Dd is not talking to me or Dh, over a week now.(113 Posts)
I'm worried ive fucked things up between me and her, that Dh has fucked things up, that she's being a drama lama. Probably a combination. She's 14yo and we haven't had any problems with her until this and im at a loss on how to sort it.
there was an "event" which kicked it all off. She was being loud and a bit annoying. Dh told her to calm down, she didn't. He got up and left the room, she followed. He shut the door as he left the room leaving her and me in the sitting room. She tried to open it and he was holding the handle from the other side so she couldn't get out. Up till this point it was all kind of in jest, Dh wasnt pissed off or angry with her but was more messing about.
She exploded, big overreaction. Screeeching and going crazy. Id got a headache and told her to calm down /stop screeching, etc. I got up to open the door as I hadn't realised Dh was holding it (it does stick sometimes). She carried on screeching and I had had enough. I raised my hand towards her in frustration as I passed her. Opened the door and I went out and went upstairs for some peace. At no point was I ever going to hit her but yes I'm not proud I held my hand up as if I was going to slap her. I wasn't even that close to her.
She went to bed soon after. The next morning she was in a bad mood with me (understaement) and as I came in the dining room she kind of flattened herself against the wall and screamed at me that she didn't want me near her. I pointed out if she still felt that by the following day (Saturday) it was going to make our planned weekend away to an event she wanted to go to a bit difficult and we wouldn't be able to go if I couldn't go near her. I left for work.
She was crying at school that day and the HoY rang Dh to say dd had been upset and said Id threatened her and that Dh had locked her in a room. Dh managed to explain that things weren't quite like that.
Dd seemed ok that evening. Me and her went away that weekend, had a nice weekend away. It was an event for her, not me and I put myself out a lot for her, cost me a lot of money. She seemed happy. She did some xmas present shopping inc stuff for me and Dh.
Since Monday she seems to have got worse. Very grumpy. Hasn't spoken a word to Dh all week. Is barely talking to me. Taking herself off to bed without saying goodnight which is unusual.
I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't like living with people who threatened her. I had a good chat to her. I apologised and said that I thought it had been blown out of proportion a bit. But that I shouldn't have done it, that I was never actually going to slap her but that sometimes people get frustrated.
Things are still bad today. We've been to see family and she was ok while there but said to me that she's only being ok as we were with others. She told me today she just wants to be at school, not having to spend two weeks at home. In the car on the way home she wouldn't talk to us. Scowling furiously at Dh when he spoke to her. She's taken herself off to bed without saying goodnight again.
I don't know tomorrow whether to try apoligising again?
Just ignore the situation and not give her any attention over it?
Read her the riot act and say she's got to accept that if she's screaming like a banshee in someone's face and doesn't stop when asked she can't be suprised if she gets a reaction?
I can't cope with the xmas holidays being like this.
Risky game of strategy at this time of year for her to be playing.
Ignore her, her brother lives at my house.
She has just discovered that over reaction brings attention and she is milking it for all it is worth.
Like I said risky strategy.
Well yes, it did cross my mind that people who aren't talking to me don't get xmas presents from me.
But I couldn't be that mean. I'm tempted though just to thrust her bag of presents at her rather than fill the stocking, etc and then go back to bed in xmas day.
Ive really been questioning myself if what I did is that bad to get such a reaction and I genuinely don't think it was. She couldn't have realistically thought I was going to slap her from where I was and also how I raised my hand.....it wasn't a serious threat.
And I do think she liked the attention at school. She got out of lessons all morning, inc some tests. Got to sit being fussed over by HoY who she has a bit of a girl crush on.
My immediate reaction is that there's something more to what's upsetting her than what happened and she's using that as a cover or excuse. It feels like a massive overreaction to what happened so to me that suggests there is a lot more to it than what you have said or what you are aware of.
I just can't imagine someone having the energy or motivation to be so dramatic over something small for such a long period of time! Unless she is a massive drama queen but even then to me it feels unlikely.
I'd read her the riot act but that's just me, my DC would expect that. If you give her attention now she'll do it more.
I have a 14yo DD.
I would sit her down and say, once more, for the record "I shouldn't have raised my hand, it was wrong and I'm sorry.
Now as far as I'm concerned this episode is over, I have apologised for my bad behaviour and I would strongly advise you to do the same for yours. Christmas is on Friday and this needs to be behind us- I will not have Christmas spoilt by this".
If she then persists with holding a grudge I would ignore it, be bright and breezy during any interaction, only offer anything once (e.g. would you like tea and cake DD? No? Ok" - don't offer again) and just go about your business as usual.
