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15 yr DS with Girlfriend = Disaster

(129 Posts)
TheLastResort1971 Sun 15-Nov-15 10:09:05

Hi All,
Hopefully someone can guide me on our current situation.
We have DS 15 and DS 12, the 12 yr old is a dream the usual little ups and downs but nothing major. My 15 yr old has turned our life upside down and we are now at the point of involving social services to hopefully have him moved out of our home before my DH ends up going to prison as we are at the point of killing him.
8 mths ago he got a girlfriend which initially started off as a very light not intense relationship, we invited her to us for dinner on numerous occasions as well family gatherings, DS 15 has become infatuated with her to the point his school work has taken a huge nose dive going from a A/B predicted student to a C/D prediction and that's if he is lucky. When not at school he is constantly messaging the GF or FaceTime when questioned about his homework he says he has completed it at school which we believe but I'm guessing the bare minimum. He was booked to go to France and Germany next year with the school which I have cancelled as he has not earned it, was paying for private music tuition weekly also cancelled as no interest so why waste £100 per month. He has no respect for me or his Dad and we are at the end of our tether.
Has anyone had experience of similar and what is the process of trying to get social services involved as it is now affecting DS 12 which is not acceptable.
He is deceitful, devious and all that matters is this GF, the messages consist of swearing his undying love, never want to lose you, want to spend the rest of my life you, her response is just yes me to so it is mainly him being infatuated rather than the other way round.
We are at our wits end as to what to do next.
Any advice,suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Thanks in advance

Wishful80sMontage Sun 15-Nov-15 10:10:33

What behaviour made you contact social services OP?

BrandNewAndImproved Sun 15-Nov-15 10:11:08

Is that it and you've called ss.

I really don't think they willremove your ds foe behaving like a teenager. Hes not violent towards you, he's not about to set his brother on fire, he's not a drug addict I think you need a reality check.

Branleuse Sun 15-Nov-15 10:18:38

I think I was like this over my first proper boyfriend.
I think he probably needs support, and maybe the odd bit of ribbing over his infatuation

gamerchick Sun 15-Nov-15 10:22:49

Must admit OP unless you've missed bits out I don't see what he's done that's so terrible confused

GloriaHotcakes Sun 15-Nov-15 10:22:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoTwoOneBravo Sun 15-Nov-15 10:25:13

Is he violent? Is he stealing things? Do you think he is a danger to himself or to other members of the household? Has your DH been violent towards your son? Can you tell us why SS are involved?

What methods have you tried to manage his behaviour?

Fairylea Sun 15-Nov-15 10:25:15

So he's dropped from an A to a C and lied about doing some homework .....? And he's messaging his first girlfriend a lot with messages of undying love?

Failing to see how he's any different to the vast majority of teenagers here. I think you've been ridiculously harsh, sorry.

SweetnessNshite Sun 15-Nov-15 10:26:31

Have you been reading his messages to his gf?!

Tutt Sun 15-Nov-15 10:26:45

Why are you contacting ss?
Sounds quite intense but why are you at 'the point of killing him' seems very extreme, unkind and not at all understanding of how teens work.

BeverlyGoldberg Sun 15-Nov-15 10:26:43

What has he done that is deceitful?

He's a teenager with rampant hormones. You're in danger of turning this into a forbidden love and making it a lot worse. Unless there's more to it than you have said, ringing SS is ridiculous.

TheLastResort1971 Sun 15-Nov-15 10:28:03

Sorry should have elaborated more and made clear we are at the point of calling SS
DS 15 went to attack my DH a week ago on that occasion my DH had to forcibly hold him back not hitting him but head locking him to stop being punched by DS
Last night I asked my DS 15 have you brushed your teeth to which he responded has DS 12 done his I then said I am asking you have you Donne yours to which he stropped in the bathroom and done his teeth my DH overheard the frosty exchange between us and then said your Mother is asking you to do as you are told to which my DS 15 starts to answer back with all sorts of rubbish DS then gets in bed and switches his TV on to which my DH says switch off response being no why should that was red rag to a bull DH says because it my house and I am talking to you DS no I don't want to talk to my DH goes to take the controls and DS goes to lash out at his Dad as you can imagine a huge row erupts.
I was asking if anyone else has dealt with similar here not a reality check this is unknown territory for us and what have others done is a similar situation.

DrewsWife Sun 15-Nov-15 10:28:32

The more you go on about her being a bad influence on your pfb the more he will continue to fight against you.

If I were you I would play the long game. Invite her over. Make her welcome. Nothing puts a teen off of someone more than parents who approve of something.

