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Lying teenager

(16 Posts)
trickydickie Tue 10-Nov-15 19:18:11

Looking for some advice.

I have been finding chewing gum wrappers, empty fizzy drink bottles, some sweet wrappers on my 13 year old daughter. When I question how she got it she has been telling me this friend or that friend gave her it.

For the past few weeks we have been finding her lunches from the week in her bedroom mostly uneaten apart from the goodies. So full sandwiches etc still there.

When asked about this she has said she has went all day in school with no food. I have told her I don't believe her as she can't go more than 2 hours without food when not at school. She has told Dh that they all share their lunches. I haven't really believed that either.

This morning Dh was handing Dd her phone (from the charger) so saw a text from her friend. It said, "remember the £5 you asked me for last week, could I get it back today please?". Dd started lying again saying it was for a home econics project they were doing in school.

Dh gave her the £5 and told her to give it back to her friend. Obviously we told her not to borrow money off friends as she will get a name for herself.

On Saturday she met a friend in the local shopping centre. (She hasn't met a friend outside of school for 2 years so we were delighted). We gave her £10 to go ice skating and get herself a drink and crisps etc.). I text her a few times when out and she said she was going to mcdonalds. She had a new top on last night and said she got it when out with her friend and the top wa £3. There is no way £10 covered her top, ice skating and mcdonalds.

Up until last week Dh was giving her £5 every Saturday when he dropped her at the local sports centre as she does a trampolining class there. She was spending it in the cafe of the sports centre. For a few months last year I was giving her £5 pocket money on a Monday and she spent it all in the school on junk sweets etc.

My problem with her is the lying. When asked how she was getting food when not eating her packed lunch she was lying. Then lying again when caught out with borrowing money off friend, lying again about how she managed to get £10 to cover her shopping centre trip. Also the fact that she never text to ask if she could buy a top with theit's £10. She was told the £10 was for ice skating and an ice cream or juice. In fairness I think the friend came with money to spend on clothes.Though I think Dd might have known the friend would be clothes shopping and never told us.

Anyhow, I am looking for advice. Do I just let the lying to me go. Do I sit her down and ask her what she would spend pocket money on? Is it entirely up to her what she spends it on? i was hoping to give her pocket money so as she could learn a little bit about the value of money. Another reason I am against her spending on sweets etc. is that she is now in the overweight category. She gets sweets from us too.

PeaceOfWildThings Tue 10-Nov-15 19:24:43

You let the lying go, is my advice, for now. There could be a bigger underlying issue. I don't want to alarm you, but a lot of this is how a child with an eating disorder behaves. The lying could be an aspect of that, which is out of her control. You'll need to get a Camhs referral and get her an assessment and go from there.

trickydickie Tue 10-Nov-15 19:43:45

Thanks Peace. She is now asking for £2 for tomorrow for a sponsored charity silence she said her whole RE class are doing. hmm

PeaceOfWildThings Tue 10-Nov-15 19:46:04

Does she get any pocket money, and shopping trips?

PeaceOfWildThings Tue 10-Nov-15 19:51:20

Also, binge eating on sweets like this, and not eating the sandwiches could be about control, and it can turn on its head so she eats very little sugar, carbs, etc and continues with the gum, sugar free drinks/water and salad. The sweets could be helping her keep up her weight for now, or be a compulsion she binges on uncontrollably (the sandwiches left in order to compensate).

Owllady Tue 10-Nov-15 19:52:18

Tbh some of this sounds like my 14yo son
Uneaten packed lunches
Crisps, sweets wrappers, empty pop bottles everywhere in his room
Lying about stuff
He never answers the phone when out, seems to have too much money left over
I've never suspected an eating disorder at all but it might be different with girls and you obviously have alarm bells ringing so trust them. I just put it down to my son being a teenager, needing to fit in etc. Like never wearing a coat

PeaceOfWildThings Tue 10-Nov-15 19:53:25

She could have bought a top for £3 from somewhere like an H&M sale.

wickedwaterwitch Tue 10-Nov-15 19:55:54

Talk to her, I wouldn't get hung up on the lying.