I don't think it's being mean. It's parenting, showing her that actions have consequences. Yes, you will feel mean, and yes, it may kick off. But it's your job to make these hard decisions and be the bad guy. You can tell he that there are presents, but you will not be giving them to someone who treats you with contempt.
You should not have raised your hand, but you have apologised and now want to move on. She needs to learn how to get herself out of this situation.
Tbh I think you would be failing her if you caved in.
Actually I completely see why she's still upset. If anyone else had raised their hand to her, would you have allowed 'but I wasn't going to actually hit you' to wash it away? You might have acknowledged you were wrong, but have you actually sat down and discussed it with her fully?
Has you dh apologised for locking her in? I would lose control if someone did that to me, and I wouldn't forgive it. I have an absolute phobia of being shut in or someone blocking an exit. It would (and has) traumatise me and would take more than a week to get past.
I agree with Professor. There's more to this and I think you need a proper heart to heart. Don't bring up the incident again, you've apologised and it needs to be over but do ask her what else is wrong. It sounds like it's your dh she's most upset with. Please don't retaliate by not wrapping things or whatever at Xmas. 14 year olds are still big kids and that will hurt her even if she doesn't show it. Don't fuel her fire just let her know that when she wants to talk you will be there. Discuss better approaches in future with your dh. Door holding isn't a good idea. It sounds like the relationship between your teen and yourselves needs working on rather than the incident itself. That will be your job as the parents, teens tend to be too stubborn and immature to make the right moves imo
Dh hasn't apologised. I told him this morning he needed to and he hasn't yet. I will tell him again. He's pissed off and thinks she's being a madam.
I did have a good chat to her about it and said I shouldn't have done it and that I was sorry.
Between you, her parents locked her in a room and threatened to hit her, and your dh hasn't said sorry. You are both far more in the wrong than she is. I really feel for her.
When did you apologise? Straight away? Whether you intended to hit her or not, you did raise your hand and that is threatening. And you did it when her dad was locking her in the room with you, so she had no escape. That's pretty scary, and she's 14, so she's bound to overreact.
Thanks. I will have another chat with her tomorrow. Make Dh say sorry as well. But will also point out to dd that she can't carry on with the rudeness, that it isn't doing her or anyone else any good.
I don't think that Dh will be holding any doors shut again! Prior to this I always thought we had a good family relationship, did stuff together, got on, etc.
Will try and see if there's anything else worrying her. I think she's been a bit stressed at school as she didn't do well in a science test and was worried about telling me.
The door thing was ten seconds max, not like she was locked in for a lengthy period btw. But I know he still shouldn't have done it ANd I would have been pissed off if someone did it to me.
Looking back now I was a bit like this as a teenager! Hands were never raised but I did have a stage of 'hating' my parents & everything they did even if it was nice, that 'event' has just given her a reason.
If I were u I'd ask if there was anything else worrying her, if not leave her to it!!
My brother has been going threw this stage for a few years now( now aged 18), I barely get a hello never mind anything else these days so I've put my foot down & decided if he's going to pretend I don't exist, I'll play him at his own game, no birthday presents, xmas presents the works! I don't see why I should spend any time or money on him if he can't even bring himself to say hello
I think you are doing a great job, but I suspect, from what you have said, she is just thriving on the drama.
Your DH should apologise, but so should she. I'm sorry but I think it is unacceptable for a teenager to go into a strop for a week, although she comes out of it when you are doing stuff for her. You are doing her no favours as other people will not tolerate this behaviour.
She also needs to know that people, including her parents make mistakes. You don't walk away from them completely because of that
Don't apologise again, if she hasn't accepted your apology the first time then why would she a second time? Leave it now
If you bring it up it is more attention and so leave it.
If she doesn't want to be at home then tough
"say she's got to accept that if she's screaming like a banshee in someone's face and doesn't stop when asked she can't be suprised if she gets a reaction?"
I guess maybe I could just get Dh to apoligise rather me do it again.
I even bought a creme egg this evening and she was so grumpy she said she didn't want it. That's not normal,is it?
I am worried that she will never come and say goodnight to me again.
she needs to be told she was in the wrong for carrying on screeching following someone who clearly does not wish to be followed and throwing a ballistic fit over nothing at all if she continues this way the school will report their concerns and it will be taken further my dd tried this on i told her she was an insult to children who were battered and abused making a fuss because i told her off for being naughty if she didn't want to be told off don't be
an apology is not a reason to carry on it is a reason to forgive and forget
and if she continues ignore her and i would refuse to acknowledge anything other than respectful behaviour
i think its the time of year ive had to seperate my three today screeching little fuckers i love them to pieces but it took me 45 minutes to find a recipe as i was backwards and forwards sorting them out in the end they got separated and told i love you all QUIT THE SHIT NOW! i hope you get it sorted
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