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rules for tech access? What is fair/normal?

(44 Posts)
Movingonmymind Sun 22-Nov-15 09:42:54

For 14 yr old dd. Claims everyone at school has phone/laptop etc in bedroom with unfettered access. We are being unfair to insist on leaving them overnight in another room, apparently. Grades not good, reguses to do sny after school activity. Rarely helps around house. Wont pick k up own dirty clothes etc etc. Otoh, says is depressed, recently moved schools so lots of change.

Kennington Sun 22-Nov-15 09:47:11

Answer is I don't know but a colleague has huge problems with her son for allowing unlimited access.
To the point where he becomes physical with her if she switches off the technology.
It might be a good idea to switch off the wireless at certain time points
We also have an Ethernet cable to use when wireless is off.
A desktop computer where you can see him?
Is really hard but it may help.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sun 22-Nov-15 09:50:43

Dd is 14yo and has her ipad in her room ivernight. I don't set any rules about screen time. However dd is doing well at school. If she wasn't id be tougher about stuff. I'd be insisting on homework before screentime, bed at 10pm with no phone, Etc.

Lolimax Sun 22-Nov-15 09:56:26

Tough one. Mine are 17 and 18 and I gave them unlimited access but in fairness things have changed very quickly, mine didn't have tablets as young teens for example. My DDS has a tablet, a laptop and mobile phone at 12 and I do definitely see the negative impact on him if he's allowed to use them late at night here. I think if mine were younger now there would be a curfew.

Movingonmymind Sun 22-Nov-15 09:58:37

Thats my thinking,Who. Dd can earn the right. Or not. And it's the laptop, the phone, the iPad. Bloody endless! And so recently an avid reader, now never picks up a book. And with new English GCSEs for which apparently wide reading is best preparation?! I despair! Oh to have a 7 year old again, the straightforward years!!

Fairylea Sun 22-Nov-15 09:59:07

Dd is nearly 13 and we have a strict no gadgets in bedrooms rule so she has to leave the iPad downstairs to charge in the kitchen when she goes up to bed but apart from that we don't regulate when she can go on it. If her homework or school work started to suffer we would do something but she seems fairly sensible.

howabout Sun 22-Nov-15 10:05:23

I know I am Draconian but just to say it is not everyone. Mine are 13 and 14. Computer / ipad access is limited to max 1.5 hours after homework and before teatime. It can be extended for specific projects but always goes off half an hour before bedtime. All technology is in public rooms. They do not have mobile phones. They don't feel hard done by but they have a lot of other stuff on and are out at activities every other evening and weekends.

ragged Sun 22-Nov-15 11:59:04

WiFi off for all the kids from 10pm.

16yo: does no activities, not depressed just happily in his little zone, finally doing some work, does tidy room of most minging items, has hidden away in room with devices for yrs. Mostly talks to me via our pets. Grades mostly good because he's clever not because he works hard. Very annoyed because I will never buy him games rated above age 15.

We used to be so controlling, but around the time eldest was 14yo I thought we had to ease up, I didn't have the stamina to keep going. I do yell at them with consequences they know I will enforce if they can't make it to school in morning.

14yo: Very ambitious & although doesn't self-regulate perfectly, mostly drives self on. Has finally become picky about clubs. Says we are extremely relaxed & permissive compared to all friends' parents. Frequently states how grateful she is for it!!

11yo: we take phone off him about 9pm, has no other devices.

Clare1971 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:24:35

If I could turn back the clock the first thing I would do differently would be restrict access to internet in DDs bedroom. We brought her a laptop at 15 and because she was so sensible and doing well in school we trusted her to manage it. Biggest mistake ever and without doubt some of the awful situations we've had to deal with over the last 3 years have been caused, or at least made vastly worse, by her access to the internet. Once you allow it it becomes from difficult (and confrontational) to change the rules. Having said that we have been forced to step in. Now, at nearly 18, the internet goes off at 11pm for everyone in the house. Seriously, don't be fooled by the 'doing well and sensible bit'. My advice would be no internet in room after 10pm and make a habit of dropping in and out of the room unannounced before that. Sorry to sound so pessimistic. Stick to your guns.

Clare1971 Mon 23-Nov-15 11:25:03

from far more

KikiTheFrog Mon 23-Nov-15 16:54:30

Well sorry to say I think it gets worse as they grow older. I was forced to take dds phone off her overnight on school nights as she couldn't be trusted not to be on internet all night. She was 15 at the time and this continued until after her GCSE's and now she is allowed it back. She still cannot self regulate but she has to take responsibility now. That's the idea anyway. She still can't regulate her use angry

I would say restrict tech use now while you still can. And contrary to what the dcs say, not everyone is allowed unlimited use of gadgets.

purpledasies Tue 24-Nov-15 08:41:24

I confiscate phones of my two (15 and 12) if I catch them using them after they're supposed to be going to sleep. But they do most nights end up in their room all night.

Sgtmajormummy Tue 24-Nov-15 09:11:26

This is a hard one. Teenagers' lives are tied up with technology, to the point where banning it actually puts them at a disadvantage (researching homework, doing group projects, keeping up to date with daily timetable changes).

My 17yo DS walks a very thin line between acceptable and excessive and we use his schoolmarks as a determining factor. He's a high achiever and is capable of doing very good work, even in the subjects he's not particularly fond of.
If his running average for all subjects (checked weekly on the school website) goes below 75% he loses access to all technology and his SIM card goes into a calls/sms handset. Failing a test is also the cause of a ban until he gets the next pass in that subject.

