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18 yr old wants new boyfriend to sleep in her room

(72 Posts)
febel Sat 28-Nov-15 21:50:49

hi all, just a few thoughts and you may or may not agree with views but we haven't been asked this before....my 18 yr old YD (18 beg of August) lives at home as dropped back a year cos re did course. Is a very boundary pushing daughter and has been for the past few years...v tiring at times! She finished with local boyfriend recently and has become enamoured of a lad she met on 18-30s holiday at end of summer. Been in contact a lot on phone and via internet etc Went to stay with some of the people she met on said holdiay....including him (we didn't know about him at the time) at half term and said she stayed in grilfriend's house. She is going to an uni open day his way next week then going on to stay at his for a day or two, coming home on Saturday to work. She did ask but she is 18 and not much I could say whether liked it or not.
Tonight she broke the news that he is coming to see her and stay on that Saturday. She is expecting/hoping he will stay at ours. She also told me he wouldn't be sleeping in any of our two spare rooms (elder sisters have left home) but in her room in her bed. DH v unhappy about this..and to be honest I am not that happy. We may be old fashioned, DH particularly so,but in lots of ways he (and I) support her to the nth degree in all sorts of ways, ....and are happy to do so... but she has only seen this lad once since her holiday and now wants him to come and stay and sleep with her in our home and DH is most uncomfortable with it..and I think I am too. We are not used to boyfriends sleeping over (as in same bed) as the other two simply didn't ask as they knew their dad was uncomfortable with it. Although ED's boyfriend sleeps in same room as her (YD pointed this out) when they come to see us...ED has been going out with him for 6 years and has lived with him for 3 years! (She started seeing him at uni.) YD says that it's not the same, and we should let this lad sleep with her cos she won't have sex with him and doesn't see him otherwise, it's just about being close.
This is typical of her, and DH feels she just has no respect (she doesn't) and to be honest our life with her is a rollercoaster as she is v quick to anger if she doesn't get her own way and sees life in very black and white terms...and if we don't agree with her we are WRONG

Are we being unreasonable? She doesn't have a bad life, we do stuff for her, she is insured on our older car, which we were going to offer her at a nominal price in the next month or so, she has a large room, does no household chores to speak of and pleases herself pretty well..coming in and spending the majority of her time upstairs online / on her phone. I buy essential clothes and stuff, she buys extras (she has a job) and I pay for her sports activities. But she makes me feel so guilty when I don't cave in. Her last words tonight as I dropped her at her friends for pre drinking (bearing in mind I hadn't drunk so I could take her) were a challenging.., "Would it be the same if I was a lesbian and it was a girl I wanted to sleep in the same bed with?!"
I feel v mixed up and upset...and that I am not handling things well.

madwomanacrosstheroad Sat 28-Nov-15 21:56:07

There was a similar thread recently. I suppose st 18 she is an adult and the age of consent is 16.

broomy123 Sat 28-Nov-15 21:58:34

I'm a believer in 'my house, my rules' if she really liked this guy she would want you both to respect and like him and start it off on the right foot.

I wouldn't want some one I'd never met bunking up for the night with my daughter! Stick to your ground, she'll fight you I'm sure but don't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Good luck!

FellOffMyUnicorn Sat 28-Nov-15 22:03:45

"She also told me he wouldn't be sleeping in any of our two spare rooms (elder sisters have left home) but in her room in her bed."

I'd be saying you're right." he won't be sleeping in any of our two spare rooms he wont be sleeping here at all"

Yes - it would be the same if she was a lesbian

and as for this

"we do stuff for her, she is insured on our older car, which we were going to offer her at a nominal price in the next month or so, she has a large room, does no household chores to speak of and pleases herself pretty well..coming in and spending the majority of her time upstairs online / on her phone. I buy essential clothes and stuff, she buys extras (she has a job) and I pay for her sports activities. But she makes me feel so guilty when I don't cave in. Her last words tonight as I dropped her at her friends for pre drinking"

I'd stop giving her any money until her attitude improves. You chauffeur her around. You are allowing her to walk all over you,

Come on, put your foot down, its YOUR house!!!

0dfod Sat 28-Nov-15 22:11:11

If she acts like a child she gets treated like a child, I would be more hmm about her lack of pulling her weight around the home and you subsidising her lifestyle.

She is an adult and needs to pull her bloody socks up.

With regards to what she gets up to when she isn't at home re holiday romance, that really is not your concern as she is now an adult.

Seems to me that she needs to decide if she wants to be treated like an adult or not iyswim.

And bottom line is your home your rules. She can leave home if she wants to live by different rules.

specialsubject Sat 28-Nov-15 22:15:44

she can book a hotel or sneak out to the nearest field. Like it was done by previous generations. Allegedly.

she's treating your house like a hotel.

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Nov-15 22:18:28

My children went off to university at 18 and both of them had a boy/girlfriend before they went. I said that once they left home and came back to visit, they could have someone to stay, but that when they were actually living at home, it wasn't going to happen.

I certainly wouldn't let some bloke she hardly knows come and stay with her in her room. No way.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 28-Nov-15 22:41:25

I wouldn't be happy.

