is the first time I have ever dreaded Christmas, and I feel like smashing the radio when the jolly Christmas songs come on and taking down the Christmas tree.

Please can someone offer some advice to get me through the next few days so that we can all try and enjoy Christmas, including my son. It's breaking my heart to feel this way and he must be unhappy too.

YeOldeTrout Sun 20-Dec-15 17:27:11

It's never gonna be a great Xmas, is it?!
You need to think about what you can salvage. I'd be thinking to protect as much of the experience for the 16yo as I could, given the other circumstances.

My gut feeling is tough love. I'd be saying "Can't give you presents because I'm afraid you'll sell them for drugs or spend the money badly. This is precisely because I love you. Easier said than done, I know.

Small edible things, fine.

If you have big gift for your other child(ren), then maybe present that separately when 14yo not present. Don't rub his nose in it.

Indianakent Sun 20-Dec-15 19:35:25

i was worried I was being too harsh so this is reassuring. you're right about giving my daughters gifts separately, I think she is old enough to understand that not everything can go under the tree this year.

Thank you!

YeOldeTrout Sun 20-Dec-15 19:58:15

My brothers were druggies. My mom learnt tough love the hard way sad. I hope some support comes thru for you guys the parents too, sooner rather than later. x

Clare1971 Tue 22-Dec-15 09:33:19

'Tough love' is really hard to put into practice especially when your're talking about a 14 year old - still a child. Can you focus on making Christmas nice for you and your DD, and then just be grateful and super welcoming whenever DS appears without planning things which rely on him co-operating? I'd go for lots of small, low value presents too. Really feel for you. flowers

Travelledtheworld Tue 22-Dec-15 09:50:23

So sorry for you. Have no experience of this but it sounds terrible.
And if you look at past threads on this forum you will find you are not alone and others have had a terrible times with their teens, but most have come out of Italy the other end.
Be kind to yourself.

notmrscookie Fri 25-Dec-15 08:19:24

sadly I am in the same journey as you. Cant see an end to it . I WISH I COULD.. Had money stolen , credit card used without permission. Dreading today as it is just me, eldest son and 16 year old son using drugs. small present is a grey puma tracksuit and some cheap aftershave. Cant wait for today to be over .. Eldest got a few bits and will pay for his cbt test.

He refuse help, social service and school aware .. Now on to found/ -stolen credit cards / driving license . Police to busy to deal .. no support in the period awaiting court .. what I would do/ give to have my old son back ..

Enjoy the day with your daughter x

summer68 Sat 26-Dec-15 23:35:40

Sorry to steal the post, but notmrscookie, that was such a sad post and on Christmas Day too. I feel for both of you. Been there with my ds- he is slowly coming back to us - I didn't believe it when people told me he would, but he has ( on his own terms) . Keep believing xxxx

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