Former wild child announces engagement.(9 Posts)
I've posted about dd1 before, a while back now. We went through the whole gamut of awful teen stuff including destruction of property & serious, near fatal self harm.
She has turned her life around 180 degrees in the last 10 months, not a single drama in that time. Her boyfriend slightly less so, it's only one week since he was hauled off a local suicide spot and assessed on a 136 (this is the first time he's done this that we know of).
He proposed last night, she said yes, they're both 18, they've been together since March.
My initial reaction once I'd picked my jaw up off the floor is that they're playing house, trying it out for size.
When I pulled myself together (a minute or so) I apologised for not immediately being excited about it, explained simply that it was her age which gave me some time to think.
I've already talked about whether or not he's in a good place psychologically to even make this choice, the answer to that one was so shockingly immature; he's been better 'for the last few days' apparently (!) if he was drunk when he asked (a little) and that if they're meant to be then there's no hurry, she agreed thankfully, they're thinking about in 7 years or so (phew).
It's nothing to get my knickers in a twist about is it really?
I do feel bad about my reaction though, I had a near engagement at the same age and ran a mile when it got close, thank god, but if my mum had given it large about the practicalities and realism I would have probably married the idiot faster than the banns could have been read.
Meanwhile dd1 is setting up a Pinterest board with ideas for dresses, cakes, bridesmaids outfits, flowers, etc etc. She's running away with herself with excitement, this is her, she will calm down. (There's no daughter wedding fund sitting in an offshore account)
She's not actually going to marry him, is she? Are we allowed, as parents, to gush all over this thing in a reverse psychology way or will that backfire?
I'm preparing my talk with her about how marriage is not just a party, or attention but a whole lifetime of companionship and that they have to talk to each other about money, raising children, pension funds, who is going to clean the bloody toilet and worst of all which of them is going to get out of bed when the 3yr old cries at 4am just as you're getting used to sleeping at night again.
But that's me doing the realism thing that I mentioned earlier.
My girls have a good role model in terms of relationships, me and their father are very close after 25yrs, it's not perfect but it's kind and considerate with no abuse and we love each other, I don't think there's much more you can ask for in a marriage.
3 or 4 more years and I would just go with it and wish them luck!
Don't want to read and run, hopefully it's just excitement "we are getting married"
No real support in making it happen, no emotional negativity to it happening either.
Hopefully an explanation that marriage is a legal commitment of finances not a declaration of love talk could help but what do I know?
I can totally see where you are coming from but I would gamble that nothing will happen over the next couple of weeks and let the initial euphoria calm down s bit before any chats. As you say if you head in now with a dose of realism while they are still in the big fantasy phase youre going to meet resistance and stubbornness.
I'd be nonchalant about it in the meantime - pleasantly happy but not over the top. But then yes one on one time to talk about the realities of life.
I really feel for you OP. What a tough situation.
I am happy to hear that your DD has turned it around, and it sounds like you've been a huge support for her.
All I can say is, continue to do so and remain collected with her. Any reaction could illicit an equal reaction and all that.
Fwiw, I had a friend who was in a similar circumstance as a teenager. She never did marry him.
she's said one very sensible thing; 'if they are meant to be, there's no hurry'.
congratulate her and then be completely uninterested ( engagement is meaningless now and it's a boring subject anyway!) She can spend years looking at white frilly crap, at least it is harmless. In the modern world no parent should pay for a wedding, couples pay for it themselves. So that can be your line if it ever gets that far.
I hope it works out for her, whatever happens.
What a dilemma.
pretending to keeping your cool.
I think in your shoes I would have tried the same tactic. Lets hope the boy's parents are equally sensible. They must be beside themselves over his mental health and walking on egg shells.
You seem to be taking a sensible approach.
I got engaged at 19. My parents hated him so of course when he proposed I just couldn't say no! Anyway I didn't marry him in the end but for a few years it kept my parents worried.
Very mature I know.
Three weeks later and... They've broken up. No surprise there then.
No acting out or wailing, in fact she had her friends round tonight having a laugh and then going out to a club.
Ha I was just about to say I got engaged at 18 with my boyfriend of two years, my parents didn't like him much.
I was going to try and reasure you because we broke up a week later
We did get back together later but we never mentioned getting married again.
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