On a normal daily basis his phone is charged overnight in the sittingroom, WIFI goes off at 10 and he uses his computer in full sight. We have the password for his computer, not him, and (occasionally) check his history. His Youtube account is on my Ipad, so I see what he's watching, too. There have been times when I've checked his phone, but they were exceptions.

He's a great young man but Technology is like Pandora's box. I remember seeing a newspaper cartoon. A person is running full speed to a signpost that reads "Success!" "Life Goals!" "Fulfillment!" but he hasn't seen the trench full of skeletons in his path marked "Internet" "Facebook" and "Youtube".

At the time it made me smile, but I wish I'd kept it.sad

JustDanceAddict Tue 24-Nov-15 10:25:54

They haven't got that much time to go on tech during the week as they have homework. They know that homework has to be done first, to a reasonable standard, so they can have their tech afterwards. Of course, I have caught DD skyping friends later than ideal, but usually she is good and is very conscientious and it's when she has finished h/w. They have to have some downtime of an evening. DD has laptop in room from age 12 for homework which is what she uses for Skype as more reliable! Probably more issues from this than the phone as she's very in to YouTube.
If I felt tech use was affecting their schoolwork or social lives then I would be more restrictive and I have confiscated the phone for various misdemeanours. It's a good bargaining tool as well.

janinlondon Wed 25-Nov-15 10:46:26

Again (apologies, I always end up asking the same questions on these threads) do none of your children need the internet for school work? And do none of them refuse to take the phone back after it has been confiscated? I am astounded....?

janinlondon Wed 25-Nov-15 10:48:06

And as for "wandering into their room unannounced" - oooh the can of worms that one opens???! These seem to be terribly meek, unquestioning, malleable children.........????

howabout Wed 25-Nov-15 11:17:12

Mine don't have their own room - solves a lot of problems smile

Internet access freely available for homework activities in the public rooms in our house. Not sure it is very helpful to bring up dc to believe they need their own private study space - I have always had an open plan office environment.

Sadik Fri 27-Nov-15 15:48:41

13 y/o here.

All tech/phones out of bedrooms and on charge overnight (for everyone)

Screentime app installed on tablet - no limiters turned on, but she is expected to self limit to an average of no more than 3 hrs per day over the week & I keep an eye on it. (Her phone doesn't do internet).

If she wants to she can use my computer in a shared space for homework so it doesn't contribute to her screen time limits, but she generally doesn't bother as she prefers her tablet.

It works fine when she's in a good space getting on with friends and all's right with the world, a bit more of a struggle if/when she's having a hard time. Also more of a problem like now when the weather is shocking, as most of the non screen things she likes to do are outdoorsy.

Mummyhey Sun 29-Nov-15 16:37:42

I need a clear rule that everyone understands and cannot argue with. Monday to Friday it's a clear 'no tech after tea' rule but I find the weekends are just a constant battle of pulling them off their tech and getting them to do other stuff. Can anyone suggest any weekend simple rules? X

nooka Sun 29-Nov-15 22:55:02

We don't really have any rules (about the use of technology anyway) in our house. When our children were younger they didn't have anything in their bedrooms (consoles and computers both in the main areas of the house and neither had a phone) but they both got laptops at around about 13/14 (ds a bit earlier as he needed it for school). Bedtime is at 10pm and devices have been removed if I've caught them playing on them late at night, but at 15/16 I no longer check for lights under their doors.

My two do their homework unprompted and do their chores (sometimes with lots of prompting!), I don't feel the need to manage their lives very much, but I recognise that they are at the saintly rather than the demonlike end of the teenager spectrum (I don't ascribe this to our parenting at all!).

MyballsareSandy2015 Mon 30-Nov-15 09:14:42

My 14 year old DDs both keep saying that I'm the only parent in the whole school who makes them leave iPads and phones downstairs at night. One of them in particular would spend all night on it and not get up for school.

Neither of them are meek or malleable but seem to accept this at the moment with a bit of moaning.

unfairlydoneby Tue 01-Dec-15 16:51:38

Not at all. Internet is for homework only for them, and only when they can prove to me that it needs doing on the internet..

The only computer is in full view of the sofa where I can see it, and the internet is blocked until I put the password in for it to work.

They won't have proper phones until they can pay for them and insure it at the same time - my 15 year old has a KURIO 4S which connects to free WiFi networks on the buses so he can text us if he needs us. We've removed the contacts function because he spends the day at school to contact his friends - he has two icons on his screen that allow him to call us and that's it. Texting is removed and he knows if he goes on snapagram or whatever it is this week, there will be consequences.

Absolutely NOT in the bedroom.

janinlondon Wed 02-Dec-15 16:19:21

But................when you remove the phone from them, do they not then just simply refuse to ever take it back? That's the standard operating procedure for all the teenagers I know......"Well its your phone now."

Sgtmajormummy Wed 02-Dec-15 16:40:46

Why would they refuse to take their phone back? It's their lifeline to their "virtual" existence.

janinlondon Wed 02-Dec-15 16:47:39

Oh they can live without it - especially if they know it causes us problems. It's our lifeline to find them when they are en route to and from school across London, when the hockey bus breaks down, when the trains are delayed, when the school schedules last minute drama rehearsals, when they need to be picked up from sports fixtures...............if they are uncontactable, or cant let us know where they are, its not their fault. We took their phone.

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