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Not sure how much longer I can do this.

(27 Posts)
Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 13:13:57

I am a single mother to DD 14 , she has been extremely challenging for about 2 years. She has major anger issues and has received anger management to no avail. She sees camhs but won't engage with what they offer her.
I have fought her corner every day for years with school, with fall outs with everything but I am now at my wits end. She speaks to me with utter contempt , she humiliates me on purpose , she always wants more and is never happy, last night I allowed four of her friends to stay over. She shouted and swore at me when I refused to let them out at midnight and has spoke to me like utter shit ever since, in front of her friends then when I leave the room she's giggling with her friends. She does nothing to help herself let alone ever lift a finger around the house or do any homework. They scratched the hell out of my new dining table last night when I challenged her I just got a screamed sorry. She's never sorry, nothing's ever her fault and she has literally broken me today I cried (never do) and she just stormed out. I have no help with her my family find her so difficult they won't help and I've stopped even telling them or my friends. I'm not sure where I went wrong I reward good behaviour , sanction bad but she is so consistently challenging she does not care and just threatens to harm herself if I ground her , remove her phone etc. I still do but have to physically remove it and she battles for hours to keep it. On the odd occasion she's polite to me it's usually to ask something unreasonable like last night "sorry I've been so rude to you recently I'm just angry I don't mean it I love you , can you but me a bottle of vodka everyone else has one and your the only mum who doesn't buy it" confused. Then I say no then we are back to "whatever your such a jar don't talk to me I'm so angry".
The behaviour has increased in the last couple of months previously it was 50/50 now it's more like 99/1.

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Nov-15 14:51:20

Oh god that sounds horrendous! It's so much worse because you're trying to deal with it alone. Shame on your friends and family for backing off, though; you really do need help.

I wouldn't let her have friends around if that's how they behaved last time. I know it must be tempting as she's probably not as much in your face if she's got them round, but that sounds like they were all joining in on ganging up on her.

What does your GP say?

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Nov-15 14:52:15

I wish there were more residential schools offering full time help and support for teenagers in this situation.

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 15:18:33

Not a great amount they can't force her to engage unfortunately she chooses not to engage so nothing gets done. They just say she is "very tricky" !! I have put a friends ban after last night for at least 2 weeks.
I'm generally calm but I've been crying all bloody day she just text to say " I have feeling to don't know why your crying I'm the one who has anger issues" . I won't give up but I seriously felt like slapping her today blush

Ledkr Sat 28-Nov-15 15:27:35

* tina* my sil is going through the exact same thing with her Dd. I have no answers.

There is a new strategy for parents which I am hoping to train in next year, but in the meantime Google NVR. It would be good for your situation.

Are there any local charities in your area that might have NVR consultants or anyone else to help you? Have school helped? Her Dad!
I think you should call your family and friends together and tell them you need their help as well.

Mousybrown Sat 28-Nov-15 15:49:09

I'm sorry you are going through this, my daughter (14) can be really challenging but it's not ALL the time. She can be horrendous especially around her period but there are flashes of niceness. I have found the nicer I try to be then worse she is?if I really come down hard she reacts better than if I try to be reasonable which I can't understand? I find it embarrassing to talk to friends about because you fell like a failure especially as none of my friends have teenagers yet so they can't really understand what it's like.

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 16:00:03

I will google that tonight thank you.
I find if I ignore her completely and have 0 reaction it helps but she still carries on , but I'm only human and last night was the straw that broke the camels back.

Most of my friends have much younger children, two have teenagers but they are fairly compliant and work hard at school. I get a bit embarrassed to talk to RL friends as I worry I'll be judged! I really hoped it was a phase but it's such a fucking long phase hmm.

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 16:03:21

As for her dad he has been pretty crap in and out like a yo yo which is part of it. She's not seen him for about 4 years no contact, I have no idea where he even is. I'd like her to see a counsellor but she won't and as shitty a situation as it is it's becoming tiring baring the brunt 24/7 she uses it as default now. She does something awful them says "it's because of my dad". It could well be but I can't change him or be forever used as her outlet of rage!

Ledkr Sat 28-Nov-15 17:44:55

Can you get a break from it? I find it hard and that's with support. I was alone parent for some time but fortunately at a time when my kids were settled.
Don't be embarrassed, I'm a social worker and my Dd is a pain and my oldest son was on drugs at one point. Eh is a copper and there are many coppers kids who have turned up in the cells. No such thing as a stereotypical teenager.
Hopefully she will be one of those kids who improve with age.

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 18:20:29

i qualified as a social worker to but don't currently work as one. My job is with teenagers with EBD ironic huh!

She is staying at her friends tonight , to be fair I shouldn't have allowed it but I was desperate not to have another night of screeching. I just don't know where my little girls gone!

