My turn to rant - dd16

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

I am just wondering how I am going to survive these next couple of years without going crazy. Dd is determined to leave home and "share a flat" as soon as she is 18 and gets a job. Bring it on!

I love her to bits but she is just so so bloody lazy. Her room is a tip, she does nothing to help at home, is up till all hours on social media, treats college like a social club in that she does as little as humanly possible there, avoids everyone at home like the plague. I am not allowed to ask about her social life/ boys/friends or comment on the lack of college work being done and I get stop treating me like a baby, I'm 16 fgs when I express an opinion she does not like. And the temper on her is another thing. Let's just say this past year with her has been mostly horrible and I've felt like just running away from it all in many occasions.

I have an older dc who is not at all like this and I have brought them up exactly the same way. What happened?

So I know there are many going through similar with their kids so I invite you to join this rant and make me feel a little less alone.

Rant over

[HSMMaCM]

You didn't mention the entire contents of your crockery and cutlery in their room. I have a 16 yr old and her favourite words are "shut the door"

[cdtaylornats]

Stop treating her like a child, cut of money, phone, wifi, washing clothes and feeding for free. Let her earn privileges like food and clean clothes either by helping out or by getting a job and paying. Treat her exactly like an adult - Christmas presents can be a free meal and perhaps two weeks washing.

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

Yes yes yes. Plates and cups and shut the door.

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

Blimey cd that a bit harsh

[cdtaylornats]

To be fair it is harsh, but I wouldn't expect you to keep it up for long - just until she improves. You could tell her it was to give her experience of the realities of a flat share - this might involve you going out, getting pissed and coming in noisily when she is asleep.

[3catsandcounting]

I think we should set up Mumsnet Teen-Share, where we all swap DCs for a week or two, show them the error of their ways in the style of boot camp, and send them crying and pleading back home.
We don't need to make a TV programme if it, or anything tacky like that; we'll just keep it to ourselves.

That'll learn 'em!

[HSMMaCM]

3cats can we be like those families on worlds strictest parents and make them re-roof the garage and things like that?

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

cd if only I had the guts to do it. I'm starting off slowly by not doing any of her ironing today. See what she says to that! However, knowing her she will just wear everything creased.

Yes to boot camp. Who's up for mine. I suspect she would revert back to her old ways as soon as she got home though. Bring back national service for stroppy teens! That's the answer. If they are not up to scratch at home when they finish GCSE's then they get shipped off

[Wolfie2]

I only cook for mine if they do their set jobs. If they fail to tidy up after themselves and also wash the pots, I don't provide an evening meal (and packed lunch). Seems to work

[3catsandcounting]

It's the laziness and entitled attitude that gets to me most.
DD hasn't been brought up with these ideas of superiority; her brother certainly doesn't have this attitude, and her friends are openly aghast at her beliefs on how she should be able to live her own life whilst still demanding all the comforts and material possessions she enjoys, but contributing nothing.
But, following my thread on here last week, 'How Do I Stop Taking this Personally' (I'm on the app and don't know how to link!) I am actually getting better at detachment and I'm hardening myself, which doesn't come easily, but I'm seeing it as a way of preparing her for real life. I've been honest with her and told her why I'm doing this; she kind of understood (in a rolling-eye, tutting sort of way).
Yesterday, she texted to ask if I could come and collect her from college as it was pouring down and she'd get soaked waiting for the bus. I said no, but I'd make sure there was plenty of water for a nice hot shower when she returned. Baby steps!!

[errorofjudgement]

Sorry, I don't think it's at all harsh to stop doing things for someone who doesn't appreciate it, and is very entitled.
Honestly, stop enabling her rotten behaviour.
At 16 she should be perfectly able to do her own laundry and cook her meals. I would absolutely refuse to do these for an adult who doesn't appreciate it and reciprocates by cooking for me once a week.
I also expect my older teens to help out round the house, after all it is their home and it doesn't magically clean itself!

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

Why is dd so lazy? Why does she think its OK not to try her best at college and actually study?

I don't understand how she is like this. Dh and I have worked hard for everything we have so why doesn't she? She knows she is not going to get any handouts from us so how does she think she is going to survive?

Literally all she cares about is her friends/going out/how she looks. Nothing else matters.

