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Daughter has a convicted criminal boyfriend

(13 Posts)
Teennightmare Sun 29-Nov-15 07:58:10

Apologies for the lack of detail here but I'm keen to not be identified. My 19 year old dd has made the fantastic life choice and is going out with a boy convicted of a serious crime, as I say I can't go into too much detail but it is far from victimless.
I'm shocked that she has even spoken to this boy nevermind involved herself in a relationship with him, we have had many many talks about the implications of the relationship and I thought she had taken everything onboard but I now find out she is seeing him In secret, what can I do? I'm keen to hear from anyone who has been in this situation, Thanks.

Patchworkrainbow123 Sun 29-Nov-15 13:51:28

The only advice I would give is don't ban her seeing him. My parents did this with me and I ended up seeing him in secret, leaving home at 16 and moving in with him.

I would try and keep dialogue as open as possible. You don't have to welcome him into your home but i would keep your disapproval to a minimum. The more you push against him the more she will be drawn to him. Hopefully all the years of nurturing and care you have put into her will bring her to a place where she is able to make the right decision.

Another thought..not necessarily my opinion but can people change and could he be forgiven for making a past mistake? Was this something that occurred a long time ago? Has he changed/learnt since them?

expatinscotland Sun 29-Nov-15 13:55:05

Hopefully he will be given a custodial sentence and she'll realise how exciting it is to be with a guy who is in prison.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Sun 29-Nov-15 13:59:10

Give it no oxygen - because as you've already learned, she'll just see him in secret. Certainly don't have him in your home and all conversation about him should be kept to nothing more than vague non-committal noises on your part. Hopefully it'll burn itself out.

eurochick Sun 29-Nov-15 14:03:10

Not been there but I think I would roll my eyes and say it's such a cliche - bad boy boyfriend as a teenage rebellion. It wouldn't be what I would be feeling but it might make her feel less like it is a cool thing to do.

gamerchick Sun 29-Nov-15 14:05:09

You should have ignored it in the first place and it had a good chance of fizzling out. Now it's been driven underground she'll be determined it'll be forever. Stop going on about it, just don't mention him at all and say little when he does come up.

RhubarbAndMustard Sun 29-Nov-15 14:11:02

I guess it depends on the crime but could you talk to your daughter and find out why she is prepared to overlook his past behaviour. Maybe if she has given him the benefit of the doubt, you should too. Especially as she has listened to your advice. People can and do change and he may be full of regret/remorse and wants to move on with his life.

AtSea1979 Sun 29-Nov-15 14:13:26

It's good that DD has told you, just be glad about that.

specialsubject Sun 29-Nov-15 17:03:05

without requesting detail, I hope this doesn't place her at additional personal risk of him repeating whatever he has done to her. Or to you, come to that - secure your finances, valuables and so on.

I hope she comes to her senses.

yeOldeTrout Sun 29-Nov-15 17:33:28

Why is she seeing him in secret? I mean, why does she have to conceal it from you?

Teennightmare Sun 29-Nov-15 21:23:51

Thank you for all the replies
I know I have done the wrong thing as I initially went off at the deep end when I found out, partly due to shock at the seriousness of the crime I think and how dd could even consider being with someone who had commited the crime he has.
I have after discovering she is still seeing him, said that I will under no circumstances have him in my home and can't control who she see's but to take along hard look at the life choices she is making, I added that much as I don't agree with the situation I will always be there for her and would want her to come to me if ever she is in trouble or anything happens and she needs help. I know I have probably handled the whole thing very badly but its so very hard and emotions get in the way.

Peebles1 Mon 30-Nov-15 17:50:06

Im in a similar situation. 17 yr old DD seeing boy with record for drug dealing. Small time stuff but still. He still takes stuff, has his own flat. She stays over all the time. I'm worried he'll get caught with stuff on him or his flat raided, and she ends up with a record by association somehow. She's doing A-levels and wants to work with kids - so that would be that ruined. She tells me everything like your DD does. We've had lots of talks and we won't allow him in the house. I've met him when giving her lifts etc, he's pleasant. He's upset about his past and that we won't let him in the house. But he's still involved in a bad crowd etc. And frankly he's an idiot and I don't want her mixed up in it. I'm doing what's been advised here, keeping a good relationship with her, not showing much interest in him and letting her know she can come back if it all goes wrong. But it's HORRIBLE!! So I feel for you. Let's hope it passes. She's only been seeing him for three months (on the rebound) and already complains about his faults so fingers crossed.

sharoncarol43 Mon 30-Nov-15 19:39:53

actually, I disagree with not having him in your home, unless you feel he is an actual threat.

Getting to know him will make it easier to stay close to your daughter. Maybe you will find he is ok now, maybe you will find he is a manipulative charmer who has blinded your daughter to his faults, maybe you will find he is horrible.

But what ever it ends up being, I personally would rather the relationship was out in the open in front of me.

As I said, not if you feel he is a threat to your home or family

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