Onedayinthesun Sat 28-Nov-15 18:31:34

Sorry to hear you are going through this tina i haven't got anything really practical to offer in terms of tackling your DD behaviour but hope with some space to breathe tonight you will feel more able to cope tomorrow when she returns from her sleepover thanks

ImperialBlether Sat 28-Nov-15 19:45:04

You should have sent her a text back saying, "Yes and I'm the one who has to live with someone who has anger problems! Try putting yourself in my shoes for once - how would you like it if I treated you like you treated me?"

I'm so glad you've got a night off.

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 19:57:54

I did she replied "whatever". I foolishly thought toddlers were the hardest part. Give me a toddler tantrum over an angry teen any day! I feel much more relaxed now , after a few glasses of wine!
I'm not sure how to be with her tomorrow. i know I'll be back onto camhs on Monday that's for sure.

unicornspooprainbows Sat 28-Nov-15 21:18:42

Tina how awful this is for you. I too am a single mum and my daughter is only 10 but drives me spare, I can deal with her currently by sending her to her room as soon as she puts a foot out of line - I have zero tolerance to back chat and sassyness where I end up spoken to like crap. I too was in tears today. However she apologised, and we have been cuddling on the sofa this evening (she whispered I love you so much). Though I do worry I will be in your situation in years to come. I personally would insist on a psychologist. Who has diagnosed her with anger issues? Did they give her techniques on dealing with her outbursts? I wonder if she feels she can blame her despicable behaviour and brush it off simply because she has anger issues. I would put your foot down and have her see a specialist, you cannot be expected to put up with this, it is not fair on you, and she needs methods to help her deal with it, for her own sake now and in later life. Totally feel for you OP it's so tough being a single mum, but she will appreciate you and what you are coping with one day, take heart in that and relax yourself this evening thanks

Meloncoley2 Sat 28-Nov-15 21:29:54

what is she like at school?

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 21:34:17

Thank you so much flowers
She sees camhs but won't engage she has ASD and ADHD. I won't let this be an excuse for being abusive and she can switch it on and off, scream at me ,giggle and laugh with friends/boyfriend then scream at me again! I am usually very tolerant and understanding but every now and again I think aaarrrrgghhhhh then I get over it and move on. I sometimes feel I make progress then ten steps back. I just can't bare the way she behaves towards me at times I feel so uncomfortable as even when we eat she scowls and mutters "I hate the way you eat" I can't even eat right hmm I just feel like she hates my guts but no idea why.

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 21:35:28

She is extremely challenging at school and spends a lot of time in isolation.

Patchworkrainbow123 Sat 28-Nov-15 23:03:07

Could there be a brewing MH issue? I just ask because they often surface during adolescence?

You sound like your having a really tough time flowers

Tina39tina Sat 28-Nov-15 23:12:14

Yes she does and she does see camhs but just sits there scowling and refuses to talk at all so it's pretty tough going! Xx

thornrose Sun 29-Nov-15 09:02:11

That sounds tough. I'm in pretty much the same position. Lone parent, dd is 16 and has AS. Dd's dad died when she was 10.

Have you considered any medication? Do you have any youth services in your area? I know you said she won't see a counsellor but she could go along with a friend and jus have a chat with someone initially. The drop in centre near me actually looks cool and appeals to teens.

How is she at school? Do the pastoral team engage with her at all? It's good that she has friends, that is a real positive.

When dd was between 11 and 13 she seemed to hate the very sight of me. If I sniffed, or coughed and yes the way I ate! I really felt it was a very extreme sensory issue. She did grow out of this though!

I hope today is better. I totally get the 1 step forward 2 steps back thing!

Tina39tina Sun 29-Nov-15 09:47:59

She has been offered mediation but point blank refused several times.
I'm hoping if I can find counselling away from camhs she might go. She hates going to camhs think its the stigma and worry her friends might find out, it's a shame as her worker is lovely.
She's very difficult at school and very fussy with who she'll talk to she will talk to 2 out of about 50 of them. The pastoral team at DDs school aren't great but there is a ta who she vents to when she's angry or upset.
I feel how you did the sight of me seems to agitate her let alone eating, breathing or asking her to do anything or trying to chat. If I try and chat to her she feels I'm being like the Spanish Inquisition !

She does have quite a few friends but they are pretty up and down DD is quite argumentative so there is often plenty of bitching and dramas but that seems to be a universal thing. DD does get herself involved in anything and everything grin.

Tina39tina Sun 29-Nov-15 10:18:22

Stupid spell check meant to say medication

thornrose Sun 29-Nov-15 13:53:30

I'm in West Sussex we have "Your space" find it out centre, their website looks quite cool. Maybe you have one in your area?

Ledkr Sun 29-Nov-15 15:25:33

It sounds as if she has some reason to blame u. For why she's pisssd off. U are safe as she trusts you wi t reject her.
Doesn't help much tho I know.
If u pm me your area I'll look and see what other options there are if you like?
Have u tried "young minds" they may signpost you.

Tina39tina Sun 29-Nov-15 19:47:15

Thanks ladies I'll pm you my location! She has come in and gone straight to her room screeching on the phone ... At least it's not me. Tried to have a chat got the usual one word answers!

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