What did I do wrong? I don't see how imposing all these sanctions and refusing to feed/do laundry/cut off her phone will suddenly make her spring into action and start studying. Knowing her it would probably make her worse and push her into doing something stupid.



Another rant over

[PotteringAlong]

But where does she get the money to go out if she's not earning it by doing jobs / keeping her room tidy? She's right, stop treating her like a baby and make her earn stuff!

[PotteringAlong]

Whether she studies or not is her lookout, not yours. It might bot make her study but at the moment you're reinforcing her belief that even if you do bugger all it's ok because you still get everything you want. You need to make her see that that's not the case.

[RickOShay]

Sometimes I feel like Frankenstien, What have I created? shut the door, and I don't like the bit between my mouth and nose, and can I have a mac lipstick have been dd"s main topics of conversation today, or soundbites. She is only 13.

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

She only gets £5 to spend on a weekend. She doesn't need money to go out as they either hang out in the park or at someone's house now its turned cold.

I wouldn't mind if she was busy studying. I would let things go if I could see she was working but she isn't. She won't even pretend to study, which is what ds did sometimes to make me happy.

I just don't want to fight with her any more as we went through a really bad patch this year and I can see she is trying to be a nicer and is making an effort that way. Don't want to go back to where we were.

[milaforni]

Be sure you set aside a day to teach her how to do her laundry and iron. Then tell her this is her responsibility. Tell her you respect the fact that soon she will live on her own and you want to help her learn to manage.
I had 6 DC and some were angels but a couple I didn't think I would live through their teens.
But I tried to get them prepared for the next step with practical responsibilities. If they didn't get their wash done then too bad.
I never did it after I turned over the job to them.
One daughter that I tried to teach to cook was having none of it. But she did the dishes (then) and has since learned to cook in her twenties since she's been on her own.
They do turn out to be pleasant responsible adults. Teach what you can and remember you will make it through.

[Bigpants4]

You're enabling her. She has little value for what you provide because she gets everything with ease. She feels entitled.

I provide meals if mine do set chores. Team work and all that. I am not their slave, I refuse to be treated like staff.

Phones are taken off the kids at 9.00pm. There is no reason for them to be using screens/IT after this time or before 8am.

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

How old are your kids Bigpants. I suspect you've always done this. That's where I've gone wrong. Done too much for too long. But ds is totally different and has been treated the same.

Dd would happily live on tins of soup or beans if i stopped cooking (i dont every night tbh) and if I tried removing phone from nearly 17 year old at 9 pm I think I'd be in for a struggle. If she is even in at that time. Its clearly all my fault coz I'm too soft then

[HSMMaCM]

DD always did chores and handed in her phone at 9. Now she's 16 she's allowed her phone overnight, but if she misses her bus she hands over her phone when she gets home from college.

She's not as good at chores as she was, but will do something if specifically asked. We eased up over GCSEs and never quite managed to get back to the old routine.

[Bigpants4]

Young teens.

Yes it probably would have been easier if you'd got your kids into the routine (screens/chores) earlier on. I don't consider myself to be hard on my kids, I see that my role is to prepare them for life and that includes how to look after themselves and responsible screen usage.

If she's not bothered about meals, maybe she needs to earn screen/phone time by doing chores?

How is her phone/lap top paid for?

[Hedgehoginthegarden]

I pay for phone contract but really she gets not much else. She does not ask for anything as she knows she wont get it. Removal of this will be a last resort and it will be a pay as you go effort with no unlimited data etc if that happens.

Ds did not do much either, although he would if asked, but he was doing a lot of studying so I kind of let him get away with it. Dd, on the other hand, is hardly doing any studying so it seems a lot worse. She has not even got the sense to pretend to study .

I can't exactly say do chores or I will cancel phone when I didn't do this to ds.

Seems like I only have myself to blame. I'm a shame to motherhood

[Bigpants4]

Do you know what grades she's capable of achieving? What about rewarding productivity? Hard work.

All parents make mistakes. You just need to look forward, rather then backwards

[Bigpants4]

Maybe also try avoiding comparing your kids. They are equally brilliant I'm sure.

[Bigpants4]

Also can you do something together regularly. Share a hobby. Connect.