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dd and abusive bf - now ex bf

(110 Posts)
worriedmum64 Thu 17-Dec-15 09:57:20

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tuilamum Thu 17-Dec-15 10:41:18

That's awful! flowers for you and your DD
I think all you can do is what you're already doing - supporting her and making sure she know its wrong and not her fault
Does she have some close friends? Maybe ask if she wants to invite one or two to stay the night, watch movies, eat ice cream, etc. Just to generally take her mind off it and make her feel normal again. This has clearly come as a shock to her so doing something familiar, normal and comforting
Hope everything turns out for the best and someone else may have better advice about how to keep him away from her

ParochialE9 Thu 17-Dec-15 15:48:24

My DD was in an abusive relationship for almost a year. Right from the start bf was always jealous and a little controlling.If she was invited to a party without him he'd always find a reason to get himself invited or turn up outside saying he wanted to walk her home. He'd get angry if he ever saw a picture of her with another boy in it to the point where she stopped putting pictures up on social media. It came to a head when they were out Christmas shopping in London and he started screaming and swearing in her face at the tube station cos she had led them to the wrong platform! She finished with him but he begged her to take him back, he was crying on our doorstep and I actually felt sorry for him. She tried to break up three more times but he'd always convince her to take him back, buy her expensive gifts and swear he would change. Please support your daughter not to get back with him, he will not change and it will only get worse. I feel so stupid now for not seeing all the tell tale signs until afterwards but he was so manipulative and clever. She's been with another bf for 6 months now and to this day ex bf still has a problem with dd - he's slammed her current bf into a wall, groped dd at a party and bad mouthed her all round college. Good luck and I hope your dd has got out before too much damage has been done.

Peebles1 Fri 18-Dec-15 00:15:05

My DD has been in a 'rebound' relationship for five months now. She's 17 he's 19. She's at sixth form, he has his own flat and she stays round a lot. We don't approve of him and haven't let him in our house because he has a criminal record and we're pretty sure he's still involved in bad stuff. I'm posting because she's revealed tonight that it's an abusive relationship. He's very jealous of her friends and other boys. He shouts and screams at her and punches walls/doors around her. He wants her to spend all her time with him and tries to control her. We've stood back up to now because she's old enough to leave home, get a job and live with him. We don't want to lose her and want to maintain a close relationship so stepped back. Now she's told me this I've told her enough is enough and she has to finish it. She agrees but is very upset, says she loves him and he's really nice most of the time. All the usual excuses. I really want to play this right. parochial - what made your DD finally end it and not take him back? DD did try and end it once before (at this stage I just thought he was 'clingy'), but he promised to change so she didn't go through with it. I'm scared she'll do that again. worriedmum - I'm glad your daughter has at least had the sense to end it. I feel for you and hope she's ok.

specialsubject Fri 18-Dec-15 09:58:49

term may be nearly over, but is this kind of attack tolerated at the school? Relationship or not, it is bullying. The boy should be punished.

worriedmum64 Fri 18-Dec-15 12:48:12

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tuilamum Fri 18-Dec-15 13:09:18

The texts don't have to be threatening to be classed as harassment, you may be able to get a restraining order on him which means if he calls, texts, comes near her or contacts her in any way he would be subject to arrest

worriedmum64 Fri 18-Dec-15 13:21:03

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specialsubject Fri 18-Dec-15 17:23:56

please do that. This kid is a trainee abuser already getting A* in the subject and it needs to be stopped to keep your daughter and others safe.

worriedmum64 Fri 18-Dec-15 20:52:41

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Mince314 Fri 18-Dec-15 20:58:27

Yes, it's good for now and for the future that this behaviour is labelled "abusive". I went through this in my 30s and it was tough. Your daughter doesn't have to answer to him.

worriedmum64 Sun 20-Dec-15 20:11:26

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Peebles1 Sun 20-Dec-15 23:18:56

Same here - she's 'giving him one more chance'. Happy bloody Christmas eh?? And yes, I've given her a lengthy talk. Argggghhhhhhh! Feeling for you xx

specialsubject Mon 21-Dec-15 09:45:46

perhaps time for the sticky post at the top of the relationships board, headed 'listen up'. It explains what a normal relationship is and to expect no less.

