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19 year old daughter

(3 Posts)
DrewsWife Sun 20-Dec-15 08:56:17

My daughter is now 19. From 18 months I brought her up on my own. She had a relatively happy child hood. I put her in private nursery. Worked in civil service. We weren't rich but she always had her needs met.

Age 7 she was diagnosed with a life long health condition. And a lot of time was spent in hospital, clinics.

Her dad was verbally abusive due to long term mental health problems. I had to withdraw contact several times.

We were hugely close. We did lots together and she was a sweet child. Hard work at times but still mine.

When 14 she got in with a really bad crowd. Her dad also became a bigger influence on her. She started accusing me of not wanting her. I had severe post natal depression when she was born and spent months in hospital.

(Later after speaking to a psychiatrist who had read my notes he believes I was a victim of domestic abuse and that the notes all tell of her dad accusing me of doing things I didn't remember doing. )

I did discuss this with her. Say she was very much loved and wanted.

Her dad is in her life. The things he tells her is appalling. Very untrue and emotional abuse. But it's her dad. So his word is her everything.
A number of years ago I started working nights. The police would often come in to say they had found her in a dodgy friends house and felt she was too nice to be there. So had her in back of the car. Could I take her home.

She once disappeared for a week and her friends all closed ranks. Police were certain she was safe and she was thankfully.

I met my now husband a few years ago and got married 3 years ago. She was well and truly off the rails by this point.

Didn't go to exams. Ended up leaving school. Smoking in the house. The worst was stealing money from myself and eventually him.

Her relationship with my hub is fine. But it's me she hates.

I have since had a baby. She has seen him 4times. He is 1.

She will only come down if my hub is at home. If it's just me and the baby then she won't.

I feel so lost.

Things came to a head when her bf mum died. She accused me of disrespect when I said I couldn't attend the funeral at 9am in city centre as I finished work at 3am. Baby was 7 months old and traffic to city is horrendous first thing in the morning due to rush hour. On a quiet time it is a 45 minute drive.

Sorry this is so long.

I'm devastated. She won't answer my calls, texts or fb messages.

She will answer my husband.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I feel like I'm one of those parents on the..but I took you to stately homes!

bevelino Sun 20-Dec-15 09:13:29

Is there any prospect of either you or someone else speaking to your ex husband on your behalf, to get to he bottom of the matter?

Helping your daughter may be a multi step process and would require both parents to put aside any negative feelings you have about each other to ensure that your daughter is central to any discussion. Your daughter can be helped/ healed to deal with how she feels, but it will take time.

DrewsWife Sun 20-Dec-15 09:25:13

I have attended various things over the years. His mental health issues are huge. It's just not something that can be overcome.

I never speak negatively about her dad when she tells me things. I honestly don't.

If she said dad said he misses you which sadly came up a lot. I would reply with but I am happy with where my life is and I don't love your dad anymore. That was a long long time ago now.

He got married a number of years ago but still tried to maintain contact. I always said no thank you.

I'm not a shouty person. Quite quiet.

His last marriage broke down last year. Somehow it was my fault. He assaulted her and ended up in court on abh charges.

I didn't comment other than I hoped she was ok and that oh look out film is coming on.

I have spent thousands on court costs as he would frequently take me to court for custody. The sheriff never granted it. Nor did he get parental responsibility either. The sheriffs words were that he wasn't stable enough.

He blocked me taking her on holiday once to Australia. Based on ... Australia is full of axe murderers and kangaroos.

The sheriff threw that one out. But granted me leave to take her abroad on a family holiday.

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