She's met him on holiday and this is the first time they've met since. Online convos aren't the same as RL and she's assuming that they'll be sharing a bed straight away. I'd be talking to her about respecting your space and also respecting herself. It's good that she's talking to you about what she'll get up to, wanting the closeness rather than sex, but I'd be asking if she's sure his expectations will be quite the same if they're in the same bed. If he's got any respect for the family he's coming in to, he'll be happy with the spare room.

febel Sat 28-Nov-15 23:02:41

Thank you so much...you have made me feel better about it...she was making me feel I/we were being so unreasonable. I find her v difficult to deal with (and I WORK with post 16 year olds...but then they aren't my flesh and blood) We have had a v rocky few years with her as she pushes and pushes any boundaries to the extent sometimes DH in particular just gives in cos he is so fed up of the anger and the slamming around etc.
Not sure how we have got to this stage...well I have...we haven't stuck to our guns perhaps as much as we should..although to be honest we have tried. But when you ground someone (at 16yrs old) and they just ignore you and escape (at one time climbing over the gate , another going to a friends and staying out over night without telling us) we just feel at our wits end..and wonder if we do get uptight about stuff and we should be more laid back and let her do what she wants (mind you, her sisters would have a d-fit...cos they respected both our views and didn't crash through them)

As you say, yes she is 18, and I wish she was at uni...roll on next year...but the fact is she is living in our home...and no she doesn't respect our rules half the time...says she can't see the point of them.

febel Sat 28-Nov-15 23:04:20

Meant to add....she is going up to his family home and presume she will be in his bed there.....says they don't mind so why do we.....

0dfod Sat 28-Nov-15 23:10:45

You do not have to give her reasons Op, it is your home and that is reason enough.

No more discussion, end of.

I knew someone who got so pissed off by door slamming teen that she took the girls door off.

pinkcoww Sat 28-Nov-15 23:13:37

One of my school friends was bisexual when I was 18 and her mum wouldn't let me sleep in her room when I stayed over knowing full well I had a boyfriend, very strange but I guess it's the house rules thinghmm

Maybe it would be a good idea to have a safe sex talk with her if you haven't already and get her some condoms. The give them out free in quite a few places. My mum wouldn't let me share a bed with my partner whilst I was still living with her and I still got pregnant so it's not always a guarantee it will stop things like that happening if that's what you're worried about

Nanofone Sat 28-Nov-15 23:13:52

But it's not just the OP's home, it's her DD's home too and she's an adult. She's old enough to know her own mind and make her own mistakes, and too old to have to tolerate interference from her parents.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 28-Nov-15 23:18:43

It's not her dd's 'home' since she isn't paying for it. Or doing any chores to contribute to it.

She acts like a kid, she gets treated as one.

I wouldn't want strangers staying over anyway. And certainly not some kid even she barely knows.

pinkcoww Sat 28-Nov-15 23:24:30

So in perspective an adult can bring strangers home for sex or have new partners sleep in their bed because they pay the bills and an adult child that can't pay anything can't do that

God I should have paid my mum if I wanted to sleep with my partner in my own bed when I lived there whilst studying wink

Nanofone Sat 28-Nov-15 23:27:11

Of course it's her DD's home! By choosing to have children parents create a family, and all family members are due respect and a say in how that family operates. Children, whether under 18 or over 18 , are not the property of their parents.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 28-Nov-15 23:30:04

I disagree that you don't have to give a reason. You do that with children and she wants to be an adult. Your reason is that you think it's too early in the relationship and part of being an adult (her) is that she needs to respect your feelings in your home.

pinkcoww Sat 28-Nov-15 23:33:39

What about in the future when she visits you with her partner/husband? Will you make them sleep in separate beds? Because she's an adult now and she'll still be one then, she won't be paying then either. I'm not saying that the decision isn't yours but she is an adult and over the consent age.

I think some parents need to get over the fact that their grown up children will be sexually active/want to be close with another male or female in their own home. Why don't you want them to share a bed or a room specifically? What don't you like about it?

LaurieFairyCake Sat 28-Nov-15 23:36:23

It's nowt to do with kids being 'property' confused

Just because they live there doesn't mean they get to decide who stays there

You don't let them have sleepovers when they want? Or invite strangers you don't know into your home?

The home is owned or rented by the adults, not the children. Children grow up, move out and pay for their own home if they want to choose who stays there.

LaurieFairyCake Sat 28-Nov-15 23:39:21

If my children wanted to visit with a partner or husband they would have to wait for an invite

Like all other people do grin

This kid is trying to dictate who will come and stay, who puts up with that?

pinkcoww Sat 28-Nov-15 23:42:36

The house is owned/rented by the parents, the home is what people share and build a family in. I was offered to live rent free in my parent's house with my baby and partner and they wouldn't have made me sleep separately to him. It's nothing to do with money. You share that place and if the parent can have friends over so can the adult child. I used to have friends over without asking because it was my home where I was comfortable, safe and able to make my own descisions about who I spent my time with

LaurieFairyCake Sat 28-Nov-15 23:43:16

And the clue is that they offered it you. I'm guessing you didn't dictate to them and were respectful.

Unlike this kid.

pinkcoww Sat 28-Nov-15 23:49:52

She's not a 'kid' she's an adult hmm

I can see her feeling that it's very unfair her sibling's partners can share their rooms. How old are they? It doesn't matter how fresh or old the relationship is, every relationship has to have a beginning. And heck at the fact it makes their father uncomfortable. How does he think he'll get grandchildren one day, or has that not crossed your minds?

LaurieFairyCake Sat 28-Nov-15 23:54:53

My children having sex doesn't make me uncomfortable at all, I've taken numerous young people to the family planning clinic.

I just wouldn't (and don't have ever) strangers staying in my house. Or who stays there dictated by people who aren't paying for the house.

I lol-ed at your 'grandchildren' comment, who ever cares about wanting their 18 year olds to have kids. grin

pinkcoww Sun 29-Nov-15 00:04:15

Well tell her to pay two days worth of bills if money means more to you than your daughter's happiness. My relationship was tainted because we barely spent that time together (he lived quite far away so had to come and stay every other weekend). I was 20. It was soul destroying not being able to be close to my partner whilst sleeping during the little time we had together. It affects relationships and happiness. If he is a long distance boyfriend it will affect her greatly and she will be longing for that closeness

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