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19yo girl becoming aggressive towards family

(3 Posts)
paintandbrush Fri 04-Dec-15 12:44:14

My younger sister is a total nightmare. She has a mild case of Aspergers and was statemented for ADD and severe dyslexia as a child. However, she is very high functioning, and with the help of a great school went on to get good a-levels (inc. an A*) and get in to uni.

She's really aggressive and irrational... has no idea socially so puts on a sweet-and-lovely act which leaves her frustrated.
Our mum came in to wake her up one morning- "hello petal, rise and shine" - and got a (heavy!) tub of conditioner flung at her head, which missed, thank god, and broke open on the carpet instead. All because mum had the cheek to open the curtains.

She also nicked all my best clothes, pricey duvet covers etc. and took them to uni (200 miles away). Wouldn't let mum see inside suitcase.

Every day is a fight with her. She's incredibly bad tempered, hates everybody, filthy language, like teen attitude on steroids. Not looking forward to xmas at home as she's going to ruin it.

She was de-statemented as parents wanted to avoid her being taken out of class for 'extra help' so it's not like there's any support available. Advice welcome.

Meloncoley2 Sat 05-Dec-15 21:23:46

If she has ASC, then my understanding is that part of this is functioning at a younger developmental age, so it may help to think of this as a 16 year old emotional stage. She won't be ruining your Christmas on purpose, she is quite likely, very unhappy.

Kleinzeit Sun 06-Dec-15 19:36:52

This is really hard. First I’d have to say that there is no such thing as a “mild case” of Asperger’s. She has it or she doesn’t. “High functioning” means things like “can go to the shops and buy things without mishap” because there are people who can’t do that and they count as “low functioning”. The needs of people with Asperger’s do vary enormously, but whatever needs your DSis has will be very real. It’s more like a patchwork than a spectrum, she may be fine in one “patch” of ability but completely incapable with the patch next to it. And nobody gets an Asperger’s diagnosis unless it is having a serious impact on their lives and those of the people they live with. Also with a mixed diagnosis she must have a lot of quite serious problems.

If she cannot cope with someone opening her curtains – perhaps because the noise distresses her, or because it is not part of her usual morning routine – then she cannot cope, and an outburst is the result.

I am not clear what your parents’ position is. Have they replaced your stolen belongings? They shouldn’t make you suffer for her disability. Do you feel your parents understand the effect that your DSis has on you, and do they try to support you? Or why your parents would not let your DSis be taken out of class. Was it because she couldn’t cope with leaving the class? Or because they didn’t understand how much she needed the help?

As for spoiling Christmas, it will be hard to avoid some effects. Christmas is a big disruption to routine and your DSis will probably be upset by all the changes and stresses of starting at university too. Can you talk to your parents about having a Christmas that isn’t totally spoilt but at least has some nice bits in it? My experience with my DS (who is also “high functioning” and whose Asperger’s is also pretty “mild” except when it isn’t hmm) is that I have to take the view that a meltdown doesn’t spoil the rest of the day; so long as we were having a nice time before and I can calm things down afterwards then most of the day was fine.

My main suggestion would be to think about how to keep things more or less calm. A lot of Aspie outbursts are caused or worsened by anxiety. The unexpected or unusual can worsen anxiety. And make it easy for her to avoid or escape from social encounters that she finds too much. Will it help if your parents decide what is going to happen when, and create a kind of Christmas timetable which they tell your DSis in advance so she knows what to expect? Your DSis might find that calming.

My DS is an only child so I can’t offer much help to you as a sister. It must be very difficult for you flowers

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