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Row on first day of work

(6 Posts)
Clare1971 Mon 30-Nov-15 09:31:42

Have had a very difficult two years with DD (almost 18) including MH issues. She has dropped out of school and college, and so far lost or given up two jobs. Today she started another job. I made up my mind to stay well out of the way but of course when she wasn't up with only half hour to go I went in. She was awake but laying in bed like a limp thing and said she might need a lift. I said I didn't mind if it would help with the anxiety but I wasn't doing it just so she could have another ten mins in bed so if she wanted a lift she needed to get up. Ten mins later she still wasn't up so I told her she was on her own and could get the bus. Roll on another 15 mins, first bus gone and she gets up. DH then offers to run her in (not undermining - had checked with me first) but points out they'd need to leave straight away. She then starts screaming and crying saying she has to do her makeup and that she'll get the bus. At this point we both back right off and leave her to it. She sobs a bit, does make up and gets bus. She will be at least 30 mins late on her first day and have very red eyes. Wishing now we had just left her to it. She would have been late but maybe without the tears and certainly less stress for us. The thing is, she is really anxious, and it almost feels as if she generates a row so she can get angry and upset at which point she seems to be able to get out the door. I'm really angry now as DH and I were both trying to be supportive but somehow I feel we made it worse. Not sure why I'm posting this. I think I want some very un-MN sympathy but feel free to bollock me if you think that would be more helpful.

ruthsmaoui77 Mon 30-Nov-15 11:33:55

Well you certainly have my sympathy xxx. I would have acted in the exact same way. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your DD has anxiety issues and no doubt this affects her deeply and causes the arguments. I have no practical advice, just be gentle on yourself xx. I hope the day goes well for your DD.

Heyho111 Tue 01-Dec-15 23:42:25

Arguing with her may have helped her. It may have given her something else to focus on rather than her anxiety. It may be her coping strategy without her realising it. That doesn't make it easier for you apart from feeling that you actually helped. Big hug.

Wolfiefan Tue 01-Dec-15 23:44:51

No bollocking sorry. Is she receiving any CBT, medication or outside help?
I can't see how you could have handled it better to be honest.

Clare1971 Wed 02-Dec-15 14:13:04

She is on medication but has refused all talking therapies. I think Heyho is right and it's a subconscious coping strategy. To be fair, she doesn't get cross with us often - it's more usually aimed at herself.

Junoandthepeacock Wed 02-Dec-15 14:22:07

She doesn't sound like she is capable of having a job at the moment. I'm not sure what the solution is, but being late on your first day does not bode well.
She is debilitated therefore and needs serious intervention.
That, or you cut ties with her, leave her to sink or swim, or else continue to support her financially.

You guys need to talk. Serious numbers. Money. Etc. Options available to her. Are there any courses locally who specialise in confidence building, preparation for workplace, that sort of thing? A sort of 'alternative' education? (There are in Ireland, but wouldn't know where to start looking for UK).

Would a mental health expert somewhere be able to refer to such a course? In Ireland, they get a top up on their benefits to attend. Full time courses. A bit like school. But no stress.

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