Young Teen, Health Problems & Dealing With "Attitude" at Xmas ???(3 Posts)
DD 13, though generally a really good kid, who rarely gives us any problems, but she is being a total brattish mare, with bad attitude if I dare speak out of line, don't respond quick enough etc ATM - I usually don't mess around with consequences for bad behaviour & it's served us well as she knows the score.
Examples - she has a friend over, a big deal for her ATM, as I will explain below. I've offered that she can order a pizza for her & her friend, not something we would normally do, so it's a big treat for her. She has allergies, so I suggested she check the websites first - I then realised that the big chain pizza place she wants to order from, is more than twice the price of her favourite pizza restaurant, who deliver via another site - queue snarly sarcastic hissy fit because I even dare suggest that I'm not paying for 2
nasty pizza from the chain, with the extras we are looking at about £40, when she can get the same, better quality food at half the price.
Her Santa list is a bit confusing & having looked at one of the make up palettes she has listed, I tried to talk to her about choosing palettes with colours that might actually use - explain that it's expensive & I don't spend that sort of money on my own make up & certainly not to just get wasted - queue hissy fit about my "guilt tripping her"
She tells me to stick it all, she wants nothing if I can't just be nice about it & get what she asks for - boy is that tempting this week
it's Xmas, we are not well off & where the hell did my usual oh so grateful daughter go & who left me this spoilt brat instead
I know this is normal teen stuff & I pick my battles, stick to my guns on the important stuff etc, but we are just not in normal circumstances & it is so bloody hard to know what to do for the best.
She has been ill since February, plus an injury that won't heal since early April, she's now in a wheelchair & in constant pain with a host of other problems, such as dizziness, nausea, anxiety & insomnia. As a result she has had her life ripped out from under her feet, no longer able to go to school, too ill to see friends often & generally just isn't able to do the young teen stuff she should be doing at this age,so it has been a totally awful year for her & us. I've had to let so many house rules slide in favour of distracting her from pain, screen time for example is now up to her as it takes her mind of things. She obviously can't do chores if she can barely get herself to the toilet - so it's just impossible to keep a normal balance & we are learning as we go
In different circumstances, there is no way in hell would she be getting a pizza after the way she has just spoken to me in front of her friend. She wouldn't be getting the make up palette or any of the other things she has been so damned rude about - I'm ill myself & it's a huge effort for me - but then I remember the kind of year she has had & feel so bloody awful even thinking about it.
Is anyone else dealing with teens in this situation & how the hell do you cope with this sort of discipline
You've asked her what she wants, then you've said no and criticised her choices. That's got to be quite frustrating. What you should have done is given a budget and she could make her choices within that budget. If that meant less pizza, or make-up that she ended up wasting, then at least that would have been her choice.
The whole situation sounds very stressful for both of you. My DS also tends to get snappish if he is handled the wrong way and although I will lay down the law for things which are essential and there are some things I have to let go altogether, for other disagreements I find a gentle approach with room for negotiation works best. "I'm not paying for this" and "I don't spend that kind of money for that" come across quite aggressively. It might work better to leave more room for listening and acknowledging what your DD wants, and then to be flexible.
A fixed budget for the pizza night could be a good idea. Also recognise that the pizza night is probably very important to your DD and she wants it to go well - maybe she is secretly worried that only a big-name chain would be "good enough". So you could try "That big chain is a lot more expensive, is there a special reason for choosing it instead of the usual one? I mean we could manage it this once if you like though I wouldn't want to pay that much every time. What do you think?" or "we could manage cake as well if you went for the usual pizza place" Just pointing out the cost issue and giving her space to think about it and letting her make up her own mind might help.
Similarly with the Santa present - "These colours are beautiful and Santa could get some if you like, do you think they are colours you will wear? Santa could get you one of these (expensive) or this (cheaper) plus that, which would you rather?"
It's not easy though and to be honest I am a lot less good at it when I am feeling stressed myself. I hope things get better for all of you
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