You need to know what's going on and help her.

wickedwaterwitch Tue 10-Nov-15 19:57:39

I think you need to know more before you think about referral etc

I bet if you're kind and not cross, she'll tell you what's going on. 13 is hard

trickydickie Tue 10-Nov-15 20:00:36

Owllday, I don't think she has an eating disorder either. Though maybe wrong.

I think it is just teenage behaviour. I think she has been getting money from somewhere (either stealing it from the house or borrowing from friends) and buying herself lunch in school. She does 10 hours of gymnastics a week and a few hours of trampolining.(competitive gymnastic and trampolining squads). She is always hungry at home at breakfast, lunch and dinner times. Eats the meals we give her.

I am more concerned about never being truthful with me and how I teach her that I have to be able to trust her.

I don't want her to be the only child in class tomorrow who doesn't have the £2 to hand in for the sponsored silence. (think I believe her about that). Though also feel she has to learn she can't keep lying to us. Though I know teenagers lie. She is my first teenager and I don't know if I am expecting too much of her.

WhatAHooHa Tue 10-Nov-15 20:05:35

Sounds to me like she might be trying to rebel against a little bit of micro-managing, perhaps? My (limited) experience of 13 yr olds is that they're trying to find more independence, which is tricky if someone is controlling their money and spending very tightly. My 13yr old would have seen the ice rink money as money for a day out, to be spent however she felt best at the time - plans change, etc. Perhaps she only spent £4.50 every Saturday in the leisure centre cafe, hoarding those spare 50ps so she had enough to feel ' grown up' and go shopping with her friends, without specifically having to ask you for money and explain exactly what she's going to spend it on? Period you could agree an Allowance, which covers all these extra bits (but she doesn't get top-ups if she runs out), as this would remove the need for secrecy, give her more responsibility and show that you trust her?

MissMedusa Tue 10-Nov-15 20:19:12

Could she be stealing? Sweets you don't know how she paid for and a top for £3? Not impossible, of course, but highly unlikely.

trickydickie Tue 10-Nov-15 20:28:43

Thanks everyone. Yes she said she got the top for £3 from primark. Looking at the top it could have been £3. I will take her out for a couple of hours this weekend and try and have a chat. Thanks again.

FinnMcCool Tue 10-Nov-15 20:40:51

I think she sounds like a teenager trying to fit in.
Do her peers take packed lunches to school, or do they all buy something, and she's got home made?
A few quid pocket money would buy sweets and she's saving face by saying that's her lunch.
She borrowed a fiver from a friend cos she was really hungry?

Obviously I'm guessing, but a home made lunch would be mortifying if she's the only one.

Re the meeting up with friends. A tenner is enough for a cheap £3 top, chips in McDonald's and other small incidentals. She never intended to ice skate, but didn't want to ask you for money for just mooching about.

I would chat about the lunch situation, and give her regular amount of pocket money that she can rely on and which is hers to do as she likes with.

VimFuego101 Tue 10-Nov-15 20:51:56

It could be as simple as not wanting to sit and eat a packed lunch while her friends are eating canteen food. I don't condone lying but stuff like that matters when you're a teenager. Could you maybe start giving her a weekly allowance to buy her own clothes and lunch/snacks?

trickydickie Tue 10-Nov-15 20:59:55

Her friends last year all took pack lunch. I think she sometimes still sits with them but has moved to other friends some days now. I will ask her where they eat.

We know she went ice skating as dh saw them both pay in.

I want to give her money which I will do. I think I iwll put it in a bank account each month and then she can decide how to manage it. Think it might be less tempting to blow the lot on sweets when she knows there is a fair amount in there that could buy her something. Thanks everyone.

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