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15+ but NOT 16 yet wanting to have sex - Dilemna

(18 Posts)
QuartzUcan Fri 20-Nov-15 21:38:21


My son really does "talk to me" so I am lucky that I even know that he is considering having sex pre- 16. (I also work in education so know I am lucky here).

I also know the law in case anyone is wondering I don't. I am fully aware of their age and implications.

HENCE my question as I have been losing sleep as a parent over this.

My dilemna, of course, is that he is under 16, as by law I can not "condone" sex under 16.

He has shared with me tonight that wants to have sex with his girlfriend soon - he has actually said they are planning it very soon!- they are ready - she has already done it before with someone else shock

and this is the real task ...

He asked today if I could get him condoms. As he wants to make sure he does the right thing and it is safe (think he is thinking more birth control than sexual safety at the moment).

I told him to go to Welfare at school and ask for them there- too embarrassing apparently. [Big grin] I had hoped to push him done the obvious route first. He is at a college for 14-19 years olds, so all very grown up already!

Unbeknown to him there is a pack of condoms I bought today in supermarket ( they had alarm lock on them so had be be released by a member of staff!) hidden away at home. I actually am shocked than a) I bought them and b) at some point soon we will have conversation about condoms!!!!

I want to have another conversation this weekend with him properly. I did not have have sex young. Obviously he is ready to. I want to do the right thing here.

I REALLY have said all the right things; I honestly have. His younger sister is only 11 and just started Secondary and I am very conscious of what he says and does around her, being that bit older. He knows this too and is respectful of that.

I am being too REASONABLE? Or should I accept that some 15 yr olds have sex and I am at least getting him to talk to me, say what he intends to do and ask for help in making sure he is protecting both of them?

I am looking for some solid advice here rather than people quoting me the law ( of which I am fully aware) .

I always thought I would quote the law to my kids , but now I am in this situation and it is real, this feels quite different.

advice and help needed please

purpledasies Fri 20-Nov-15 21:56:50

I think I'd let him have the condoms, and leave him to it, assuming the girl is a similar age. 16 is the law, but it can't possibly be that everyone hits that right level of maturity on the day of their 16th birthday. DSD1 had a serious BF when she was 15, and I think it's quite likely they had sex. DH prefered to stick his head in the sand about it, but personally i thought she was mature enough to know what she was doing. DSD2 on the other hand is now the same age and is nowhere near ready for that kind of relationship and I doubt she'll be when she turns 16 either. The thought is horrefying.

My DS is 15 and yet to get past Super Smash Bros with a bunch of smelly boys, so doubt he'll be at it too soon either. People grow up at different rates.

And I was too embarrased to buy condoms until I was about 30, so I wouldn't hold that up as some sign of immaturity. If he's able to talk to you about it and discuss condoms, sounds like he's ready.

JennyOnAPlate Fri 20-Nov-15 22:00:59

I would absolutely give him the condoms. If you do you will be secure in the knowledge that he's having safe sex. If you don't you will be worrying that he's doing it without protection.

EatSleepTeachRepeat Fri 20-Nov-15 22:14:04

Face facts - he's going to have sex; whether or not you give him the condoms.

Give him the condoms asap, leave them on his bedside cabinet or his bed or something - be subtle. At least then he will know he can trust you and can call on you in times of need; this is a very positive thing!

Haffdonga Fri 20-Nov-15 22:16:31

Wow. Congratulations on having such an open relationship with your ds. I haven't managed it with mine

What I think I would actually do (which I am NOT actually recommending as morally ) is tell ds that you don't condone the sex and you want him to wait for all the sensible and legal reasons, but also tell him where the condoms are. Tell him you wont be checking them and that if he is going ahead against your advice that he should take the condoms.

QuartzUcan Fri 20-Nov-15 23:13:57

Thank you all of you so much - I can't explain how reassuring it was to read your collective advice.

I agree of course; if they have decided they will, they will somehow!

My son now has the condoms.

I am finding this difficult but so helpful to read the responses tonight, thank you.

Sugarsugar123 Sat 21-Nov-15 09:54:37

I would give them to him thank him for being so honest. In an ideal world they would wait but many don't. I didn't and was considerably younger than your son confused I am not scarred in any way from it but wish I'd waited a bit longer it wasn't memorable ! My DD is nearly 15 and I have my suspicions unlike your son she gets mortified at the mere mention and vanishes shouting "omg you must think I'm a tart I'd never do that". I found a condom wrapper but it was her "friends" shock. I'd like her to be honest I don't think you can stop them if they want to I found a way with strict parents!

Hedgehoginthegarden Sat 21-Nov-15 11:27:18

I am envious of the fact that you have such a good/open relationship with your ds OP. My dd16 tells me only what she wants me to know - nothing! As others have said its best that he has the condoms and is being safe. Tbh they are probably going to do it anyway.
Sugar my dd tried to pass off something I found as being her "friends" as well. But that's a whole different story!

MrsPiddlewink Sat 21-Nov-15 11:32:37

Quatzyoucan My DS is much younger but having an open relationship is something I really hope to achieve. Can you give me any advice? My DS is 10.

I had -still have- a very distant and, at times, quite a cold relationship with my folks and I'm desperate for this not to happen with my own children.

CookieDoughKid Sat 21-Nov-15 11:33:44

I had sex when I was 14 and wish I had a Mum like you. I think you are doing the right thing or else he would have gone behind your back and lord knows what could happen. I think sex education should start much younger. I wanted sex since I was 11 or 12 but then, I knew I was always very into sex and I still am.

CookieDoughKid Sat 21-Nov-15 11:35:54

I also know 8 and 9 year olds do talk about sex in the playground. We go to a very posh middle class school and our kids seem to know so much already. Not that wealth has anything to do with it but just proves our kids are not in cotton wool no matter how much we try to keep them there.

SuburbanRhonda Sat 21-Nov-15 11:36:14

Good result, OP.

I had a similar thing with my DS (now 17).

His mate got his mum to buy him condoms for his birthday which rather took the matter out of my hands shock

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone Sat 21-Nov-15 13:11:28

It's important that he's safe so I think you did the right thing, but I would point out to him that if he's old enough have sex, he's old enough to get condoms, either free from welfare type groups at school etc or buying them in a shop.

MarieJeanne Sat 21-Nov-15 13:19:44

I think you are doing the right thing. If it's any comfort, the age of consent here in France is 15. I don't think French teenagers are that much more mature than in the UK. It's just a number.

Couldashouldawoulda Sat 21-Nov-15 13:34:40

Well done - a very tough one but if they're going to do it anyway, which they are, far better that he has them. He does need to man up and learn to buy his own, though - if you're old enough to have sex and all that...

Sugarsugar123 Sat 21-Nov-15 13:38:56

Funny how much stuff their "friend" leave in their room. Cigarettes, alcohol and now an empty condom wrapper!

I'm also envious DD tells me all the gossip but only others never anything about her!

specialsubject Sun 22-Nov-15 13:05:57

that's the starter pack - he needs to buy more for himself.

is she on the pill/patch/implant too? Belt and braces essential at this age.

TheLesserSpottedBee Tue 24-Nov-15 20:58:24

I don't know if anyone is interested but there is a series of videos on YouTube by qualified sexologist Dr Lindsey Doe. Her series is called Sexplanations.

In the video below she talks about sex shields and the "out" condoms (as opposed to the femidom internal ones) starts at 2.40 mins. I thought it was helpful to show teens how to safely remove a condom from a packet, how to check it is the right way out and how you remove it safely.

She uses a wooden penis to demonstrate.

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