I'm also confused and concerned about your use of involving SS.
Unless there is some massssive backstory,

flossietoot Sun 15-Nov-15 10:32:11

Hi, this isn't really something social services would consider a high priority. It sounds like you need help with parenting teenagers as opposed to anything else. You could phone the duty worker and ask for organisations that could help, or to refer you to some parenting classes, but what is available will differ across the country.

BreeVDKamp Sun 15-Nov-15 10:32:54

From reading your last post I still don't see why you'd need to contact SS :-/

Fatrascals Sun 15-Nov-15 10:33:59

What on earth are you calling social services for?
Because a teenager doesn't like being told what to do?

Any parent would know that turning off the TV like that would cause a massive ruck. And nagging him about cleaning his teeth? Just tell him they are his teeth and if he wants rotten, black teeth he doesn't need to clean them.

I think you simply need some parenting advice.....someone will be along with some and maybe some suggestions of books. Don't start thinking that his behaviour is bad.....it sounds normal. Your responses may need some tweaking to minimise atagonising him.

cheekyfunkymonkey Sun 15-Nov-15 10:36:25

Do you want ss help re advice handling teens and how your dh can manage his temper? Not sure they are the best place, but may be able to point you in direction of support. I am unclear why your ds's behaviour deserves him being asked to move out.

wannabestressfree Sun 15-Nov-15 10:36:50

I am sorry I think you need a reality check.... He is being a teenager and you need to deal with that. The answering back etc comes with the territory and it sounds like you need some parenting classes.

Social services I imagine will help you deal with him but why would they remove him? I am astounded you want that. What happens when your 12 year old starts answering back....

You also need to step away from the Dickensian 'my way or the high way' and that's it. Its not working.

I teach teenagers. I live with three. You need to compromise. Nothing I have read would interest social services other than your husband needing help with anger management. Talk to the school and leave the boy be. Trust me it will sort itself out.

Fairylea Sun 15-Nov-15 10:37:45

I think you sound too over involved to be honest and he is pushing back. A 15 year old doesn't need to be told off for not brushing their teeth, sure if they're a mucky so and so you'd tease them about it and say something like "god no girl is going to kiss you with breath like that" - sort of embarrass them into it but ultimately personal hygiene is something of a common problem for teens and not worth pushing them to the brink of having a physical fight about. It sounds to me like because there's so much tension about everything everyone is ready to explode at each other. I have a relative who is a social worker and they won't be that interested in something like this, they would see it as an escalation of a family conflict with a teen who is growing up and pushing boundaries, as they all do.

BoboChic Sun 15-Nov-15 10:39:30

The more you punish him, the more he will turn to his GF. SS are not going to be interested in your lack of common sense parenting skills!

flossietoot Sun 15-Nov-15 10:39:40

I would recommend 'seven habits for highly effective families'- there is a book and a programme which you could try and get on to.

gamerchick Sun 15-Nov-15 10:40:01

I agree, it's you that needs some help on how to deal with teenagers.

You're treating him like a little kid and seem to think the 'you will do as you're told' approach still works. His brains doing its remapping thing, he's at that horrible inbetween age getting used to hormone surges with parents who haven't realised that he's growing up and needs to be handled differently.

YOU are the problem here not him.

mrsmilktray Sun 15-Nov-15 10:41:12

Why did your dh order him to turn off his TV? It sounds like a very regimented household. Your younger ds is probably just more passive.

shutupanddance Sun 15-Nov-15 10:41:19

Do you want ss to take your son away? Why have you called them? Your dh needs to be the adult a d control himself. If ds is being violent call the police. Make it very this will happen before next incident.

SheSparkles Sun 15-Nov-15 10:41:53

Unless there's an awful lot more to this, I think you and DH need to take a step back. I'm saying this as one who has had to learn to do the same. The situation where your son went for dh Seems to have come about from your dh hounding him after the tooth brushing, dh joined in telling him not to speak to you in the way he did, so it became 2 against 1, DS switched his TV on, was told to switch it off, and so it went on.

I'm not for a second saying that you son is in the right, but sometimes you have to recognise the point at which to step back and choose your battles.
You haven't brushed your teeth? Fine, they'll rot and you'll need treatment. At 15 he's well old enough to make that choice.

Your dh doesn't cover himself with glory with his comment about "Its my house". He has almost goaded the confrontation with your ds, far better to have let ds go to his room and speak about it in the morning.

I think surviving life with teens is about learning to pick your battles, and knowing when to step back and not sweat the small stuff. I don't get it right all of the time, and I've still to hit hormonal hell with my youngest so what I've said is based on my experiences so far, I may be the one posting for advice soon!

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