I know they aren't living together but she needs to have some self-esteem. In the long run, we need to breed this kind of thing out and it starts right here.

worriedmum64 Mon 21-Dec-15 10:11:05

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specialsubject Mon 21-Dec-15 11:16:24

he's worried? Good. Serve him right.

any sign of an apology or a promise not to be such an arse in future, given that they have to share a class? Or does he just want to make his life easier, perhaps in the hope of sex?

worriedmum64 Mon 21-Dec-15 11:31:52

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specialsubject Mon 21-Dec-15 16:33:04

why am I not surprised?

let's hope the school throws the book at him.

Peebles1 Mon 21-Dec-15 18:14:38

Thanks *worriedmum I'm hoping it'll fizzle out after Christmas. It's hard to break up at Christmas when you've made plans, bought each other presents etc. Not that I'd have any trouble getting rid of that idiot! I'll just keep plodding on, keeping up the lines of communication. My only other hope is to get her away to uni - but I can echo all the 'she won't do any work' threads unfortunately so there's only a slim chance of that working out. Your daughter is sounding a bit more sensible than mine. Hopefully she is telling you the truth, and will stick to her guns even though it's hard. Her friends' opinions will be important too so hopefully they're giving her good advice. I think your playing it right. It's so hard.

ParochialE9 Mon 21-Dec-15 18:28:00

DD finally made up her own mind to finish with bf for good, no amount of me or anyone else telling her would have made her. Once she'd made that decision she got a lot of support from family and friends who didn't like him which kept her strong. She said she realised they didn't even have fun together any more and on the occasion at the tube station I mentioned above and another incident she said she felt actually frightened for her own safety. New bf is lovely and dd said you don't realise how badly someone treated you until someone else treats you right.

Peebles1 Tue 22-Dec-15 14:47:58

Thanks, that's useful information. Kind of what I suspected.

HesNotAMessiah Wed 23-Dec-15 22:31:21

Sounds very like our DD's previous relationship.

Eventually it ended because bf just couldn't hide the fact he wanted her under his control and to enjoy himself when he felt like it.

We asked her to write two lists, one of the good things, ones of the bad. She very quickly realised she was in an abusive relationship.

Looking at it, the parents were to blame. They had created the monster of a child who could do no wrong, only when he failed to meet their expectations of his future did that come crashing down. Until then he was god.

She's in another relationship now, and to be honest the intensity is the same. Lad seems nice, grounded if a but spoilt, but the same behaviours are surfacing.

She will spend ages getting ready to go out and then sit waiting for him to text he is outside. Why it's so hard to ring the door bell I don't know but I'm not 17, personally I feel this is where the mutual respect thing has already broken down.

And she will ever anxious if he doesn't reply to a text within seconds or be on the door step when she expects.

I think we know this is a compulsive thing in her part, it's not him. She desperatley wants to be loved and will do anything to make herself feel that way.

The down side is when she doesn't feel like that, it's bad!

Not sure if it's just her, or if it's this whole appearance anxiety thing and social media that's causing it. She certainly can't be without her phone for more than a second in case she misses something

worriedmum64 Tue 29-Dec-15 12:52:18

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Peebles1 Thu 31-Dec-15 20:24:37

Sorry to hear that worriedmum. It's so hard. You seem to be taking the same approach as me: let her know your feelings on the matter but maintain a good relationship so that she'll keep talking to you about what's going on, and she'll have you to turn to if (when) things go wrong again. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but I don't think that alternatives would work. I also have an angry DH to calm down. It really gets us down sometimes. But you aren't alone in this. I just hope and pray it all ends soon. Keep us updatedwinethanks

Goingtobeawesome Thu 31-Dec-15 20:32:21

I felt how wonderful that your daughter values herself enough to know she doesn't deserve this crap then your update sad. They really should not have been discussing the statements they will have to give but I suppose that's irrelevant now she's taking him back.

Don't try and make her leave him but I wouldn't be pushing him out of the house either if you can bare it. Keep an eye on him is easier if they are at your place.

I just don't know what to say. Your poor daughter. Remind her that actions mean more than words as they are cheap.

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